The Christmas Carol concert strop

Jessieshome · 2024-12-12T15:53:25+00:00

It’s my 11 year old son’s Christmas carol concert tonight, it’s at the local church at 6pm. He usually does an activity which he adores on a Thursday evening, an activity that was cancelled last Thursday and Saturday because of terrible weather. So he hasn’t been ‘FOREVER!’. He doesn’t have a speaking part in the concert as he has previous years, he’s just in the choir as all his classmates are. He doesn’t enjoy performing or singing on stage so even if he didn’t have somewhere else he would love to be he’d still not be keen. We’re making him go to the carol concert and he’s furious. He’s been stomping and banging about in his room since he got home from school and has gone off to knock for his friend for a bit. Am I being unreasonable to force him to go? Or is it fair enough - it’s part of Christmas, it’s his last carol concert as he’ll be in high school next year and he needs to learn he can’t always have it his way. We’re all going to have an absolutely terrible time, sat in a cold church watching our son sit at the back of his school choir in a massive mood!

Skybluepinky · 14/12/2024 18:56

U torture him, no one enjoys Xmas Carol concerts, there is always one kid that sounds like a donkey.

JudgeJ · 13/12/2024 20:58

Glad he went on the end and you were able to see a school event, so many of us miss everything when we are working. I also hope he enjoys his riding and it's not too cold or wet!

Dweetfidilove · 13/12/2024 19:40

Jessieshome · 13/12/2024 10:06

Thanks all, again, I can't read all the replies but I've read a lot.

The horse riding isn't a commitment he can pretty much go whenever he likes, he's extremely lucky that it's on the family farm with his aunt and cousins and free, so we've not even made a financial commitment. It's outdoor and has floodlights for those talking about it being dark 😊

Anyway, he calmed down loads after playing with his friend and went willingly all be it grumpily and joined in with the singing very half heartedly! But it was actually a lovely concert, I enjoyed it myself as did my husband and older son. He was also in a perfectly good mood afterwards.

As someone mentioned the evening concerts are a hundreds times better for me because of work, I've had to miss many sports days and harvest festivals in the past which has made me very sad.

I'm a big believer in teaching resilience, and handling emotions, yes he doesn't particularly enjoy performing on a stage, but he was in the pews amongst classmates so he wasn't particularly on display, but his main reason for not wanting to go was because he would rather have been horse riding not because he was frightened of performing.

He could be very easily spoiled this boy, he is very good at throwing a tantrum and he knows which buttons to push to try and make me give in, I could quite easily be a terrible mum who lets him get away with everything because I really struggle to cope with his tantrums, and I could end up raising a total twat of a man who thinks he can always have what he wants. Digesting all your comments, thank you, I think I did the right thing. He's a lovely boy really 😍

Oh excellent! I hope you all enjoyed it at least 😊.

Dweetfidilove · 13/12/2024 19:39

He goes to the concert to support his friends and teachers who have invested time and effort into preparing.

How would he feel if he had the solo next year and no-one else turned up, because they didn't have an important enough part?

It won't hurt him to learn a bit of duty early on, as so many youngsters just seem ill-equipped for life in general.

Jifmicroliquid · 13/12/2024 19:24

Glad it all went ok OP and that you managed to enjoy it. I think you taught your son a very valuable lesson and I’m very much in agreement with your thoughts on it.
I hope he enjoys his horse riding! 😊

LlynTegid · 13/12/2024 11:51

Thank you for letting us know and you did the right thing.

JudgeJ · 13/12/2024 10:40

Acrossthemountains · 12/12/2024 22:31

So without knowing why that child might not be there, you'd be a complete dick to him?

Bullying children isn't a good look.

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Not in the slightest! He's choosing to 'be a dick' by letting the others down and needs to know that there are consequences in life, a lesson that so many wet parents on here are frightened to teach, as they cowardly choose to avoid lots of things that may make them unpopular with their children.

BunnyLake · 13/12/2024 10:39

It looks like you made the right decision. You know your son better than anyone here. My kids didn’t really have tantrums so if they didn’t want to go somewhere (that wasn’t a commitment) they didn’t necessarily have to go. You’d certainly be making a rod for your own back if you gave in to his every tantrum. Glad you enjoyed it.

Original poster

Jessieshome · 13/12/2024 10:06

Thanks all, again, I can't read all the replies but I've read a lot.

