Having a hard time accepting he’s still happy

Also meant to add since it's always the same time of the month / period time etc it may be hormonal too? Get your thyroid checked and even look up pmdd x

I think other posters are being a bit harsh especially saying you're acting like a child. It sounds like you're struggling with anxiety and this makes every single thing feel massive. I have anxiety and depression and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and a part of that is rejection sensitivity disorder meaning I'm convinced everyone hates me / is going to leave basically. It's really difficult and you even realise that you're pushing them away like self sabotaging because "they'll leave eventually anyway" therapy sounds like a good idea and maybe try some anxiety medication too, maybe explain all of this to your partner (not at night or when they've just come home from work because this is never ideal for a discussion) and explain that you understand how your behaviour is affecting them, this is the reasons you feel like this and you understand it's you and not them as they (hopefully) prove / show you they're someone to trust and you are doing X y and z to improve this situation and appreciate some warmth and a listening ear during it and if course give him the space and ear to discuss how he's feeling about it too. I am someone who focuses on the smallest of details so if I think my husband's tone even slightly changes or his face slightly drops I've done something wrong (he's never portrayed this it's just how I feel with everyone and always have) we got to the point where he promised if there's anything at all he will tell me so I don't have to sit and spiral basically making up scenarios as to why he's changed or hates me 🙃 after a wee while it definitely has worked and I'm a lot calmer (along with meds and therapy). X

Do you want to lose this man? If you do, you're going the right about it. Learn to keep your mouth shut about crap going on only in your own head.

I agree with others you sound like hard work and acting like a child.
You will push him away in the end if you dont get a grip.

who knows if your instincts are picking up on subtle signs he’s not happy with you or if it’s a story your anxiety is telling you. Either way the most important thing you can do is acknowledge how you feel and ask for/take what you need. You can already reflect after the event so you’re on your way to getting control of this. Talk to the GP as there may be a hormonal aspect to this, and therapy to explore your thinking. Try to notice when the insecurity is showing up and causing you to behave needy- and instead say to yourself (or your partner) sorry, I’m feeling insecure right now. I need to go do x,y,z to feel myself again. Learn some self soothing strategies for yourself to help you feel safe for when you’re feeling insecure and worrying about things that have happened and practice them. Breathing, meditation, journaling, exercise etc. I feel for you OP I bet this thread is hard to read and triggering those anxious feelings (the advice here can be v straight talking!) so it’s a perfect opportunity to notice how you feel, acknowledge where it is in your body and breathe until you can think a little straighter. I think the relationship is a red herring here, put your energy into caring about yourself, how you feel and how much love yourself, its the foundation for everything

Sounds like you are pushing him away to make him prove he loves you by staying.

Frankly you dont sound like you are emotionally ready for a relationship right now. You cant be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself. I would expadite the therapy and maybe have a break from him if you cant be a proper partner to him.

You are being extremely unreasonable and he must be utterly exhausted dealing with this.

If my boyfriend was scrutinising photos and questioning whether I looked happy in them, was accusing me of not being attracted to him, constantly reading stuff into every little thing and then NOT EVEN BELIEVING ME when I told him the truth, I would have dumped him by now. It would drive me absolutely up the wall.

There is nothing he can do that you would believe or accept. Surely you can see that you're putting him in an awful position? This isn't healthy and you need to deal with your own mental health issues and work on them instead of making him responsible for your mood all the time.

It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style and low self esteem. Hopefully your therapist will explore both with you as it’s not fair to continuously expect your partner to take responsibility for managing your insecurity. You’ll also never improve your patterns of behaviour while you’re reliant on external sources to feel happy and secure.

This is unfair to your boyfriend. Is he supposed to maintain a happy face all day long? Never allowed to show he is tired, or had a bad day at work, or is annoyed about some trivial thing, without you turning it round to being about you? Never allowed to be annoyed you left dirty dishes because you think annoyance at you signifies the end of the relationship?

You don't seem very happy in this relationship either. So why are you still there? Probably similar reasons as him.

Do you have PMDD? I think you need to speak to someone about how to manage this

He's going to end up walking away if you keep pushing, OP. Listen to him.

I hope therapy works for you. You must be exhausted, and it will be exhausting for him.

Because presumably he loves you and isn’t going to throw a whole relationship away just because you’re a bit annoying sometimes.

Honestly, reading your OP made me feel exhausted so I see why it’s draining for your partner. Why can’t you just believe him in what he says? Do you know everything? No - so just trust that you could be wrong and he could be telling the truth!

Things like asking him the same stuff every month when you have your period - you know that’s what’s happening, and you’re the only one who can stop it. Can you write it down or text it to a close mate or something instead of asking him again?

It sounds like you’re nearly trying to drive him away to prove yourself right. It’s a foolish and risky game to play.

I think it's the right choice to get therapy as it really helped me in my similar thought processes.

It's very common for those of us with anxiety to seek near constant validation, but it's actually very damaging - partly because it isn't sustainable for those close to us, and partly because you end up in the situation where no amount of reassurance is ever enough! You need to learn techniques to validate yourself without needing so much external validation from others.

