If school fees were a struggle for you, do you think it was worth it?

My first is at state primary (rated good) and first few years were ok and she did well. Now I can definitely see the gap widening, she is outperforming most kids and is not challenged enough. We are going to pay for private secondary and make sacrifices. If I had the money I would pay for private from Y3. IMO it’s hardly worth it in the first years especially if there is lots of positive parental involvement.
I am also a bit sad about having to cut back on holidays but IMO a good education is worth everything.

the people who say just pay for tutors underestimate the importance of small class sizes and range of facilities at private school. No tutor or extracurricular activities can make up for that.

Doesn’t make any sense. Even Eton boarding is £50k a year and wouldn’t add up to a £1M. Even if you sent them to Harvard afterwards it probably would not be a £1M.

A work client sends his kids to a Swiss boarding school and that is £100k a year. Maybe they boarded abroad

A million each?! Where did they go to school?

I would also like to know which school MsCactus’s cousins went to.

To play devil's advocate, something I do as I like to see both sides of situation...

If a child is very bright, conscientious and supported by parents, they can achieve the same highest grades in a decent secondary school. Of course, the other opportunities with private offers are more, though not necessarily so in many cases.

Some friends say it's the best thing they did and worth it, others regret it.

Having taught a very long time in secondary, mixed economics and wealth, quite a few have gone on to Oxbridge so private isn't the be all and end all. X

@twistyizzy that doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference to the point I made. Those for whom it’s a financial struggle will continue to claim it’s worth it as they don’t want to consider that perhaps they wasted their money. It’s just the things you say you place value on are less measurable than marks or Uni offers.

I know kids who were absolutely miserable in their private schools yet the parents will still insist it was worth it. Parents with more money are also more likely to move unhappy kids to a more suitable school because losing a term’s fees isn’t a big deal. My very wealthy friend sent one of her DDs to 4 different private schools.

Having put three through private from nursery to leaving sixth form, I think now that actually just putting all that money in the bank to buy them their first property each, would have been better !

You sound pretty rich, so it’d probably be worth it for you, but if you’re really going to struggle I’d definitely think twice. I know plenty of people who’ve been paying through the nose since their children were two only for the kids to end up at low ranking universities on pretty rubbish sounding courses. I can’t see how that was a good investment for the parents.

We debated it, decided not to, and I’m bloody glad we didn’t. The dds have had cultural experiences, great holidays, private tuition, driving lessons, even private orthodontics all of which we would have struggled to pay for had we gone private. Oh and we also paid off our mortgage the year dd2 finished school.

Dd1 is thriving at a RG uni and dd2 would not have gone to uni no matter how much money was thrown at her. She’s finding her own way by charming the pants off everyone she meets in the world of employment.

i certainly don’t feel they would have benefitted much more from a private education. That saying, their state school was a good ‘un.

It depends obviously. Where I am no way I’d send them to state school. I did for primary but changed halfway through as behaviour was appalling in a way I didn’t realise was possible for young children. DC are so much happier and that’s translated into academic success. DC1 is now at an academically selective day school in London and was offered scholarships at others. That would have been impossible from his state school as although he’s very bright his class was barely taught the curriculum because teachers were focused on behaviour management. They didn’t retain good teachers, they didn’t tackle bullying, they didn’t support children with SEN or differentiate needs in the classroom. It was a horrible environment and there was no way I was wasting their childhoods on tutors and homework in their downtime (although we did/do lots of fun stuff that’s vaguely educational).

But… if there were a nice laidback state-school option that got good exam results nearby that didn’t involve spending huge extra amounts on our mortgage to get into catchment or require DC to do lots of tutoring on stuff that’s not terribly useful except for passing that exam then I’d do it in a heartbeat. We could do much more than buy nice handbags with the money we’d save!

It depends what you place value on. We aren't doing it for outcomes/GCSE results/specific uni progression

My experience is that the people who had to struggle and make sacrifices will always say it was worth it as it is too upsetting to even contemplate it being a waste of money. I’ve got two close friends who basically impoverished themselves for extremely expensive private schools. Now they’ve all graduated it’s pretty clear there is no difference in achievement or confidence between them and children we know who went to state schools. But they will never admit that it wasn’t worth it. They are also quite boastful about Uni marks, job offers etc where my other friends are not so it feels like they’ll be justifying those private school fees forever!

