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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not wanting to share my lottery winnings with my sister after she let me move in with her?

568 replies

SarahJP95 · 13/12/2024 14:17

A bit of backstory, I (29f) have been very close to my sister (41f) since our mother passed about 10 years ago. We have always lived quite close to each other but a couple of years ago I moved away to live with my now ex partner, everything was great for about a year until he started to become more and more abusive towards me, I stuck it out though until it started becoming physical in our last year together.

I visited my sister and broke down and told her everything, to this day she's still the only person who knows the full extent of how bad it had been for me. I begged her to let me move in with her and she said I couldn't live in the house since her and her husband were expecting their third child so needed the spare room but I could park my van in their garage and stay in it for as long as I needed.

I was so relieved and started making plans immediately to break up with my partner and get away from him as soon as possible. I pretended I was refurbishing my work van so we could travel in it and he luckily didn't question it, I spent all of my savings converting it so it had a sleeping area, a toilet and a tiny kitchen.

I was about a week away from leaving when I received a phone call from my sister, we hadn't discussed rent yet but I had stupidly assumed from our conversations that I would just be able to pay for the cost of the electricity I would be using and then of course when I was back on my feet and had found a new job I could start paying them a bit more.

She said she had discussed it with her husband and they had come up with a list of rules I had to agree to before I could move in, this included childsitting and petsitting as and when needed (unpaid), helping in the garden and around the house and driving my sister to hospital appointments when her husband couldn't, I would have to provide everything for myself but I could use their shower if I needed to. I agreed to all of it but then she said the rent would be £375 a month as well. I was shocked, I really wasn't expecting it to be so high especially when I had agreed to everything else.

I begged her to give me a bit of leeway for the first couple of months since there was nowhere else I could go, she said it was non negotiable and it was still cheaper than renting a room somewhere else (about £450-£550 in our area), I was desperate and just wanted to be near family so I agreed. This did mean I had to wait an extra 3 months to leave my ex so I could save up enough money and it was honestly the worst 3 months of my life.

I lived with them for about 2 years in the end, I loved being able to see my nieces and nephews everyday but the van was cold and damp and I eventually developed pneumonia so moved out as soon as I had enough money saved for a deposit to rent a flat nearby. I still see my sister but honestly I have become quite resentful towards her which I know is petty since she did let me move in when she could have just said no, but I'm finding it hard to get past what happened.

Fast forward 6 months and I unexpectedly won a bit of money in the lottery, I play a couple times a months but never won anything until now, it wasn't a huge amount but I was so thrilled because it meant along with my savings I had enough to put down a deposit on a one bed flat I had fallen in love with, with a bit left over to fix it up and finally have a proper place of my own.

I hadn't heard from my sister for a couple of weeks but when I told her that I had won some money she started crying and said she wanted to meet up with me. I agreed of course, turns out she's been wanting to leave her husband for a long time but could never afford to move out with 3 kids, I was shocked because they always seemed really close but she has apparently been unhappy for a while. He's not abusive towards her thank god but she has described him as 'boring' in the past and says he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with her.

She's asked if I can give her half of my winnings so she can find a house to rent and pay the deposit on it with enough for the first 6 months or so of rent until she finds a new job, I said I couldn't do that as there wouldn't be enough for the flat I wanted and I have already began talking to a solicitor. I said I could give her the money I was going to use to refurbish the flat but that's it.

This escalated into a huge argument where she called me ungrateful, said she had supported me when I wanted to leave my partner, said I didn't love her or her kids and that if I didn't help her then she never wanted to see me again.

I am honestly so upset about the whole ordeal, the thought of never seeing my nieces and nephews again breaks my heart and I wish there was a way I could help my sister without losing out on buying a home for myself.

Our father and cousins have all contacted me saying I'm being selfish and I need to help my sister out after she helped me, I just don't know what the right thing to do would be. AIBU?

OP posts:
LookingforMaryPoppins · 14/12/2024 21:17

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 14/12/2024 18:14

Don’t give her anything. she’s a user.

If you want to be generous tell her she can sleep outside in your van for £375 a month.

only if she helps out with upkeep and chores!

Rosesanddaffs · 14/12/2024 21:07

@SarahJP95 you don’t owe her anything, it’s sad she didn’t help you fully in your time of need.