It can also be really helpful to talk with a therapist about what you need from your partner. It really helped me and my DH that I spent time with my therapist working on different techniques to help myself, but also being able to articulate what I need from him. So I make an effort to not use him for constant validation BUT he knows when I do come to him, I need him to respond in a certain way that shows he's listening to me properly and not giving a flippant answer. That then positively cycles because when I do seek validation from him, I get it in a very effective way, so I need it even less often! Win-win!

Oh, and as for bed time chat... I hate this because at night I'm tired and DH respects that I just really need to be left to go to bed at night time becuase otherwise I'm awake for mhours. ALso, lat at night for people who can be a bit anxious often turns into a whole spiral of unhappiness and stress. So I don't allow my children to do it.

So you constnatly complain because you're not having sex during your period instead of just realising that perhaps that's not a good time? YOu don't take him at face vallue when he tells you things are fine. You expect him to be permanently smiley and happy and if he's not it's a huge trauma?

Sorry OP, but yes, you are the problem here. Do your insecurities play out in other ways? Do you text him constantly when you're apart and/or spiral if you don' thear from him? Do you get stressed if he so much as talks to another woman? Do you get angry/upset/sulky if he doesn't greet you enthusiastically enough?

You've said this far better than I did! Thank you :)

A few warm, understanding and kind responses from my DH in the beginning showed me I was free to bring up any worries. That freedom took away a lot of the hypervigilence because I knew I could go to him at any time. It wasn't a big deal at all.

He also acknowledged when things were different, rather than pretending and making me feel crazy. He was very, very honest if he was sad, depressed, feeling disconnected from me or unhappy with me etc.

Because of that honestly I can trust his responses when I ask him something.

Everyone is different but I can absolutely be reassured "enough"... And I think most people probably can be too, with the right person.

And my DH being consistent with me means that I would say I am not anxious about our relationship at all now. I have a very secure attachment to him.

I was bloody miserable with the men who didn't treat me like this and I lived on a toxic rollercoaster of breadcrumbs.

I just saw your second comment.

"It's notable, I think, that she's more insecure as time has gone on. When I've been insecure in a relationship, it was at the start and went away with time, as the man showed himself to be trustworthy and loving."

THIS THIS THIS!!!

Fair. Hard to know, based on the OP, where the balance is in that relationship. I do think, generally speaking, it is easier and more effective to reassure someone when your heart is really in it (not a criticism). Sometimes people keep needing it because they're not getting the authentic reassurance they need, from the right person. If the boyfriend here actually is losing interest, then his reassurances are going to be less convincing and so she'll keep coming back to him wanting more... And so the cycle continues.

We just can't know whether the OP's instincts are spot-on and the boyfriend is emotionally checking out of the relationship, or whether the problems are "all in her head"... But our instincts very often are right when it comes to men, so I'm wary of e.g. suggestions her hormones are at fault (it's him who won't sleep with her on her period, right? Not her randomly being insecure at that time of the month).

It's notable, I think, that she's more insecure as time has gone on. When I've been insecure in a relationship, it was at the start and went away with time, as the man showed himself to be trustworthy and loving.

It gets more difficult to respond with warm reassurance though after a while of constant second guessing. I have lived with an anxious person and you can never reassure them enough.

I completely agree with this. Yes, you have your anxieties, but the way he's responding - defensively, not with warm reassurance - is making you spiral.

When you say to him "you don't seem as happy as you used to be", that's not you making an assumption - it's you sharing what you have observed, and implicitly inviting him to comment (you've said "you don't seem", not "you're not"). That seems like a much more constructive communication style than just asking him "is everything OK?".

Rather than worrying about whether or not he is happy - flip the focus; are you happy? I wouldn't be happy if my worries were met with his attitude. You've tried talking to him, and he's not receptive. It may be time to take your happiness into your own hands.

You sound exhausting!

You think you're not worthy of a relationship that's happy for whatever reason so you're sabotaging this.

He can be stressed with work but still be happy overall, you can not have sex for the week you're on your period and he still find you sexually attractive.

Run to those therapy sessions and see your GP about your hormones.

Stop making everything so hard for yourself and him.

Drop it. If you bring this up monthly just before bed, you are being insecure and needy and it’s pissing him off (understandably)

Late night is not the time to start these conversations.
”Every month” following your cycle indicates it’s your hormones. That’s for you to manage.
It’s nearly Christmas, lots of people are very stressed and busy.

Do you cut everyone out of your life who pisses you off occasionally? I’m sure I piss my DH off regularly, and he does me, but we’re still happily married.

I just know that I have pissed him off at times, like yesterday, so I just don’t get why he’s still here??

Because someone is allowed to be a bit annoyed, but still love you.

I don't like DH every moment of every day, there are many times I wish he would just go away for an hour or 2 - especially after having 5 years of living alone before we met, I like alone time, that doesn't mean I don't love him and don't want to be with him - it just means I am also a person in my own right with my own thoughts and feelings.

are you at your happiest every moment of every day?

You need to do something about your self-esteem and general mental health issues. It's ok to acknowledge them as the reason you have these worries but it's not an excuse to keep having the same conversations with him.

As a start, try and change the narrative in your own head. Remind yourself that you have the "not attracted" worry during your period and it's ok. Initiate non-sexual intimacy if you feel like it - cuddles, massage, hold hands. So you still feel connected.

If you find yourself starting the "are you ok?" conversation try and start by asking how he is coping with work, has his workload gotten any better etc. So it's about how he is actually feeling rather than making assumptions.