Friends for whom the fees were not a struggle are much more likely to acknowledge the downsides of private education and query whether it is actually worth the money.

Hope this helps. Our eldest got into a top private school and we decided not to take the place (due to cost also it being single sex.) She was very happy at her state secondary and went to a top uni. If she had been unhappy we would have moved her. So you could start at state and see what happens? Teens get expensive anyway - hobbies, clothes, food, driving lessons etc much more than 4 year olds so factor in that cost too.

As others have said it really really depends on what schools you have available, and how well suited your child is to that school (vs the others available)
we are lucky to live near several very good LA schools, but decided on private for DS as we believed he would benefit from smaller classes etc.
honestly it was a massive mistake. The private school has very poor SEND experience as they have a selective intake at 3+. Our son, ASD, but thriving in nursery, has had an absolutely torrid time at reception as the teachers have nil experience and were not able to follow the very sage advice from professionals- as a result our son was isolated and we were now moving him to …one of the very good LA schools local to us.

But we are really very lucky to live near such schools, and I don’t know how I would feel if our local LA schools were not so nice.

My brothers and I all attended private school from age 8. My parents were very stretched. Our house was a tumbledown dump, we went on 2 holidays during my entire childhood, my mum always dressed herself in supermarket clothes and we always shopped in Lidl- before it was popular.
we also live in an area with grammar schools which are very well regarded and which I at least had places offered at - my brothers didn’t try.
when I look back at our lives and the outcomes we have had, I do question if the stress my parents put themselves through, was actually worth it.

DS has gone to a wonderful private school since nursery (he’s now in 2nd year of senior and still loves it) and for us it has been worth every penny but we haven’t had to sacrifice which of course makes a big difference. If it’s going to impact your life and make you worry each term I can’t see it being worth it, however our local primary schools are very good so that also influences my thoughts on things. Another thing to mention is that while DS classmates and their parents are really lovely, many can be cliquey and judgemental about not only the clothes and expensive school trips DS goes on but also the car/house/clothes worn by parents too. Just something to bear in mind.

It is so child dependent.

We had decided on state school until it became apparent our son was painfully shy, introverted, and struggled in larger groups.

He's also got severe food allergies, including to dairy, and the local state schools didn't fill us with confidence when we asked about how they managed food allergies.

He's absolutely thriving in his Indie school. Small classes, great wraparound, lots of clubs/activities/facilities. Pastoral care is 2nd to none. Teachers get back to us the same day about things and are just so on the ball and enthusiastic (experiences may vary!)

Financially it's a bit tough.
We can manage, but it means a simpler lifestyle for sure.

Ultimately, I'll take a happy kid over the frills of life, and I look forward to a bulkier bank balance when school's out...

This is a tricky one that I ask myself a lot. I have 3 children, they have all been educated so far mostly in the independent sector.

We have enough money that we can easily pay fees but not so much the amount goes unnoticed. No mortgage and decent amount in savings. It still feels like a big burden and a life choice I question daily.

Oldest daughter started in state. Clearly classes were too big, school were lacking funding and being an intelligent well behaved child she was being forgotten. The teachers were firefighting and just didn't have the time to even consider pushing a child who was doing well and not causing a fuss. She had a few nice friends but there were some unsavoury characters and lots of children with very different morals/ lifestyles to us. I not saying this is a bad thing, I don't want my children completely sheltered and oblivious to their privilege just an observation. Also you can have this issue anywhere, regardless of money.

Her sister started state school with her, struggled a bit with learning (later diagnosed with dyslexia and now possible ASD/ ADHD).

We moved them both year 4 and 1 into the private sector. The difference was amazing. The opportunities, the attention from the teachers, the clubs, the trips, the other parents. It all just worked and worth every penny.