My sister did everything she could to rescue me from my abusive ex husband, I’d do the same for her.

Concentrate on your future and your life and remember if the roles were reversed here, would she give you half? I doubt it xx

oopsupsideyourheadisayoopsupsideypurhead · 14/12/2024 21:03

I'm so pleased you've managed to sort things out. I just wanted to say that your sister exploited you and please be wary as she seems very selfish.

TeaAndTattoos · 14/12/2024 20:59

Your update doesn’t make your sister sound any better she just sounds like an all round horrible person she didn’t believe that you where in an abusive relationship but she fully expects you to believe that her marriage has been in trouble for 5 years and has admitted to lying to her husband about what you where paying. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be doing very much to help her out, I hope she’s paying you to have her 15 year old for her or are you just expected to do it out of the goodness of your heart when the shoe is on the other foot.

Mix56 · 14/12/2024 20:58

"Amazing how she's gone from claiming she will deny you contact with her children if you don't give her money to essentially palming one of them off on you."

Yes indeed.

You must not have the nephew living at yours. If he's difficult now, what will it be like when he realizes his parents have chucked him out ? & see his siblings doing family stuff without him ?
What will he do when you go to work & he decides to skip off school ?
Will he bring his mates back to hang out till you get home ?
Who gets blamed when he drops out of school & won't or can't get a job ?
Is he to get the bedroom ? So you finally you get back on your feet & you get to sleep on a sofa bed like a student ?
How much is Sister giving for Elec/Food... ? Do you have to cover all his other costs ?
This is such a terrible plan. what happens if you decide its not working & your sister says she won't have him back ????
If he gets into trouble do you become legally responsible ?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/12/2024 20:56

I’m assuming they will be paying you £400/month for his rent and keep then?

Your sister sounds worse with your update. She is continuing to abuse you. She took money off you to buy herself “stuff” as they didn’t have much spare money; boo fucking hoo
Fuck that shit. No to having a teenager; I have 3, they are hard work and you don’t have the experience or accountability to look after him and keep him in line. If his own parents struggle to cope with him, what makes you think you are qualified to do so, just because you used to get on well years ago? teenagers are tricky beasts at the best of times.

and don’t give her hope that she can come to you in the future for cash; she will carry on as long as you let her. If you have spare cash then spend it on counselling to sort yourself out.

MrsBrew005 · 14/12/2024 20:55

I say this as someone who currently has a BIL staying and sleeping on the sofa, feeding meals while he goes to work with DH as he's out of work, for free, in fact, we are paying him to work. All we ask is he occasionally grabs a pot of coffee, because he needs the help to get on his feet, that's what family does, we know he would do the same for us. Your sister made a buck out of you while you were at your lowest. Don't you give her a penny, id tell her why too. Or offer something small but not any amount that stops you ensuring you don't need to call on her again. She's married with a house, remind her she'd get a good settlement! The absolute cheek of her!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/12/2024 20:55

YANBU but why did you tell her???

FeegleFrenzy · 14/12/2024 20:51

I do hope you’ll be charging your sister at least £375 a month for your nephews board and lodge?

Christmasandallthetrimmings · 14/12/2024 20:47

I don't know if this has been added but I agree with everything I managed to read up until about page eight, plus the massive red flag of her dumping her own son in favour of her relationship with her husband. It just shows how she feels about her own family- disposable. How can someone blame a teenager for their marriage issues? Her husband being tight and her thinking it's acceptable to con her own sister, behind hubby's back, to improve her own situation- that isn't something caused by her son. Maybe she will end up renting out his room. Why couldn't she have let you have the spare room whilst she was still pregnant and save to move out as quickly as you could, before baby was old enough to need that room? I'm sure you would have helped her transform it into a baby room when you were ready to move out.

Gemmawemma9 · 14/12/2024 20:46

Your sister is vile. Offering you to sleep in a van in a cold damp garage is bad enough, extorting money from you is even worse. Your update makes her seem even worse. Don’t give her a bean.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 14/12/2024 20:40

From the outside, she seems to be incredibly selfish. £375 for a cold garage is obscene and very greedy on her part. She didn't really look after you and made you take 3 months more abuse from your scumbag just to fill her pockets. She and he had to do nothing in order to have you in her garage and you did lots of unpaid work for her. Keep the money and put it towards your own security. She can have more than a half share of her house on account of the children if she fks him off.