The horse riding isn't a commitment he can pretty much go whenever he likes, he's extremely lucky that it's on the family farm with his aunt and cousins and free, so we've not even made a financial commitment. It's outdoor and has floodlights for those talking about it being dark 😊

Anyway, he calmed down loads after playing with his friend and went willingly all be it grumpily and joined in with the singing very half heartedly! But it was actually a lovely concert, I enjoyed it myself as did my husband and older son. He was also in a perfectly good mood afterwards.

As someone mentioned the evening concerts are a hundreds times better for me because of work, I've had to miss many sports days and harvest festivals in the past which has made me very sad.

I'm a big believer in teaching resilience, and handling emotions, yes he doesn't particularly enjoy performing on a stage, but he was in the pews amongst classmates so he wasn't particularly on display, but his main reason for not wanting to go was because he would rather have been horse riding not because he was frightened of performing.

He could be very easily spoiled this boy, he is very good at throwing a tantrum and he knows which buttons to push to try and make me give in, I could quite easily be a terrible mum who lets him get away with everything because I really struggle to cope with his tantrums, and I could end up raising a total twat of a man who thinks he can always have what he wants. Digesting all your comments, thank you, I think I did the right thing. He's a lovely boy really 😍

OP posts:

ItGhoul · 13/12/2024 09:37

Can you imagine if I told my boss I couldn’t make the meeting because “autonomy”?

This isn’t a work meeting though. It’s an out of hours leisure activity, at a time when he has a prior commitment, and at which he has no role.

If my boss asked me to go to a work-related social event, at which I didn’t have any role other than to appear, outside of work hours on an evening when I already had a personal engagement in my diary, of course I’d say ‘Sorry, I won’t be able to make it.’

ItGhoul · 13/12/2024 09:32

Reallybadidea · 12/12/2024 16:09

YANBU sometimes we all have to do things we'd rather not because we've made a commitment/we don't let others down/it's the right thing to do.

In what way would he be letting others down? He doesn’t have any role other than to stand there with other kids and sing, and it’s not a mandatory activity. Sure, I’d make him do it if he had a solo or something, but otherwise it’s just making him be a martyr. We do, indeed, all have to do things we don’t like - which is why I think it’s perfectly OK to only do them when it’s actually important or necessary. He has another commitment on Thursdays that he does enjoy - why is that less important than the carols? Why can’t he choose which one to do?

Every day on Mumsnet there are women telling other women to say no to things they don’t enjoy, telling them not to be people-pleasing martyrs, going on about boundaries and how ‘no is a complete sentence’ etc. But when it’s a kid being asked to do a pointless activity that they hate, purely for appearances, people act like that’s character building. Surely it’s teaching kids to be the people who can’t say no in later life?

Necessary stuff where your presence will be missed - yes, that’s something we have to do even if we’d rather not. But it would be useful to distinguish those things from the unnecessary things that we don’t need to do at all.

TrippTover · 13/12/2024 09:27

IKEAJesus · 13/12/2024 09:20

Can you imagine if I told my boss I couldn’t make the meeting because “autonomy”?

I’ve certainly told my managers I can’t make non-core events outside of my contractual working hours. Never been an issue.

I never understand the resistance to this. Nothing wrong with respecting your own time!

IKEAJesus · 13/12/2024 09:20

Can you imagine if I told my boss I couldn’t make the meeting because “autonomy”?

I’ve certainly told my managers I can’t make non-core events outside of my contractual working hours. Never been an issue.

metellaestinatrio · 13/12/2024 07:47

Acrossthemountains · 12/12/2024 21:58

You really do seem to be struggling to recognise that there's nothing inappropriate about a child who is still in primary school expressing his emotions in a childish way.

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He’s 11! He’ll be at secondary school
next year. My six year old was very rude to me yesterday when I picked him up - shouting, moaning, throwing his coat at me. I said to him that wasn’t a very nice way to speak to Mummy and he must not be so rude. He apologised and told me he was hungry! If a (not especially mature) six year old can understand that he is acting out because he’s hungry, surely we can give an 11 year old some credit that he knows other, more effective, ways of communicating his feelings than having a strop and banging doors!

Workhardcryharder · 13/12/2024 07:43

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 16:58

I have never forced my dc to perform like this. It takes away their autonomy. That is why he is angry. There are plenty of children that love to perform and sing, and there are plenty that don’t. The whole event is not hanging in the balance of your son turning up, quite the reverse no one will even notice.

