Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for limiting length of visit

81 replies

BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 13:17

I'm stuck between making a long post with lots of backstory or doing a drip feed - I've changed some details for anonymity.

My father and I have a difficult adult relationship, he raised me alone with no help from my mum who I haven't seen since I was a young teen. He was a good father all things considered and tried his best. I think he has undiagnosed mental health problems which have worsened with time. He thinks that I am transferring anger to him because of what my mum did. He thinks that raising me gives him cart blanche to be part of my life. He is so angry now he has started 'grey rock'ing me - so I don't know where he lives or who he spends time with. If I ask him what he's been up to he'll say 'not much' and refuse to elaborate. It's the bones of relationship at all now, and I'd probably not speak to him at all if it wasn't for wanting him and my kids to know each other.

He wants to visit them for Christmas, and currently lives in the foreign country of his origin. He has family there but doesn't speak to them, lots of burned bridges etc.

Because he raised me alone, our relationship was very intense. He has strong religious beliefs that I no longer hold and this infiltrates everything. He also tends to latch on to conspiracy theories and to have paranoia. Worries about online banking etc. He hasn't worked in years and complains about the cost of living all of the time. He says he wants to 'come home' but has no property here, so he means my home, with my DH and kids.

He wanted to come for 8 weeks at Christmas, but I can't cope with him in the house for that long, and I'm worried he might never leave. He has a lovely relationship with his grandkids, but I find him so so difficult. I've offered for him to come for 3 weeks max. Even this I will struggle with and we will almost certainly argue at some point. He finds this boundary very offensive, his beliefs mean that he thinks that families should not have boundaries and that I'm ungrateful and disrespectful. He is mostly outwardly kind but occasionally angry and says mean things which I find hard to forgive. He thinks that being passionate is part of his culture, but I'm very British and find this rude.

AIBU? Hard to know if having boundaries with close family is healthy or cruel, given that my upbringing was unusual I can't get a proper read on it.

OP posts:
mammaCh · 12/12/2024 22:13

8 WEEKS?! That's craziness.
I adore my parents and they're amazing, but I couldn't put up with them staying for that long!

EdithStourton · 12/12/2024 22:04

He might have been a good parent in the past, but he is not a good parent now: good parents let their DC know where they are living, do their utmost to sort out their own finances and don't expect to stay for weeks longer than they are welcome.

I appreciate that the MH conditions are not his fault, but they're not your fault either. I would go for the option of saying that you can't host him for more than a fortnight, that you can't afford his flights just now, but that you will bring the DC to visit him once you have enough saved up.

That leaves the door open, and if he kicks off, he is the one being unreasonable. There comes a point when dealing with an unreasonable parent when you have to protect yourself and your DC, and that can mean making some tough choices.

Sorry, OP. It's shit.

Mum2jenny · 12/12/2024 21:44

Be very careful he doesn’t just turn up and expect to live with you until he dies. Not sure how you can avoid this potential scenario though…

Original poster
BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 21:14

Thank you all for being so helpful. It's reassuring that my instincts to set boundaries are not off. And if they are not respected then NC may have to be a last resort.

I just can't imagine having that chat with my kids to explain why we don't see DF anymore. He's always been a Disneyland grandpa.

He believes that the patriarchy is a good model and in his culture families live in multigenerational households quite commonly.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 12/12/2024 17:34

I wouldn't want to go NC.

I would put firm boundaries in place to protect my family and myself from him.

Whatever he was like growing up, he's now unpleasant, manipulative and paranoid.

Bringing you up doesn't entitle him to now treat you this way.

Personally I, wouldn't have him stay longer than a week. If he has no money, that's his choice.

mindutopia · 12/12/2024 17:32

Honestly, speaking as someone who has a difficult relationship with her family who also live in another country where they have isolated themselves from extended family there, it would be a big no from me. It’s too much and not fair on your Dh and dc. I would take the dc to visit him, for a short visit, do some travelling, in the years you can afford it. That way you are the one in control of how much contact you have. You can leave anytime you need to. No way would he be coming for 3 weeks, definitely not 8! I used to just about get through 1 week with my family visiting.

