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Original poster

To tell him to leave me alone

32 replies

Hypnot · 12/12/2024 16:55

I dated a guy over a year ago, it only lasted about 4 months. It ended over a series of texts. I felt he was pulling away and I told him to finish things if he wasn't interested and gave him his get out - which he took and made an excuse based on nothing very significant. We parted ways, but I never stopped thinking about him. I also felt when we were dating that he wasn't really emotionally available. He's only moved out of his family home 8 months prior to us meeting even though he got his official divorce whilst we were dating.

I've dated other guys in the past for longer, but for some reason he had a bigger impact on me. Anyway over the following 9 months or so we'd text occasionally wishing happy new year, birthday etc. and we started messaging again regularly since early summer, platonically. We went out of drinks late summer, had a lovely evening kissed, he stayed over but i didn't sleep with him because I want more, not a one night stand.

Since then we've remained friends and he's been amazing he's helped me while I've been looking for a new house. I've never done it before and he's been so helpful. He's taken time out of work to meet me for viewings, he's reviewed surveys and been such support. It's been hard for me because although i've been divorced for 7 years, it's been my family/children's home for 20 years. I never ask for help so it's been wonderful knowing he's been there, he made me feel safe. There's huge chemistry and I can tell it's mutual.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago we went our for drinks again and I drank a lot, we kissed it was wonderful. I asked him why we split up and I said jokingly is it because you think i'm chubby and have a big bum. His ex was super fit and I'm a size 10/12, tiny waist and a big(ish) bum... always have had. I did feel self conscious though because I know his ex was fit and slim. For context I'm not fat nor ugly and I get more attention these days than I've ever done before.

Anyway he buried his head in his hands ashamed and said he had a thing about big bums (no liking them) but that's not why he broke up with me. So I said okay so you're not attracted to me and he said he was, he said I was absolutely gorgeous, but he kept his face hidden in his hands. I started phoning for a cab and he asked me not to go. We ended up kissing and I stayed the night and slept with him. I think he said other things to reassure me, but I can't remember as I hadn't eaten much and had drank too much.

The next morning he was really lovely, very affectionate. I had the removal men coming so I had to get home early.

My head was all over the place, after the removal guys left I went back to the empty house - 20 years of memories, children, family, my abusive marriage etc etc I went to a dark place. I started to replay the conversation (I could remember) from the night before. I felt ashamed that I'd slept with him when I wasn't even sure he was attracted to me.

After a day of ignoring him he asked what was the matter and I told him to leave me alone, I wasn't interested in friends with benefits and I had enough to deal with and I wasn't interested in his games. He was shocked and said he didn't know where that had come from and he was sorry thought so badly of him.

I'm away for a week, I don't know where we'll go from here. I loved being friends with him we were building trust, but I feel like it's been ruined now - I wish i'd never slept with him.

I think we could have something special, but I'm hurt by what he said. I want him to reassure me. I feel quite ashamed that i slept with him after what he said. where's my self respect.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Hypnot · 12/12/2024 21:56

Thanks for all your replies.

He definitely didn't like big bums and I do believe that he's ashamed of this view and realises how shallow this was - hence him hiding his face. This is when we dated the first time. He only admitted this the other day. but it makes sense to me as i felt when we were first dating that something felt off. I'm not an insecure person, but I felt insecure with him. I wasn't sure if it was my weight or because he wasn't emotionally available or I was being silly. when he said it the other night I realised my instinct (when we first dated) was correct.

since then we have both come a long way. We have a friendship and he's been lovely. I felt there was potential for a committed, respectful relationship. There's huge connection.

Unfortunately when he admitted the other night about his previous issue with weight/my bum it confirmed my previous insecurities. I think it would have been okay and I probably would have spoken to him about it afterwards, when I was sober the next time we met. Unfortunately, our conversation/sleeping together coincided with a huge traumatic period in my life. Literally the next day I had my whole house (of 20 years) emptied. I'd been fine packing etc. but I really didn't realise how it would hit me coming back to an empty house and seeing my children's rooms empty - I went to a very dark place. I messaged him saying how I wasn't prepared for it, but clearly he wouldn't have realised just how bad i felt. He messaged "just think about the new house" no kiss at at that moment I spiralled. all my insecurities from when we first dated came back.

