Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he's overly involved with his chaotic ex?

38 replies

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:08

I was reluctant to post this as I'm aware I may come across badly but I'm interested in hearing somebody else's perspective.

I'm a few months in with a new man who seems to be overly involved with his ex and her chaotic life.

They have 1 DS together age 10 but they haven't been an item since the little boy was under a year old, he says.

He was given sole custody 2 years ago because she has substance abuse issues and mental health problems, all of that is true, but he always seems to be involving himself in her drama.

She has made endless false allegations against him (and loads of other people) whilst she was unwell so you'd think he'd have the sense to keep his distance somewhat.

She has recently being taken to court by social services to remove another child from her care (different dad) and somehow the bloke I'm seeing has managed to insert himself into that aswell. Phonecalls back and forth with social services. On the phone to her friends about it. It's all I've heard about for the past 2 days.

He was ringing his ex about it all yesterday and now he has text me tonight at 9.30pm saying she has called him up on the phone crying about it and saying she can't breath.

He's saying he's worried she's going to kill herself. I just told him to phone in a welfare check then.

But I'm thinking.. why are you telling me all of this? Why is she calling you anyway? Why are you so involved?

It all feels a bit weird and codependant to me and I'm not sure I want anything to do with all of this. I have children of my own.

Am I being unreasonably harsh here? What would you think of this?

OP posts:
TY78910 · 12/12/2024 22:38

@Isitmeor18 I don't think you sound like an arsehole, any woman dealing with a man with a past and his kids needs a certain level of resilience.

My only thoughts on this are - would he ever want his DC to wonder 'why didn't you help my mum'

Pussycat22 · 12/12/2024 22:38

I think HE thrives on the drama!

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:35

I've just read that back and think I sound like an absolute arsehole now 😔

OP posts:
Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:30

He said social services asked him if he would consider taking the other child (his DS' half brother) and whilst he momentarily considered it he decided it wasn't something he was able to do.

That little one has now been taken into care, hence her distressed calls today 😔

OP posts:
Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:26

It's all a bit much for early days isn't it? I too think that perhaps he isn't in the best place for a new relationship at the minute.

I appreciate he's in a difficult position, having a child with somebody so vulnerable, and it's doubly shit for the child(ren).

OP posts:
LumpyandBumps · 12/12/2024 22:24

Only you can know if he’s worth all of this drama.

I would be concerned about the ex partner’s other child being taken into care. I don’t have much experience of this but I know someone who was asked to take on a child because of him being a half sibling of his grandchild, who he had parental responsibility for.

hereshegoesagain36 · 12/12/2024 22:23

I'm on the fence here. He was with this women, she has addiction and mental health issues but he obviously cares for her as his child's mother and is involved as he doesn't want to see her hurt herself or cause more damage around her.

I'd feel exactly the same as you btw but as an outsider I can't help but think it's all coming from a good place and it's just a decision you need to make about whether you can put up with it. Tough one I don't envy you.

CheekyHobson · 12/12/2024 22:22

It sounds as though the ex does have some quite serious mental health problems so I can understand him being somewhat drawn into it all due to not wanting his son to experience a tragedy.

But I also think this means he’s not in a place to be his best in a new relationship so you should probably walk away. I doubt he is going to become less involved.

SafeToUse · 12/12/2024 22:22

Do you need this hassle, listening to him, as you say, involving himself in her drama? Do you thrive on drama? If the answer is no, then just dump him. Life is too short.

Itsabeautifulthing · 12/12/2024 22:19

I'm not sure I want anything to do with all of this. I have children of my own.

Walk away, this will never stop and he's within his rights to be involved but you absolutely don't have to be. Prioritise your own children and don't let this chaos become tangled in their lives as well.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/12/2024 22:17

The dc that isn't his is his dc's sibling... Would be harsh if he didn't care. If that dc ends up in care how will his dc feel? Sounds like a man not on the market for a new relationship just yet though....

Catbabymammy · 12/12/2024 22:17

It isn’t a question of why he is so involved with the mother of his child who is clearly having some difficulties. The question is why on earth are YOU involved with this complete shitshow?

slightlydistrac · 12/12/2024 22:15

I haven't voted because you are being both reasonable in that he is too involved in the drama, and unreasonable in that it concerns his child's mother and we don't know whether the other child's father is stepping up or is being useless.

What a difficult situation all round.

Swipe left for the next trending thread