Senior school was different. My eldest went to academic inner city selective school. She has since moved to a (excellent rated) state school for sixth form. She much prefers the state school. She says there was an underlying competitiveness and bitchiness about money that she didn't realise until she left. The school was beautiful and well marketed. It has a brilliant reputation. I feel now that it was all for display. They get amazing grades, offer so much on paper but really the environment just wasn't right for her. Also the days were long she did get quite burnt out.

My younger daughter went to a non selective small independent, nurturing school in the countryside for senior school. She loves it. It's worth every penny. It's a very relaxed school which specialises in getting the best from each child. Her love of Art has been celebrated in a way that a state school would never have had the time or resources to do. They kids there staying kids, no fake eyelashes, rolled up skirts (no judgement just observation), phones are locked away during the school day so they communicate on break times not stare at screen. I notice lots of the parents of older kids still walk in to pick their kids up (something which would never have happened in my huge state secondary). She's had quite a few issues with anxiety... and they have been able to give her lots of support.

i also have a son who is quite a bit younger. I have chosen to put him in an independent school from reception. He is doing great there and getting lots of attention, opportunities... They are completely 'on it' with laying down the foundations of his learning. I'm not sure what we will do for senior school with him. He seems personality and academics wise very similar to my eldest so we may send him to state.

Personally for a neurotypical child I would choose independent junior over senior school if I had to pick one. By senior level they are set and are likely to gravitate to children like themselves. There's usually far more choice of friends. At junior level they are still learning who they are.

Some things also to think about. My children's friends are quite far from us. This makes it hard sometimes. I would love them to have more local friends. My neighbours who children are at state school have a lovely network of local friends.
Days can be very long and exhausting compared to state schools.
They get quite a lot more homework than in state schools.
If you are in the position to still go on holiday they can be significantly cheaper as you don't have to go at peak times, this can counteract the cost of school fees more than you think.

So the moral of my hugely long story is that's it's all about the school and the child. I would be very careful ever being pulled in my results, marketing, new buildings... If you can find a brilliant school state or independent then go for it. Talk to parents at that school, preferably in higher years. Meet the kids, meet the families. Ask them the pros/ cons... It's a huge investment.

Good luck!

@NeverSeenAFarmerOnABike Christ that's a pretty awful way to speak about your own children, what grades did they come out with? If they were that 'thick' surely no amount of education would help?

I sacrificed everything - drove a battered old Volvo and only had a few holidays a year. It was worth it because my kids were and are thick as pig-shit and they'd have been fucked if they went to a state school. More than happy with my choice.

If you've got a nice local primary, I'd try that first, and revisit the idea for secondary. I can honestly say I couldn't have cared less about facilities as a child (you mentioned that as a pull). You could also commit to putting the money you would be paying on fees in a savings account to get a sense of what having less spendable cash is like for you!

I know I'm not the primary audience for this having not sent mine, but if your local schools are good and you can afford extra curriculars and tutoring, what do you think private school will gain?

Yes, it’s been transformative for my DC. But we live by an excellent private school and mediocre state schools so made sense for us, it’s very dependent on where you live.

It is a very school dependent question. My DD has been at an Independent that has suited her hugely. It has well supported her additional needs and she has definitely had a better outcome than she would have had elsewhere. It is an all girls school and she has thrived.

My sons have been at a different Independent and in honesty they have been pretty rubbish. I think they could have done just as well elsewhere. The school is nowhere near as good as they think they are. We have two more terms to go and I cannot wait to never pay them another penny. The fees have increased so much every year and if it is going to be a struggle I absolutely would not go down that path.

Knowing everything I know now I would make a different choice.

@Nina1013

You are right, private school all the way is a financial rockface to climb, if paying out of earned income.

One thing I will say is that even if dc love their school now and it is part of school that escalators up into the senior school and sixth form, both of mine when they got to senior school were keen for a change of scene. My dd switched to another Sixth form (also private) but my ds stayed though his friendship changed to another school's.

Did you go to private school? If so, it might be that you can replicate some of 'that type' of extracurricular enrichment for them outside school and send them later on.

If not I would send them, because it will teach them things that you can't.

To answer your question - yes fees were a struggle and yes it was worth it