Ladyof2025 · 14/12/2024 20:40

"when I told her that I had won some money"

WHY WHY WHY would you tell her? She treated you like dirt, exploited you when you were at rock bottom!

Poopants1000 · 14/12/2024 20:40

I read this wondering if it was joke but I can see why this played out as it did. You are too nice, too accomodating and people will see that as a weakness and something to be squeezed and squeezed. Charging you to sleep in YOUR OWN VAN in her garage is disgusting. If there was no sofa, absolutely no way you could be in the house and that was the only solution then fine but honestly then charging you just shy of the going rate for a private room means they cashed in on your misfortune. You'd not leave a dog in a cold garage.
She is entitled by the sounds of it and the rest of them see you as the easy target of the family. Take your money and set your life up, please don't squander your opportunity with this, how many times in your life will you get a lottery win. Your sister isn't in danger she is bored, tell her to leave the kids at home with dad and see if she wants to spend a couple of years in a cold van.
Seriously take care of yourself x

Thefsm · 14/12/2024 20:37

She kept you in a van in a garage as space labour and charged you for the privilege. She gets nothing! What the hell - I’m mad for you that your family think that was reasonable behaviour before. A baby didn’t need a room you did.

Tessabelle74 · 14/12/2024 20:34

She didn't support you, she used you as a nanny and charged you for the privilege! Don't give in to her OP

Ohhappydagger · 14/12/2024 20:33

You've paid your dues, over and above OP. You've been thrown a life-line with the lottery win, make something of it. Use it to better yourself. Once you have bought your flat and sorted yourself out fully, then you can starting thinking of helping others. Your sister is not a nice person , personally I'd keep my distance from her.

TaterTots68 · 14/12/2024 20:31

Sorry OP, your sister is a piece of work! Please don't give her any money, you've given her enough. What a CF.

Motherrr · 14/12/2024 20:31

No. She demanded your money when you were in need - and now she's demanding your money when she's in need. It's your money and you don't owe her any of it

laveritable · 14/12/2024 20:29

....and you are still referring to this individual as "my sister"?

Bigcat25 · 14/12/2024 20:28

You paid her 9000 already plus free labour. If her son stays with you, she should pay for all food costs and utilities. The husband needs to know how much you paid.

5iveleafclovers · 14/12/2024 20:25

Thalia31 · 14/12/2024 19:15

I never understood the need to tell everyone everything. What did you expect was going to happen you disclosing your winnings. Self made situation

Show quote history

Why are you quoting the whole entire very long post?

Bunnycat101 · 14/12/2024 20:24

I think this is the time for you to establish some boundaries. Your husband obviously treated you badly but so did your sister. Did your parents not believe you either?

I’m not sure you taking on a 15yo is necessarily the best idea in the circs as that could very much extend out. Is she planning on contributing to his costs? I suspect not.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 14/12/2024 20:22

SarahJP95 · 13/12/2024 14:17

A bit of backstory, I (29f) have been very close to my sister (41f) since our mother passed about 10 years ago. We have always lived quite close to each other but a couple of years ago I moved away to live with my now ex partner, everything was great for about a year until he started to become more and more abusive towards me, I stuck it out though until it started becoming physical in our last year together.

I visited my sister and broke down and told her everything, to this day she's still the only person who knows the full extent of how bad it had been for me. I begged her to let me move in with her and she said I couldn't live in the house since her and her husband were expecting their third child so needed the spare room but I could park my van in their garage and stay in it for as long as I needed.

I was so relieved and started making plans immediately to break up with my partner and get away from him as soon as possible. I pretended I was refurbishing my work van so we could travel in it and he luckily didn't question it, I spent all of my savings converting it so it had a sleeping area, a toilet and a tiny kitchen.

I was about a week away from leaving when I received a phone call from my sister, we hadn't discussed rent yet but I had stupidly assumed from our conversations that I would just be able to pay for the cost of the electricity I would be using and then of course when I was back on my feet and had found a new job I could start paying them a bit more.