I think you should have said at the beginning he wouldn’t be attending. Next time you can give more notice. Children are people, they should have a choice as far as possible.

I would let him go to activity on the understanding he lets you know in good time if he doesn’t want to participate in the future.

I must admit I don’t agree with this. It does NOT take away a child’s autonomy to fulfil a commitment. It breeds a whole ton of insecurity in a child who doesn’t have solid boundaries placed by the parent. They then grow up thinking they call the shots and this hits them doubly hard when they enter the adult world and life isn’t like that.

Can you imagine if I told my boss I couldn’t make the meeting because “autonomy”? Imagine the effects of never really having to do something you haven’t felt up to doing. It may not seem like a bit deal to you but it leads to a lack of resilience. Not “autonomy”.
I’m only in my twenties and even I despair for the next generations.

Jifmicroliquid · 13/12/2024 07:02

Acrossthemountains · 12/12/2024 21:58

You really do seem to be struggling to recognise that there's nothing inappropriate about a child who is still in primary school expressing his emotions in a childish way.

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He can express them all he likes, but in a years time he’ll be in secondary school and expected to not have a strop when he has to do something he doesn’t want. Again I’ll repeat that he’s 11, not 3.

LarkinAboot · 12/12/2024 22:45

Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:54

Thank you very much for all your replies, I can see all your points. I think I will stick with making him go, because he can go horse riding tomorrow, and the points people have about needing numbers in the choir even if you are 'just' part of the chorus line. And it's a lesson in life sucks sometimes learn to control your frustration! Thanks for some advice in dealing with it too. :)

Ah should have read the full thread.
Hope it goes okay. Even if he mopes it's a valuable lesson imo.

LarkinAboot · 12/12/2024 22:44

I'd make mine go. I think people are too flakey these days. Sometimes I am, but only with plans I've not fully committed too.

There are exceptions - and people who you can be flexible with but if most of the choir don't show up because they're only in the choir and cba there is no choir or worse one or two people left to it.

Acrossthemountains · 12/12/2024 22:31

JudgeJ · 12/12/2024 22:16

If I were a teacher who had worked hard, probably in my lunchtime and after school, to help get this event together and one person suddenly couldn't be bothered to turn up I would make sure their name was at the bottom of the list for other class activities, especially if it was something he wanted to be involved in. He would learn that decisions have consequences.

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So without knowing why that child might not be there, you'd be a complete dick to him?

Bullying children isn't a good look.

cardibach · 12/12/2024 22:28

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 17:11

No wonder our country is littered with people pleasers unable to fathom how to use boundaries or say no.

No wonder our country is fragmented with everyone setting their group against everyone else’s.

cardibach · 12/12/2024 22:27

asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 12/12/2024 17:04

School hours? Sure, he does the concert. But out of school hours? Nope.
Why? Because he didn't sign up for it as a 'club'; it was part of his school day curriculum. That doesn't mean he has to appear in the evening.

I'd send him to his club.

It’s not a club. It’s horse riding at a relatives place and he can go tomorrow.

JudgeJ · 12/12/2024 22:16

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 17:07

Why should they ‘support’ the school doing something they hate? Who benefits? It is certainly not for the children that are being forced. Honestly a choir should be made up of every child that loves to sing. Children should be given other roles that are not performative. This is so archaic forcing kids to perform!

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If I were a teacher who had worked hard, probably in my lunchtime and after school, to help get this event together and one person suddenly couldn't be bothered to turn up I would make sure their name was at the bottom of the list for other class activities, especially if it was something he wanted to be involved in. He would learn that decisions have consequences.

JudgeJ · 12/12/2024 22:08

LadyDanburysHat · 12/12/2024 15:55

I'm not sure why you would force him to participate in something he dislikes, whether or not there is another activity he would rather do.

A great attitude to teach youngsters, you only have to do things you want. They'll do well taking that into their adult life.

Helpme100 · 12/12/2024 22:03

You're deliberately doing something that you will all have a terrible time at because of Christmas? Christmas isn't about having a terrible time is it? Or am I doing it wrong?

Acrossthemountains · 12/12/2024 21:58

Jifmicroliquid · 12/12/2024 20:42

Because he’s 11, not 3.

I’m fairly sure he knows other ways of communicating how he’s feeling and he should be encouraged to do so. Perhaps this whole situation wouldn’t be occurring if that had been the case.

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You really do seem to be struggling to recognise that there's nothing inappropriate about a child who is still in primary school expressing his emotions in a childish way.