to not understand MNers against neurodiversity

Is it really “offensive” to use an adjective in the correct context? From the OED:

2.b.
1938–
figurative and in extended use. Having or characterized by inconsistent or contradictory elements.

Despite this, there is always a common theme and a common feeling and words used by posters when their kids are Autistic with a PDA profile. Only those of us living it get it, see it, understand it and therefore will say ' have you considered '. I wish someone had said that to me a bit sooner!

All of which is fine (except I don’t think you only get it if you’ve lived it). But threads then develop some kind of tunnel vision. There’s one where the OP has repeatedly said they’ve considered ND but their child doesn’t meet the criteria other than one area. Cue lots of posters saying no but you’re missing something, I had X trait too and I was diagnosed, despite the OP assertion that knowing her child as she does, she doesn’t meet any of the criteria even allowing for differences in presentation between boys and girls.

I find job interviews really challenging. As a reasonable adjustment I ask for the questions in advance which gives me time to plan my answers in a stress free environment before I've got a panel of people staring at me!

You, correctly, called someone’s statement “
‘offensive’ and then went on to be offensive yourself. It’s really not acceptable to say “MN is a bit schizophrenic “.

You, again correctly, called our ableism on here but you have been ableist yourself.

Be the change you want to see in the world and all that.

This is and honest view coming from someone who had a NT child then an autistic child several years later. It felt great to be praised on how polite, intelligent, friendly, well behaved my oldest child was, I felt really proud of myself and like I was doing a great job parenting. I did judge other parents and think when their child was behaving certain ways or delayed in development it was down to the parenting. I think some of those who come out with things such as "it's an excuse" "everyone has it these days" "they need to just parent their child" just don't want to lose that impression that they have done such a great job parenting. I think for some of those who are ND/parents to ND children they also may feel jealous that there is more understanding and acceptance now but they had to struggle through a time where there wasn't so much understanding and support. As for those who say they managed life without a diagnosis and extra support as they weren't diagnosed until adulthood, well, that can't really be accurate. If they've managed life fine why would they even be seeking a diagnosis as an adult, they'd just be getting on with their lives happily. So again, I think that's jealousy that they missed out on support so don't feel others should get it

How do you know they weren't depressed? You never really know how someone is feeling. I had a period of depression and attempted to take my own life. No one other than my DH had a clue I was depressed.

But your DS may overcome his anxiety, and there are good treatments for anxiety in ND people.
The other mum's DS will never overcome his learning disability.
Which is why I agree that DLA or PIP should need renewing. My DS is less anxious than he was, but his epilepsy is worse than it was 5 years ago but better than it was in the summer. Hell always have ADHD but its effects will vary depending on how he's treated.

I'm very vocal on parenting threads when I see significant commonality with my own experience. Then I see there will always be comments such as not everyone is ND and a group who will be eager to highlight ineffective parenting as the cause. Some seem to revel in berating parents as being ineffectual.

I see both sides; that it feels like an insult to the large ND population when a poster is highlighting very difficult and what look like really nasty behaviours and someone then says - oh ND.

For me,it is so much more than that. I notice the feelings the OP is sharing, the fact that they are communicating as clearly very competent and unable to comprehend why typical approaches that they've exhausted to death haven't worked. Posters who have not lived this therefore would not see what those of us living this do see or relate to. As these parenting related thread unfolds, there's nearly always a family member mentioned who is ND. Even after this there will be posters keen to highlight the ineffectual parenting. I believe these are primarily parents who don't have ND kids and have a need to ' other' people as crap parents so they can't possibly be one themself.

The others who have ND kids who don't act this way will also not get it because as we all know, every ND person is different with a very possible combination of co morbidities at play.

Despite this, there is always a common theme and a common feeling and words used by posters when their kids are Autistic with a PDA profile. Only those of us living it get it, see it, understand it and therefore will say ' have you considered '. I wish someone had said that to me a bit sooner!

Generally, yes, I agree OP. Many have a problem with this. A few of the reasons I've mentioned above I believe feed into that.

Thank you for sharing that. I do agree with many of your points so perhaps I’m not so different.
I am self employed because I came to the realisation that I just don’t do well with being managed. Bar work is one thing I knew I would never be able to do. I can’t filter out noise in environments like pubs because all I hear is random peoples conversations and my brain tries to follow them, aswell as follow the one with the person I’m talking to… in the end I just go into overload and zone out… 🤣

I do agree with flexibility being useful, but I suppose I’ve always felt it is useful for most people, whether they are ND or not.
In fact, I see a lot of the things you have mentioned that actually could be of benefit to everyone.

I’ve always been a very black and white thinker. Perhaps a trait of my autism or just a trait of me, I don’t know. As a result I sort of accept things I’m not good at and think very little of them after I’ve made that judgement call. I’m not sure if that goes some way to explaining why I’ve never considered that changes in society would particularly help me, because I simply box that part off in my mind and move on.
I’m also not my best in interviews. I am a writer more than a speaker. I can articulate myself far better with the written word than I can verbally, but it’s genuinely never entered my head that they should offer interview questions in written form to help people like me. I suppose I just think ‘well that’s not the way they do it’ and I either work at improving my interview skills, or I accept that I’ll never come across as well in an interview as I would like.
Human brains are complex, aren’t they! 😂

I do really appreciate you sharing your thoughts @AmethystMist

In order to meet the needs of such a variety of students, teachers need far smaller classes and much more in class help. So funding, really.