Despite what you think - I'm not usually high maintenance, I'm really easy going but the combination of liking him so much and feeling insecure turned me into a loon!

We have to see each other sooner or later as I left my coat at his. so we will speak. a couple of days later I did text him to apologise. I said he knew me well enough to know if was out of character. He knows I was under a lot of pressure. I said I appreciated all his support over the last few months with the house, how he made me feel safe and I couldn't remember the last time I felt like that, how I never stopped thinking of him after our split etc i was really open and honest. He responded saying it was fine and he was surprised and that he'd return my coat and we'd talk. it's been nearly two weeks now as I've been away.

I'm leaving it now. I think the ball is in his court, he can tell me how he feels and we can move on together or not.

In the meantime I am going to get some help to reflect on my self esteem and confidence.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 12/12/2024 21:56

I'm confused too - YOU say you've got a big bum so why are you so upset that he thinks so too?

He obviously fancies you irrespective of the arse, so I think you owe him an apology and a hassle-free friendly drink/meal.

MumOfOneAllAlone · 12/12/2024 21:24

Yeah, as pp have said, I think you may have gotten yourself into a state and he's confused.

Many men are terrible but he seems alright. He's helped you move and with the stress of it all. He's slept with you. I don't think he'd be this involved if he was just after sex or wanted to waste some time.

I'm confused about the big bum thing? Was he saying he took the out because he hated your bum?! That's an odd thing to say tbh

I think that when he invites you out again, ask him in all seriousness what he wants. And then go from there x

GRex · 12/12/2024 20:31

Time to calm down. When he contacts you next, say you'd like dinner / pub / cinema... whatever you fancy doing. Treat it as starting again; hang out, decide whether YOU like him, or not. Stop worrying about how he feels. If he wants to be with you, then he's there, if he doesn't want to be then he can find the exit by himself.

Sceptical123 · 12/12/2024 19:53

Bohemond23 · 12/12/2024 17:07

It sounds more like you are playing games.

This. You sounds like a cliche, sorry. Extremely high maintenance blowing hot and cold. You’ve had a go at him after sleeping with him over something that happened before - he probably assumed you were over it if you shagged him. Then you decide after a while what you do remember - you admitted it’s hazy bc you’d drunk - you are offended by, had a go at him after saying he’d been lovely and affectionate and helped you out with your moving, or offered to, and now say he’s got to make it up to you and make you feel better - what?!!

Why on earth would he want to if this is the way you treat him. You basically regret ‘ruining’ your friendship and have chosen to be an arsehole to him about it bc you’re angry at yourself.

I doubt he’ll want anything more to do with you, and who could blame him?

Lollypop25 · 12/12/2024 19:26

You are definitely seeking unhealthy validation and playing with fire, if he's answered you honestly/gently I'm not sure what more you can expect and the response you gave as follow up is giving very unhinged signals.

You don't seem ready for a relationship, you need to be secure enough in yourself before you are able to form healthy relationships and aren't playing teenager games of 'prove you like me' with questions they can't win.

Figsandwalnuts · 12/12/2024 18:46

I know it's not what you want to hear, and it's also not in line with most of the other posts, but this man doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. He's happy to have company now and again, and someone to text, and the occasional sex, but that's it. He's getting 'the girlfriend experience' but can cherry pick which bits suit him.

You clearly do want a serious relationship with him and are not able to manage what he can offer without getting upset.

The best thing to do is move on.

Sassybooklover · 12/12/2024 18:40

If this man truly didn't like you, then he wouldn't have bothered to have stuck around to build up a friendship with you. Men, as a rule don't give two hoots about the size of our arse, boobs, stomach, hips etc, if they fancy you, they fancy you, regardless of proportions!! The man said you are gorgeous, that's one massive compliment! Even if he doesn't normally go for women with a bigger arse, on this occasion he has! You have over analysed, and read into the conversation way too much. To the point you've convinced yourself he's used you for sex, doesn't actually fancy you and must have regretted having sex with you. These negative thoughts are in your head; he hasn't told you this at all. In fact he seemed shocked and surprised by your sudden change in mood. You are the one blowing hot/cold and playing with his emotions. Honestly, you need a conversation with him, to explain your attitude, because you haven't behaved very well. The poor bloke is probably wondering what the bloody hell went wrong.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 12/12/2024 18:24

I think you read him totally wrong and he said he has a thing for big bums, as in likes them!!!

