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Original poster

The Christmas Carol concert strop

163 replies

Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 15:53

It’s my 11 year old son’s Christmas carol concert tonight, it’s at the local church at 6pm. He usually does an activity which he adores on a Thursday evening, an activity that was cancelled last Thursday and Saturday because of terrible weather. So he hasn’t been ‘FOREVER!’. He doesn’t have a speaking part in the concert as he has previous years, he’s just in the choir as all his classmates are. He doesn’t enjoy performing or singing on stage so even if he didn’t have somewhere else he would love to be he’d still not be keen.

We’re making him go to the carol concert and he’s furious. He’s been stomping and banging about in his room since he got home from school and has gone off to knock for his friend for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to force him to go? Or is it fair enough - it’s part of Christmas, it’s his last carol concert as he’ll be in high school next year and he needs to learn he can’t always have it his way. We’re all going to have an absolutely terrible time, sat in a cold church watching our son sit at the back of his school choir in a massive mood!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:56

Dadstheworld · 12/12/2024 16:53

Did he ever agree to go to the carol concert?

There's no lesson to be learned if he had no say in attending from the start.

It's not really something you agree or don't agree to it's just how it is. Unless there are particular religious, cultural, behavioural or safeguarding issues it's just expected you'll be there I think. It's just a normal state school nothing fancy. hey have told us about it for a couple of months, we just hadn't clocked the day and activity clash.

OP posts:
snowdropsy · 12/12/2024 16:56

I think you’re doing the right thing making him do it. Otherwise the message he gets is that he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do.
It might be an exam next time. Or a doctor’s appointment. Or getting a job when he’s 18.
Don’t set that precedent. He does have a part, he’s in the choir. I’m sure the vast majority would rather be elsewhere, but if they all bailed there’d be no concert. I’m sure the concert brings joy to a lot of people each year, and it celebrates an important event in the calendar. It’s a commitment he needs to honour.

Mysteryfemale · 12/12/2024 16:56

The teacher may have a regular Thursday activity she likes to do that she can't do this week because she's doing this in the evening. Should she decide nah, just fvck it? Its not like it's in her regular working hours. You can agree with him it's a shame he's had to miss a few lately (sounds like he wouldnt be kicking off about tonight either if he had been able to go recently) but he's part of this school event and he can go horseriding another night. And I definitely wouldn't be teaching him that if he complains loudly enough he gets what he wants.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:54

Thank you very much for all your replies, I can see all your points. I think I will stick with making him go, because he can go horse riding tomorrow, and the points people have about needing numbers in the choir even if you are 'just' part of the chorus line. And it's a lesson in life sucks sometimes learn to control your frustration! Thanks for some advice in dealing with it too. :)

OP posts:
Dadstheworld · 12/12/2024 16:53

Did he ever agree to go to the carol concert?

There's no lesson to be learned if he had no say in attending from the start.

Turbo4 · 12/12/2024 16:51

I went to a school myself that use to have Christmas concerts after school and I remember when kids didn’t turn up how it affected the performance for everyone. Even if they didn’t have a solo part it still affected everyone. I would send him to the concert especially as his horse riding can be rearranged within the next couple of days.

captainPugwashh · 12/12/2024 16:50

If he doesn't go to the carol concert then fine but he wouldn't be going horse riding either ! Don't reward the strop!

cardibach · 12/12/2024 16:50

BeachRide · 12/12/2024 16:47

Horse riding. Horses are therapeutic and it's a stressy time of year for everyone.

He can go horse riding tomorrow - OP has confirmed this.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:50

Perhaps I should go horse riding with him! 😄

OP posts:
cardibach · 12/12/2024 16:50

So many people who don’t get how a choir works. You need the numbers. What if everyone in it decided they were ‘just’ choir and bailed.
Plus it’s clear the activity can just as well be done tomorrow as per OP’s update - he’s not missing it completely and nobody there is relying on him.
He should definitely do the carol concert.

snoopyfanaccountant · 12/12/2024 16:49

He should go. Imagine what the performance would be like if half of those taking part decided not to bother turning up. It's one evening of the year. As others have said, life is full of things we would rather not be doing. If we bail out of them, we are letting other people down.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:49

BeachRide · 12/12/2024 16:47

Horse riding. Horses are therapeutic and it's a stressy time of year for everyone.

