If school fees were a struggle for you, do you think it was worth it?

I think it truly depends on your existing lifestyle.

There are two types of wealthy people - those who prioritise stuff (designer bags / clothing / big homes / high end cars) and get a big thrill and sense of achieving these 'milestones'. And those who prioritise experiences (holidays, theatre, meals out etc). Both are valid ways to live and don't let anyone tell you one is better than the other.

In my experience as a parent with a daughter now in private school you do see both types of people send their kids to private school but the type of person who likes 'stuff' often does it a higher salary (200k+) than the one who likes experiences (100k+). You just need to figure out the right budget for you and go from there.

I'm paying it now and stuck. It's done good for both my kids in different ways. My eldest is just milking it for all it's worth, every thing the school throws at her she just takes it on like a sponge. But what I'd say is the parents are uber competitive, you have to do what you do in school out of school to be any good eg netball then you must do club, county etc too. Swimming, you'll need a club out of school too.

It all makes it very expensive on top of fees

My youngest is ND and the school have been supportive but I do feel a bit lost in a lot of ways. I do wonder if a proper sendco at a state school would have been better.

I think some do in RL. We had lunch with old friends and DC on Christmas Eve and by coincidence our DC are both doing the same course in the same year group at Oxford. They hang out together in the same wider friendship group, go to the same socials, have similar hobbies etc. Chatting with my friend, she was saying that they almost bankrupted themselves putting their 3 DC through very expensive private schools and she wishes they had gone the state grammar route. She said our DC and their respective friends are so similar you would never know who had had those crazy sums spent on their education and who hadn't. They are now in a position that they are struggling to help out with University. Luckily studying in Oxford is not so expensive but they are concerned about how much help they can give with house deposits etc.

We really struggled to pay them, honestly I dont think i would so it again if i had my time over. Im not sure it really benefitted them either!

If you have pretty decent state options I wouldn't bother- my son did a bit of both- one reason we did private at 12 was he wasn't very lazy so we did 2 years of state boarding school but it was very tight - after that did a decent comp with some additional top up tutoring in his poorer subjects and he was fine-

I think it's important to remember OP is that it doesn't have to be a decision for now if you and not sure about committing. You can start in state and move if you don't feel it is working. The best option is the one that is best for your individual child and how they develop. And you know your child better than anyone. It's true that it is not just about exam results but a happy and secure child is likely to thrive more than an unhappy one. If that part of the equation is right, and the teaching is good and stimulating, a child will flourish in the widest sense of the word. A great school on paper can be the worst choice for a specific child. Fit is so important.

I grew up in a posh street where siblings and I were the only ones to not attend private school. We all did really well, got into good unis and great careers. Better than a lot of private educated friends. BUT I'm not naive enough to think that means we had a better education in state. I hated school with a passion and spent most of the time being bullied. If it wasn't for my outside interests and friends I have no idea how I'd have turned out. I was smart so I did well in exams but that's it. That was me, not the school. DS started in state but we've now moved to private for various reasons. And DD will go to private for secondary. I really don't care about exam results, it's the full picture I'm interested in.

Without too much fine detail and just anecdotal stats from people I know really well who were privately educated. All relatives of mine and DH or very close friends or their children. It’s a real mixed bag with the older ones being as far apart as a person who can get pension credit to one who owns a yacht and an amazing house that is featured in books about history.

All in all it depends on a mixture and all the qualifications in the world will not make up for an obnoxious personality or a face that doesn’t fit.

Your experience sounds horrific @Geppili. Your mother was abusive, plain and simple, and I'm sorry you went through that.

I will most likely be sending my DD to a private sixth form, as it is small ( tiny) and local.
She is autistic and struggled badly with overwhelm in a grammar school and then an ordinary comp. I hope it will be worth it for some pastoral care and no public transport commuting. I tell myself it'll only be for 2 years so hopefully the sacrifice will be worth it. And I would never let her think I couldn't afford it.