Catza · 12/12/2024 18:19

Yeah, this is 100% your issue and always has been.
You don't give someone "an out". You just break up with them if you no longer want to be with them. Doing anything else is either massively insecure or massively manipulative.
You then rekindled the relationship but as soon as he showed you he was attracted to you, you started playing hard to get.

And I have never met any man who would break up with someone over an arse (and then sleep with someone he was supposedly not attracted to...). Get a grip, mate.

choccytime · 12/12/2024 18:18

Anybody else confused ?

ItGhoul · 12/12/2024 18:12

Both of you sound like a pair of game-playing twats.

ChaosHol1 · 12/12/2024 18:10

Are you sure when he put his head in his hands and said he had thing about big bums, he didn't mean as in he liked them. He also reiterated it wasn't anything to do with your bum he stopped seeing you and he said he thought you were gorgeous.

I think it's you who is coming across badly in this. He'd only left the family home 8 months previously to the first time you were dating. He's been supportive and reached out to you after you ignored him after sleeping with him then you were rude and dismissive.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 12/12/2024 18:01

Bloody hell.

No wonder men say they don't understand what women want. I am a woman, and I don't understand what you want here, either.

picklepotage · 12/12/2024 17:54

Looks like your self doubt is the issue

itsmylife7 · 12/12/2024 17:48

MissMoneyFairy · 12/12/2024 17:14

What did he say that upset you

he doesn't like big bums and OP has a naturaly big bum (that women are paying money to have )

mumuseli · 12/12/2024 17:38

I don’t understand your concern, as it sounds to me like he does like you!

picklepotage · 12/12/2024 17:32

Speak with him. Have an honest conversation without the alcohol

Agix · 12/12/2024 17:30

OP you've been the one messing about here. Poor lad probably doesn't known whether he's coming or going.

He said you're gorgeous and attractive. He made one comment about big behinds and you conpletely ignore the comments about you being gorgeous. At size 10/12, you probably don't really have that big of a bum, so he might not have thought it applied to you.

You're blowing hot and cold with him, trying to get him to say the perfect words to you. Or, were, since it seems things are over now.

Hatty65 · 12/12/2024 17:30

I think you sound very hard work, to be honest.

You'll overthink whatever he says/does until he can't win.

Suzuki76 · 12/12/2024 17:29

I don't think this has got off to a good enough start to be long term. If you really like each other and you've built a friendship I'm sure he doesn't give a shit about your waist to hip ratio by now or he'd have moved on ages ago. If anything you're yanking his chain!

GivingYourHeadAWobble · 12/12/2024 17:28

I asked him why we split up and I said jokingly is it because you think i'm chubby and have a big bum.

Oh you 'jokingly' said it, did you? 🙄

Look, however he feels or doesn't feel about your arse, it didn't stop you wanting to shag him.

If he'd only left his family home 8 months prior to your first 'relationship', then he was very probably still on the rebound.

But I agree with others in that you come across as though you're game playing.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 12/12/2024 17:25

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 12/12/2024 17:06

Probably because she wanted to. There doesn't have to be any other reason.

Show quote history

But most women wouldn't want to have sex with a man who said he didn't fancy them.

Original poster
Hypnot · 12/12/2024 17:23

I slept with him because I really like him and yes I suppose I wanted reassurance that he liked me, but didn't think about how i'd feel afterwards.

Do you think I am playing games? I honestly wonder if I deliberately sabotaged it. I don't think i'm probably in the best frame of mind at the moment.

He upset me because he basically said he thought I had a big bum when we first started dating a year ago and I did feel insecure, but I didn't know why at the time I wasn't sure if it was because he wasn't emotionally available or because I had big bum. Which makes sense now.

I think after sleeping with him I started to convince myself that he would regret it and still not be attracted to me so I gave him a way out again. Okay, if that's the case then at least I can address it as being my issue that I need to deal with.

OP posts:
FoxtonFoxton · 12/12/2024 17:23

It's an absolute waste of time. If it's game playing and drama and upset at this stage, it's not worth it at all. Block him and move on with dignity and don't let him neg you into sleeping with him again.