He does find then very therapeutic, he loves cuddling them! It is also an RDA stables so it's literally promoted as a therapeutic activity. Perhaps I am being a very mean mum! :(

OP posts:
BeachRide · 12/12/2024 16:47

Horse riding. Horses are therapeutic and it's a stressy time of year for everyone.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:47

It's normal to me that the concert is outside of school hours, perhaps this isn't normal in other areas. They're not forcing him to be there as such but it is expected. It's not a specific school choir he is a member of, it's all of years 3-6 singing together (possibly years 4-6 actually), they've been practicing for a while and he's been singing the songs and carols at home. I'd always expect him to attend, it's just part of school life to me, and like another poster said, what if all the kids decided they didn't want to go and it was just a couple of them that turn up to sing.

OP posts:
Marblesbackagain · 12/12/2024 16:46

YABU, it's a choir he wants to do n activity not sit in his room gaming 🤷‍♀️.

TheaBrandt · 12/12/2024 16:45

Definitely skip it. Unless he’s a habitual bailer. Honestly life’s too short. It’s supposed to
be enjoyable not an endurance test.

Boomer55 · 12/12/2024 16:44

He should go.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:42

fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 16:41

In that case can't the horse riding be postponed until tomorrow or the weekend? Then he can do both.

Show quote history

That's what I've said to him but he's still not happy! I'm hoping after running around with his friend he will come back a bit calmer.

OP posts:
fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 16:41

Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:38

It's something the school are sort of making him do, it's just how this school does carol concerts, they are after school for this age group. the activity is horse riding, his auntie owns and manages a stables on the old family farm, he can theoretically go whenever he likes within reason but he goes twice a week so it's not a team sport where he is needed like in football or rugby and doesn't cost us money.

I genuinely think he'd be happy enough to go to the concert if it wasn't for the fact he was missing the horses. We hadn't noticed the clash until earlier this week (it's a busy time of year!) so a bit of a last minute change of routine for him (he's not neurodivergent just doesn't like changes to plans too much).

I really love carol concerts usually, and we've all enjoyed previous ones, I just I know this one will be miserable because he is so angry.

In that case can't the horse riding be postponed until tomorrow or the weekend? Then he can do both.

fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 16:40

I think he should go to the carol concert and not pull out at the last minute.
Yes, it's annoying that the school organized the concert at that time on a Thursday evening but you should have made the school aware of the clash at the time and said he wouldn't be able to go because he had to go to the other activity instead.
It's not fair on the people organizing the carol concert or on his classmates to pull out now at the last minute. What if lots of people do the same thing? The choir could end up being quite depleted.
I used to run a children's choir and I ended up stopping because of this sort of thing. People signing their children up to the choir, confirming they would be there at a particular event and then either sending a quick message a couple of hours before "Sorry, can't make it, something's come up" or just simply not showing up. One of the events we did ended up with half the choir just not there.

It's about honouring a commitment (even if he didn't opt in as such because it is a whole school thing) or saying a clear no at an early point when you realize there is a clash so that the people organizing are aware.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:38

It's something the school are sort of making him do, it's just how this school does carol concerts, they are after school for this age group. the activity is horse riding, his auntie owns and manages a stables on the old family farm, he can theoretically go whenever he likes within reason but he goes twice a week so it's not a team sport where he is needed like in football or rugby and doesn't cost us money.

I genuinely think he'd be happy enough to go to the concert if it wasn't for the fact he was missing the horses. We hadn't noticed the clash until earlier this week (it's a busy time of year!) so a bit of a last minute change of routine for him (he's not neurodivergent just doesn't like changes to plans too much).

I really love carol concerts usually, and we've all enjoyed previous ones, I just I know this one will be miserable because he is so angry.

OP posts:
IKEAJesus · 12/12/2024 16:26

Did he opt into the carol concert as an extra-curricular or is it something school are making them do?

If he opted in, I’d be making him go because he chose to commit to it. If it’s a whole-class / whole-school thing I’d let him miss it if he doesn’t want to go.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/12/2024 16:25

Just back from such an endurance test... Too many chatty bloody people who should have gone to a cafe not a concert..
Told dh next year I wil be washing my hair.... Ds hated every second. Yabu to put you all through it op. I bet dc would prefer tidying their bedroom..

TickingAlongNicely · 12/12/2024 16:25

I wouldn't force him to attend the Carol concert, if he's going to grumpy and not participate.

But I wouldn't award a tantrum with going going to his the other activity either.

SausageRoll2020 · 12/12/2024 16:22

He doesn't want to go.
By the sound of your post you don't really want to go.
He is one of many in a choir so won't be missed.
He has another scheduled activity that he prefers (and presumably is also pre-committed to)

Why are you considering going? Sounds like it'd be an utterly miserable evening for all of you. There will be plenty of times in life he'll have to do things that aren't enjoyable but maybe learning how to say no to things is also an important life skill to learn. Maybe he could be the one to contact the organisers to tell them he won't be coming? Learning to do this politely is a good skill to have.