She said she had discussed it with her husband and they had come up with a list of rules I had to agree to before I could move in, this included childsitting and petsitting as and when needed (unpaid), helping in the garden and around the house and driving my sister to hospital appointments when her husband couldn't, I would have to provide everything for myself but I could use their shower if I needed to. I agreed to all of it but then she said the rent would be £375 a month as well. I was shocked, I really wasn't expecting it to be so high especially when I had agreed to everything else.

I begged her to give me a bit of leeway for the first couple of months since there was nowhere else I could go, she said it was non negotiable and it was still cheaper than renting a room somewhere else (about £450-£550 in our area), I was desperate and just wanted to be near family so I agreed. This did mean I had to wait an extra 3 months to leave my ex so I could save up enough money and it was honestly the worst 3 months of my life.

I lived with them for about 2 years in the end, I loved being able to see my nieces and nephews everyday but the van was cold and damp and I eventually developed pneumonia so moved out as soon as I had enough money saved for a deposit to rent a flat nearby. I still see my sister but honestly I have become quite resentful towards her which I know is petty since she did let me move in when she could have just said no, but I'm finding it hard to get past what happened.

Fast forward 6 months and I unexpectedly won a bit of money in the lottery, I play a couple times a months but never won anything until now, it wasn't a huge amount but I was so thrilled because it meant along with my savings I had enough to put down a deposit on a one bed flat I had fallen in love with, with a bit left over to fix it up and finally have a proper place of my own.

I hadn't heard from my sister for a couple of weeks but when I told her that I had won some money she started crying and said she wanted to meet up with me. I agreed of course, turns out she's been wanting to leave her husband for a long time but could never afford to move out with 3 kids, I was shocked because they always seemed really close but she has apparently been unhappy for a while. He's not abusive towards her thank god but she has described him as 'boring' in the past and says he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with her.

She's asked if I can give her half of my winnings so she can find a house to rent and pay the deposit on it with enough for the first 6 months or so of rent until she finds a new job, I said I couldn't do that as there wouldn't be enough for the flat I wanted and I have already began talking to a solicitor. I said I could give her the money I was going to use to refurbish the flat but that's it.

This escalated into a huge argument where she called me ungrateful, said she had supported me when I wanted to leave my partner, said I didn't love her or her kids and that if I didn't help her then she never wanted to see me again.

I am honestly so upset about the whole ordeal, the thought of never seeing my nieces and nephews again breaks my heart and I wish there was a way I could help my sister without losing out on buying a home for myself.

Our father and cousins have all contacted me saying I'm being selfish and I need to help my sister out after she helped me, I just don't know what the right thing to do would be. AIBU?

What help was she in reality? She charged a few pounds less than if you had rented a small flat. A flat you could have rented from the get-go if she had presented you with her list of demands right away and not had to fix up your van. You were basically an indentured servant to her, with no way out for a long time and a longer time you had to be with your ex.

Her DH is luckily not abusive. She can work more and start saving. She can stay with "Mr. Boring" until their kids are old enough or get counselling.

This is YOUR time to shine. YOUR time to get your flat, move in, fix it up and feel FREE of the servitude your DS/BIL dumped on you.

CONGRATULATIONS on YOUR win! You more than deserve the good luck and the relief.

Edited to add, I had written this post much earlier but didn't press send, so just now pressed send and there have been updates I missed. I truly apologize.

Now, having the 15 year-old with you for a short amount of time is one thing, but make sure you are not totally supporting him.

I am sorry that your sister is unhappy, but luckily, you have seen that you actually still need the money more than she does. She seems really sorry now that it behooves her to feel that way.

Lalalalalalalalalalaoohoohwee · 14/12/2024 20:18

I mean, if the extent of your sisters 'support' is as you've described then you don't owe her anything. I don't get on with my sister but if I found out her husband was abusing her and she wanted to leave she'd be sleeping on my sofa, end of. Even though my house is tiny and even if I was pregnant, we'd make do to ensure she was safe. The fact she made you wait a further three months to leave is quite frankly, disgusting. And to put all those caveats on too, honestly makes me feel a bit sick. She sounds like a horrible person and I don't think you should give her a penny of your money. If it means not seeing her again then so be it. I understand it'll be difficult without seeing your nieces and nephews, maybe your sister will let you have contact with them without you necessarily having a relationship with her? Either way, you need to get yourself sorted first, your sister cares only about herself.