AIBU for limiting length of visit

Interesting that you think a child has to "reward" a parent for doing what the parent is supposed to do - i.e. care for and raise the child they chose to have. You choose to have a child - then you choose to make the sacrifices involved in being a parent to that child.

Also interesting you aren't levying any criticism at OP's father, who hasn't bothered caring for his own elderly mother, despite expecting OP to care for him.

And since when was eight weeks only a few weeks - last time I looked it was closer to being two months. Which is not a short stretch of time for a guest to come and visit - let alone when they haven't actually been invited.

wow... i dont think he had a choice in raising you alone since your mother's absence. is this how you reward him?? other than judging his flaws, did you physically seek help for him? or you just judge from afar and distance yourself? just remember, for him, he gave up his life to raise you, accepting you as you are, while you can't even have him for a few weeks...

You seem to a caring person stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd be reluctant to cut him off, in the years to come you may well feel guilt and regret.
I think you need to cancel the visit to you, and in future make visits to him, setting out in advance the dates, location ( I'd book hotel, Airbnb) and behaviour you expect from. If your visits become unpleasant then restrict future contact to video calls etc. Don't just abandon him and go NC.

I'm delighted to read this OP.

Mothers are the centre of the family and their loss to their children is incalculable.

I know this from my family.

You are so blessed with a good husband and children who love you.
Hold on to this and mind it and mind yourself.

You deserve peace and happiness.
He is not your responsibility.

Your husband has witnessed his poor behaviour of you and doesn't like him as a result.
If necessary use your marriage and your husband, your children as justification of doing whats best for you too.

Have a lovely calm peaceful Christmas.
You deserve it.

@BeeKeeping

I'm glad you've got a reprieve.

But I do think that you need to think a bit 'long term' if you absolutely know that you will not allow your dad to move in. Because I'm sure he's going on the assumption that he will be welcome and it will happen and you don't want to be blindsided with him showing up on your doorstep, bag and baggage.

You need to plan your words and your strategy well in advance.

I think I'd add "dh has a visitor from x date so we'll need that room for him to stay in".

Make it very clear, he won't be overstaying.

@oodydoody is correct in everything.

I'd add that this sort of behaviour (ie your behaviour- inflicting a rude, unpleasant visitor on your family for 8 weeks ) is the sort of thing that puts a huge strain on marriages.

OP, you sound like a lovely woman but a bit ground down by FOG.

Fear, obligation and guilt.

Your first obligation is to your husband and family with him.
Making your marriage with your good husband is your priority.
A happy marriage inevitably hugely benefits your children.
That is your priority.

Having your father to stay is not in your best interests and therefore not in your husbands and children.

He is controlling, manipulative and self serving.
He has zero right to your home for a stay.
No matter what his relationship towards you, he has zero rights.

You are being controlled and guilted by him.
It is very hard to put down the guilt when you have been raised by it.

Women are hugely raised and controlled by it.

Your father is selective in his rules about family.
Let him be upset.
Let him kick up.
Your home is not his.
There is no way he should be coming with a one way ticket to your home.

If it means NC, so be it.
I have zero interest in bad financial decisions then being the problem of others.
Again, I think you spell out your boundaries and block him if he doesn't accept them.
Do not have him visit.
Your MH is too precious and your husband and children need you well.

Agree he is being selective and hypocritical. I think you are in a position to ask him about his mother’s wellbeing every time he starts on about the child’s duty to look after the parents. Who looks/looked after her?

Not unreasonable. 8 weeks would be far roo much even if you got on amazingly. Is it really positive for your children though? Sounds a bit toxic really

This is actually really tricky, I think. Cutting contact is such a nuclear option, people are so quick to jump to it on MN. As though people are disposable.

I think the cultural context would be important. Indian, Arab, west African, Korean or Chinese etc - this sort of context can shed light.

Your dad probably is selective because, to a lesser extent than you, he’s culturally mixed. Picking and choosing what he adopts and what he discards. Immigrants often do this (as well as bearing the burden of integrating too little, or integrating too much and pretending to be something they’re not. Can’t win 🙄).

I find that in complex situations - complex because of practicalities, or finances, or a difficult history, or a tangled web of emotions etc - it’s best to strip things back to the core. At the very least you can ask your dad for greater honest and clarity before making any decisions, and being honest about why you want it. You also both have a right to feeling upset or put upon or discomforted. Neither can expect to have everything exactly as they want it. Compromise, basically, on a bedrock of honesty and transparency.

lt sounds like you both want a relationship. It’s just the terms that need to be hammered out. And maybe you could reconsider taking your D.C. to the home country - you would have to suck it up, but you get to do everything else on your terms.

Gosh why are people saying go NC?! He sounds like a pain but that’s it. No big reason at all to cut him off? No, I wouldn’t be doing that for many reasons.

I would stick to boundaries strictly with him though. He keeps his anger in check & he’s welcome for 3 weeks only but you can’t help with the cost of the flight.

Lose your rose coloured glasses re 'family' think about it, if this man was not your father, surely you wouldn't tolerate him.

@BeeKeeping

I'm assuming that part of his 'family is all' belief is that it is a daughter's responsibility to care for an aging parent. Are you prepared to deal with this? Because chances are that someday he will suddenly announce that he can no longer live on his own so he is coming to live with you. And he will announce it, he will not ask if you mind.

You mention a Sister in Law, I apologize if I've missed something, but I assume then that you have a brother. What is his relationship like with your father?

in his culture families live in multigenerational households quite commonly.

Once again, he's selective with his 'culture'. Because you also say he doesn't speak to his family.

Why doesn't he speak to them?

and currently lives in the foreign country of his origin. He has family there but doesn't speak to them, lots of burned bridges etc.

That tells you that it's not you, it's him. Your boundary is fine, even generous.

His problem is that he is always right and should always get what he wants. He can have boundaries/ six foot brick walls, but you can't. That's not in his script.

If he shows signs of not leaving, get your DH to be the bad guy. Given what you've said I'm sure he'd be up for it!