I was privately educated right through from 4 to 18. My mother privately educated four of us right through. She never let us forget how much money she was spending on us. She also expected great results across the board. She was mean with so many basic things like hot water, clothes, toiletries, sanitary protection.

I would far rather have gone to the nearby (excellent) state and not had the pressure and guilt and had nice clothes and been taught that self care and bathing was important. I got into Cambridge University. My mother's ultimate accessory, a daughter at Cambridge. It was the happiest I have ever seen her, the day I got my A level results. I had a breakdown at University. She wasn't bothered at all.

If you do go private, don't let real or imagined financial angst affect your precious children.

I went to private schools and would have preferred to have gone to a state school and had the equivalent money as an 18 year old to buy a flat outright.

Well I know mumsnet thinks private schools are only for the global elite. But my parents owned a post office and sent me to a private school (only child) as they feared I would be racially abused at the local comp which had a reputation. They never had takeaways, meals out, holidays etc. They begged and borrowed from every single family member. Many of the people who say private schools are unfair frankly would not deny themselves the way my parents did.

I would say private schools set me up for life. I was extremely shy and needed that extra attention. Large class sizes would have disastrous for me. I will say that the environments I was put in (private school then grammar school) had a culture where it was totally taken for granted we would do something with our lives. I also think not being around boys was beneficial. Hardly any of us had boyfriends until university but it meant we could focus on ourselves, hobbies and studies. No one was a social outcast for having had that experience either.

You realise that people who have committed that kind of money are unlikely to think it was a mistake, it's confirmation bias, basically.

They don't actually know how things would have turned out making different decisions, none of us do.

The fact you have worded it this way could mean that you want people to validate your decision - which responses make you defensive and which make you feel good? It's your responses that will answer it for you, not people making decisions with different incomes/schools/factors.

FWIW I've seen families that thrive and families who are pissing money away, you could word a question on here in any way to find these examples - but what are you looking for?

I have no interest whatsoever in your posting history. Your mental health? Seriously, please please stop engaging with me. It is preferable that way.

Ah so gaslighting me now? I certainly do not insult people yet you seem to find it acceptable to do that to me.

I agree with what @NewGirls says. We have a number of friends where no financial sacrifice has had to be made for their DC's school fees and they generally take the view that the school is a good fit and the DC are happy and doing quite well and anything more is a bonus. We have others where it is a big financial sacrifice and they are expecting a return in terms of the universities the DC go to and ultimately the careers they have. The DC know that their parents have made sacrifices to have them there and that is a lot of pressure on a teenage DC. I think it's fine to make the sacrifice if it is the right thing but care needs to be taken that the DC don't feel pressure or guilt about that.

OP one thing to consider is - if you are stretching yourself do you mind the outcome? If your kid wants to pursue something you don’t consider worth the education eg not go to uni or whatever will you be ok? I do have adult friends whose parents later resented their choice of career as felt they could have done more following their expensive education. It might still be the best school for them but parents need to still have realistic expectations

To live near decent state schools we would have had to move at least 40 miles away to an area we couldn't afford to live in. The NE is a wonderful place to live but has yet again come bottom in national tables for GCSEs in England.
Our 3 bed semi cost £180,000. To move somewhere with good schools it would be at least £300,000 for the same house. That simply wasn't affordable for us.
No grammar schools and little culture of tutoring so a lack of high quality tutors at secondary.

Oh FGS someone else did though. And you weighed in. Maybe read the thread. I was responding to a comment by another poster who said private would be better than any state school. You just got the wrong end of the stick. There is no need to be so defensive.

I wouldn't say we struggled but it would have been nice not to feel we had to spend the money. We would have a lot more in savings and probably be retiring earlier.
However, I am a Governor at the State alternative and sit on the Exclusion Panel and I don't regret a penny of the fees

No, the discussion was "where the school fees worth it". I have never, ever said that all indy schools are intrinsically better than state. I have frequently said our local indy is better than our local state.
As always you choose to twist my words!