The Christmas Carol concert strop

Yeah but those examples mostly are part of employment to earn money to live and pay bills, a carol concert or play come under forced fun and serve absolutely no benefit to a child who is shy.

Also medical tests are very different from being forced to sing ‘we wish you a merry Christmas’ to entertain adults like we were trained monkeys.

But Carol concerts are supposed to be fun?!! Your examples are of work related and medical stuff the kids are required to do as well.

So, he doesn’t want to go, the school says he doesn’t have to go, him not going won’t affect anything as he is only in the choir and doesn’t have a speaking part, and he has a pre-existing activity that he wants to go to? Personally, I would let him do the activity in this situation.

But there’s tonnes of stuff adults have to do in life that they don’t want to- work meetings, team building rubbish, presentations, training days, working late, medical tests…
It’s just the things we are expected to do are a little different than carol concerts and school plays.

But isn’t the concert a subsequent commitment? If he had already committed to the hobby class/session, then isn’t it the concert that needs to b dropped on the basis that he already wasnt free that night?

It’s funny how adults make kids do things a lot of us adults would hate to have to do ourselves. If as adults we were conscripted to do a carol concert whether we wanted to or not we would throw a fit and tell them where to go, but with kids we just make them. I was shy as a kid and hated this sort of thing, concerts, plays etc and still do, though of course have had to rise to the challenge of being an adult and speaking to people, but none of these forced activities as a child helped that, I just sort of grew up.

Obviously it’s too late for your child, it’s a done deal and he can’t let everyone down now if they all have to be there. But just think as adults if we were made to do shit like this we dislike, it shouldn’t be different for children.

Of course he should go. He has made a commitment to his classmates and the school. It’s a one off, not an every week thing!

He also needs to recognise that throwing a strop is not the way to go about things. Sometimes in life we have to make sacrifices and occasionally do something we’d rather not, for the sake of others.

It’s no wonder we have so many children ruling the roost and ignoring parents when you see how many people on here would back down. Rewarding poor behaviour only leads to further poor behaviour.

Maybe the school will realise having an non optional event outside of school time isn’t ideal

but Presumably it is held on an evening to gain the maximum amount of pupils and parents it can understanding that not everyone can make it

these threads always strike me that sometimes we have higher expectations of children than adults.

Some kids really enjoy being in the choir. Mine did.

I'd make him go. He's old enough to start negotiating through these things. Also choirs need numbers so it's very unfair to drop out.

You're then practicing what you're preaching by going yourselves.

He is one of many in a choir so won't be missed.

What if all the others are having similar strops?

Absolutely whisky if you want to join in fab knock yourself out. Otherwise who cares?

Our primary did it really well the older years children chose if they wanted to be in the school choir or play an instrument. Those that weren’t musical performers stayed out of the whole thing.

We gave up with forcing after the violin wars. Dd1 stopped practising and had a miserable time at violin camp. Binned it. She found a sport she enjoyed that she played throughout her school years at a club and achieved top gcse and a level results and is going to a great university. Honestly my one
parenting regret was forcing this sort
of nonsense on her.

Well that’s because you’ve completely missed the point. 😂

Some of us couldn’t give a stuff about dodgy school shows full stop as they’re utterly pointless, in the same vein as watching reality tv shows.

As an older parent and a granny, I think they should be consigned to the same fate as primary schools sports day. (Ours thankfully doesn’t bother with that anymore)

Fine for sporty kids or the drama kids who choose to get involved but of little educational value to the rest of the school population and they really shouldn’t be badgered into being used essentially as a prop. to make the other kids look good. 🙄

He doesn't want to do it and you don't want to go and watch him do it.

He will be stood at the back miserable and pretending to sing, nobody will notice whether he is there or not.

Why are you forcing it?

If he had volunteered for the choir and was being relied on I would think differently. But this isn’t that.

All this bollocks about not letting him go riding because he had a strop - why isn't he allowed to be angry about it? It's a school activity, he didn't "agree" to it, he's being made to do something he doesn't enjoy and missing something he does enjoy because that's what school has decided, outside school hours.

Why shouldn't he be allowed to go riding tomorrow as a reward for showing up to something he really didn't want to do tonight?

He's a child. He's allowed to be pissed off.

Because middle aged parents like carols and “it’s the way it’s always been”. Most kids and young people wouldn’t choose to be involved in a Carol service. It’s the awkward age between the cuteness of the nativity when they do as they are told and the sunlight uplands of adulthood when you can choose your own actives depending on preference.

Forcing tweens and teens to partake in this stuff is pointless and counter productive.

@Stormyweatheroutthere oh yes, the chatterboxes. There were a few at DS's concert yesterday. Yakking to their mates all the way through it. And the toddlers too. I fully get that people may need to take younger children along but don't let them run up and down the aisle shrieking and stomping. The church even has a little play corner with books and quiet toys for little ones. DS was just doing the songs with the majority of the kids but those with speaking parts could barely be heard at times. I'd have been a bit disappointed if they had been my child as they deserved to have people willing and able to listen.

@TheaBrandt ’a show to placate the middle aged parents’…In what way?

On the flip side though,

There are countless sad and frustrated posts on here from women whose friends and family have bailed and let them down at the last minute.

Parents who can’t persuade their children to do anything they don’t want to do, such as tidy up / go to college / get a job.

Wives whose husbands opt out of all the tasks they’d rather not do in favour of cycling or going to the pub.

The only people who need to ‘learn how to say no’ are those who are people pleasers to begin with. OP’s son having a strop about his horse-riding and railing against the carol concert doesn’t sound like a people-pleaser. He sounds like a child who needs to learn that he can’t always do what he wants.

I don't understand the thinking here in general.

Kids don't get a choice in participating in these events.
Lots of them don't want to and wouldn't given a choice.
It's not an essential life skill to sing, act etc, so I don't understand why it's forced. I strongly believe anything outside of school hours should be a free opt in, no expectations.

Often the reasoning seems to be some version of "for the parents", "to promote the school" or "for the school community".
But the reasoning there is very odd.
For the parents - so you're ok with pushing kids into doing things they don't want, are neutral on benefiting them, and they had no choice in for the benefit of other adults...
To promote the school - Ditto, replace "other adults" with "the school"
For the school community - what community, when it relies on mild coercion - there's no "fellow feeling" here, it's just a chore.

Plenty of kids do like to sing and dance and act.
I really think they should be able to, same as the ones who like sport get a chance to play it and the academic ones to participate in quizzes/competitions etc.
But don't inflict it on the others who don't.

And if some school activities/events fold because too many people don't want to participate.... Well isn't that telling us something we should be listening to?

In this particular case, that's balanced against not bailing out at the last minute when you're expected somewhere and potentially letting people down. But I don't think he should have been forced into this position in the first place.

No our country is full of spoilt brats who refuse to do anything if its not for their own personal benefit this is why so many adults don't work the real world is a shock to them and they can't handle it

It's so last minute now you have to go, and are presumably alraady there, but I think you owe your DC a bit of an apology for committing him (or failing to correct his assumed attendance) without a discussion with him, and for confusing the dates, causing the double booking. I'm all for making them do anything they've committed to/not bailing when a better offer comes along, but this isn't the case here. However relaxed the agreement, he already had plans for this evening.

School are very U for expecting students not to already have other commitments and assuming attendance. My DCs' schools ask to confirm if attendance is possible for out-of-hours events for this very reason.