AIBU for limiting length of visit

81 replies

BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 13:17

I'm stuck between making a long post with lots of backstory or doing a drip feed - I've changed some details for anonymity.

My father and I have a difficult adult relationship, he raised me alone with no help from my mum who I haven't seen since I was a young teen. He was a good father all things considered and tried his best. I think he has undiagnosed mental health problems which have worsened with time. He thinks that I am transferring anger to him because of what my mum did. He thinks that raising me gives him cart blanche to be part of my life. He is so angry now he has started 'grey rock'ing me - so I don't know where he lives or who he spends time with. If I ask him what he's been up to he'll say 'not much' and refuse to elaborate. It's the bones of relationship at all now, and I'd probably not speak to him at all if it wasn't for wanting him and my kids to know each other.

He wants to visit them for Christmas, and currently lives in the foreign country of his origin. He has family there but doesn't speak to them, lots of burned bridges etc.

Because he raised me alone, our relationship was very intense. He has strong religious beliefs that I no longer hold and this infiltrates everything. He also tends to latch on to conspiracy theories and to have paranoia. Worries about online banking etc. He hasn't worked in years and complains about the cost of living all of the time. He says he wants to 'come home' but has no property here, so he means my home, with my DH and kids.

He wanted to come for 8 weeks at Christmas, but I can't cope with him in the house for that long, and I'm worried he might never leave. He has a lovely relationship with his grandkids, but I find him so so difficult. I've offered for him to come for 3 weeks max. Even this I will struggle with and we will almost certainly argue at some point. He finds this boundary very offensive, his beliefs mean that he thinks that families should not have boundaries and that I'm ungrateful and disrespectful. He is mostly outwardly kind but occasionally angry and says mean things which I find hard to forgive. He thinks that being passionate is part of his culture, but I'm very British and find this rude.

AIBU? Hard to know if having boundaries with close family is healthy or cruel, given that my upbringing was unusual I can't get a proper read on it.

OP posts:

JoshLymanSwagger · 12/12/2024 13:46

If he can't afford accommodation, can he afford return flights? Travel Insurance?

Are you sure he'd actually go home?

thepariscrimefiles · 12/12/2024 13:42

How does your dad support himself if he doesn't work? 8 weeks is a ridiculously long time to stay for Christmas, even if he was a delightful guest, which he obviously isn't.

You are entitled to have boundaries to protect yourself from his behaviour. He obviously has his own boundaries if he refuses to tell you where he lives, so you can 'grey rock' him right back.

It's as though he uses the fact that he raised you alone to emotionally blackmail you into compliance when you push back on his controlling behaviour. Lots of people were raised by a single parent, usually their mothers, and this doesn't give them any special privileges to behave badly and to have unrealistic expectation of what their adult child owes them.

Original poster

BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 13:42

My DH can barely tolerate my DF, he has seen how nasty he can be when he doesn't get his way and hates to see me upset. But he acknowledges that without my DF I would have no family at all and that having a parent is important to me. He's a very good husband and has shown me what a true father child relationship should look like

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 12/12/2024 13:31

his beliefs mean that he thinks that families should not have boundaries

But he won't tell you where he lives?

It sounds like his 'beliefs/culture' are selective and chosen to suit him.

What does your dh think about him staying for 3 weeks? I wouldn't be able to tolerate this.

Original poster

BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 13:26

He would say that he has no money for an Airbnb. It's obviously free to stay with me so he wants to stay as long as possible, also the flights cost a lot and he's now saying he doesn't have money for that either. I'm not in a financial position to help him, and even if I was I think he's made poor choices.

OP posts:

adulthoodisajoke · 12/12/2024 13:21

I would have said tell him to get an airbnb if he wants to stay a long time

setting boundaries for yourself is your choice. if you feel like you need to have that space thats your choice and youre allowed to protect yourself

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