Yes or tell them 30 minutes before the actual time.

Happy to share, although I can only speak from my own perspective as what would help other autistic people might be quite different.

I'm also slightly unusual in that I am also 'gifted' and have ADHD and dyslexia so I'm not great at separating all of those things.

Some accomodations are specific and some are more general or attitudinal.

Broadly I'd say that there are many ways organisations can made adjustments that would remove barriers related to some of the most frequent features of autism - so communication differences, processing differences, sensory differences etc.

Flexible working is one that really helps me and honestly, since I've been able to do that my performance has been extremely high - whereas when I was office based I struggled with attendance. Working from home more and with more flexible hours means I can do my work without having to contend with the sensory and social communication challenges that I'd usually have to navigate - things that were actually nothing to do with my job.

Another one is accomodation around processing. My processing speed is slow despite very high IQ. I am historically awful in tests and interviews - my results never reflect my actual capabilities. I once had an interview where I was given the questions a bit in advance. I then totally nailed that interview. I think if employers recognised the limits of interviews, they'd end up with a lot more good people in posts. Similar with small accomodations about giving people written notes after meetings etc.

Another is a bit more general - I wish both schools and jobs were less keen on people being an all rounder. I think for autistic people, and probably lots of other people, working in a strengths - based way is much better. So key skills for job roles shouldn't ask for certain skills unless they are actually important for carrying out the job. I'd say the same for schools, I would have done a lot better if I'd been able to build on my strengths instead of needing to try and even out - by nature my cognitive profile is not even at all!

In general I think that small accomodations such as these could make school and work more inclusive, and allow more autistic people to fulfil their potential rather than having to meet rather arbitrary expectations which often dampen strengths and do nothing for our self esteem.

I was a terrible bartender. For some time I thought I was genuinely unemployable. But I found my niche and I'm an exceptional policy designer. To me the latter is easy and the former extremely difficult. But society often doesn't see it that way so lots of people end up stuck feeling bad about themselves.

Unless you have a ND child it's hard to understand IME. I was the same, I didn't understand, until I had my own.

However there are also kids who aren't ND and their behaviour is due to parental neglect, I've seen this too.

Only the experts can give a diagnosis and there are parents desperate to get one for a whole number of reasons (to shift responsibility, not to be to blame, financial) but don't get it because they simply aren't!

So when you do have a genuine ND child and educators flag it up at school and you already know, you do everything you can to help them and become actively involved with support agencies, not expect them to do it. X

schools issue surely comes down to money/resources, they simply cannot provide 1 to 1

Do you mind if I ask what things you feel need to change? Not necessarily talking about in school, but more in the adult world. What accommodations do you need to function better?
Genuinely not being goady, but I’m starting to realise I might be an unusual autistic, given so many fellow autistics don’t agree with my thoughts. I’m interested in finding out why this is.

Yeah, that is an unfortunate choice of language!

A bit schozophrenic?

Sorry, I will try and make my post clearer, as its not.

There are too many NT people that try to claim that they, or their children are ND.
There are also some unscrupulous "professionals" that sell labels. (I will probably get flamed for that).

And it is these people that others get angry at.
I have several friends that claim to have have "time blindness" yet they can get to other things on time. Yet not for friends.
The issue is that they have decided that this is what is wrong with them, they have no diagnosis.

Add to this there is a huge issue in having conditions that are so wide ranging that it could be said that everybody "is a little bit" etc.

Schools and teachers have a hard time with some of these conditions because you can have 2 or more pupils in the class with conflicting requirements, for instance one child must be allowed to be loud, another must have a quiet classroom, both must be sat at the front.
Some time ago I was told to fuck off on here for saying that.

I was also told that a child ASD couldn't be creative and good at art. This from someone on here from the SEND board.

I am off the firm opinion that schools and other organisations don't do enough for children that are ND, and I have seen that reduced by various governments, but their is only so much that they can do.

Fair enough. Lots of people feel the umbrella term autism is adequate because it's too difficult to create sub-categories.

I'm used to feel that too as I felt it was all to complicated due to the spiky profiles. I felt was the best option

I'm now feeling more inclined to think something better could evolve that helps identify needs and support better.

If someone was consistently late I would give up meeting them.

Just looked up Time Blindness. As an adult could you put in strategies to help yourself now you know you have it? Allow an extra 10 minutes, aim to be early, timers, alarms etc? Genuine question from a probable dyslexic who had to find ways round her problematic spelling.

A ramp is an example of an adjustment that can make society a little more accessible for a wheelchair user. That was my point.

I am also autistic and I must say I disagree with this. I don't think that autistic children get enough support in school, at all. You are right that the world doesn't bend for neurodivergent people. But it should. A lot of the time there is no inherent value to the way things are done, beyond that they're the way things have always been done. I don't think the accomodation needed in schools and workplaces are often even that big. Maybe if we hadn't been raised with the shame around needing to do things differently, we'd just be more confident in asking for the accomodations we need to function best without thinking of this as the world bending!

sorry for your misunderstanding

help yourself doesn't mean cure