Thatcastlethere · 12/12/2024 17:24

Do you really think he will change if you just explain yourself well enough?
No one wants to go no contact with a parent.. it's always very painful. Especially when you know they love you in their own way. But you have a right to not have every boundary crossed and live with high levels of stress. You have a right to put yourself and your peace first.
Many parents develop this level of narcissisim where they act as though their children prioritising their own mental wellbeing and their own needs is some kind of horrific violent act.. but in reality we all have a right to do this And your dad is very certainly doing it to the extent he expects you to prioritise him too.
Sometimes this is just not salvageable because the parent is just not a reasonable person. And despite loving them and knowing on some level they do love you you end up having to totally cut them off as they do not respond to reasonable boundary making.
Know that you have a right to do this. You need to put your husband and kids first. You do not owe your dad for loving you or raising you. This is a bare minimum any parent should do for their children and it's not transactional. And if he put you thru private school expecting you to then do whatever he wanted in return.. to allow him to live with you as an adult at great expense to your relationship and the wellbeing of your kids.. that is not OK. It's not acceptable at all. Let go of this guilt. He is trying to manipulate you and he has absolutely no right to. You do not owe him this level of sacrifice. You owe him basic human decency which you have been giving him but that doesn't seem to be enough for him sadly. That's his issue not yours.

Original poster
BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 16:26

I'm worried about the one way ticket too

He won't disclose personal details over FaceTime because of his paranoia. He also semi covers his face when he's talking (probably something to do with AI stealing your identity but I haven't asked)

He definitely was loving, very effusive, but I find that saccharine now and don't like to hug or say I love you (to him). Because I'm not sure I do. He's obviously heartbroken by this.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 12/12/2024 16:22

I’d be very wary in case you can’t get rid of him after the visit and you find he’s bought a one way ticket to the UK.

ThisJollyLimeBird · 12/12/2024 16:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ThisJollyLimeBird · 12/12/2024 16:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 16:08

Would you really go NC with a parent who raised you well, sent you to private school at great personal expense, and was loving?

He's become a difficult person, who makes terrible life choices. And he has always had very high expectations that I can't or don't want to meet. Going NC in many ways would be relief, but without someone seriously overstepping the mark I'm not sure it can be justified.

My DSIL went no contact with us many years ago because we were clumsy around her IVF journey, didn't say the right thing at the right time. Lessons learned, but I wish she had just spoken to us and we could have worked it out. The relationship is better now but not healed. I was so hurt that she was NC with us and it's given me insight to the other side of the coin.

OP posts:
Normallynumb · 12/12/2024 15:55

8 weeks is nuts and if he thought anything of you and your family he would consider that
I think you feel a duty towards him as he was a good DF growing up
You have a family now, a lovely DH and DC
I think you need to enforce boundaries now and say no. His past visits haven't worked because of his anger and you shouldn't subject your DC to that
It's ok to realise you don't owe him anything.
I see him manipulating you to live with you when his money runs out and I wouldn't trust him to leave now.
Go NC if LC would feel worse and get some therapy if you need to.

QforCucumber · 12/12/2024 15:42

Why are you so determined to foster the relationship with him?

You don't owe him anything for raising you, that's the bare minimum a parent should do.

ThisJollyLimeBird · 12/12/2024 15:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ThisJollyLimeBird · 12/12/2024 15:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thatcastlethere · 12/12/2024 15:01

8 weeks is absolutely mental. You are very right to have a boundary.

Original poster
BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 15:00

I wouldn't want to visit his country, although I think he'd like it if I did, especially if I brought the kids. I think that he feels hard done by always being the one to make the trip- but I feel hard done by because he wants to stay for so long when he does visit.

When he first moved he visited multiple times a year and stayed for a total of 12 weeks over the year, it was awful. It's been a long time since he last visited now over a year.

If I cut him off he'll think I'm a monster, especially since he was actually a very good dad when I was little and ensured he put my needs first. We've grown apart though and have such little common ground now, his world view and life choices are opposite to mine.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/12/2024 14:59

SapphOhNo · 12/12/2024 14:47

Just say no to him coming at all. What do you get out of him being in your life? he sounds heinous.

I think this tbh

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/12/2024 14:59

Are they the sort of “beliefs” that many men seem to hold, which mean specifically WOMEN shouldn’t have any boundaries? Esp women younger than them?

adulthoodisajoke · 12/12/2024 14:54

if he cant afford the flights then is that a blessing in disguise?

does he live in a country where you could have a holiday to in the new year?
then youre the one who is there and can leave whenever you want
stay in a hotel

SapphOhNo · 12/12/2024 14:47

Just say no to him coming at all. What do you get out of him being in your life? he sounds heinous.

kiwiane · 12/12/2024 14:43

I’d cut him off - I think you need therapy and need to focus on your own family - there’s no peace to be had by keeping up contact with him. I wouldn’t help him with his flights or put him up if he can be so nasty.

Original poster
BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 14:34

I don't know how he supports himself, I presume he's burning through all of his savings. I don't know what will happen when he inevitably ends up with nothing left. I can't take him in, but I also couldn't live with myself if he was out on the streets.

OP posts:
Couldyounot · 12/12/2024 13:48

I could barely tolerate 8 days in this scenario, let alone 8 weeks. YANBU