AIBU for limiting length of visit

Loads of people, normally women, raise their children on their own and don't expect to be rewarded. She was his child so raising her was his responsibility. He doesn't get a medal for doing what millions of people do. His views on the role of women are disturbing as he is ultra religious and believes in the patriarchy so I wouldn't want those opinions around my children.

Plus he has abandoned his own mother in her old age, so he is completely hypocritical expecting his daughter to take him into her home.

Honestly it makes me feel better knowing im also not alone 😭. Its so conflicting, confusing and upsetting as the adult child of a toxic parent. Logic says one thing, your heart says another. So so frustrating.

You're allowed to have boundaries and have people respect your space, including your DH. You can have boundaries with anyone. Regarding your children you are also allowed to have boundaries with them seeing your dad because they're your children.
And if he's going to bring culture and religion into it, does that mean everything based on religion or done for cultural reasons is right? No.
There's plenty of women who struggle with boundaries as adults now because their parents so called culture was forced upon them and they didn't necessarily like it but had to accept it. What's right is when you're comfortable with the dynamic.

8 weeks is too much for a parent who isn't this "passionate". I'd tell him he takes the 3 weeks or not at all.

Why isn't he showing his own mother the same respect you seem to think OP should offer him?

He brings you up by himself , maybe show him a little more respect even if it's difficult, your mother abandoned you not him . You don't know what kind of upbringing he had,he might have bad experiences growing up witch has affected him . You only have one father try and love him while he is here, if you don't you may regret it when he's gone. Just a thought. Wishing you all the best.

In your shoes I would visit him and not have him come to you unless you are confident you can either financial support him or he can support himself.

That way you can set the length of the stay and travel on a solo basis staying in a hotel or similar. He can chat to the kids on video calls with support from you and you have maintained your relationship on your terms.

I am glad that fate has sorted this one out for you even if temporarily. Give a great big sigh of relief and enjoy your family Christmas.

Boundaries are necessary in all healthy relationships.
I am concerned that your father is dictating what should happen, yet he is not being honest with you about where he lives.
I raised my 3 children as a single parent but do not expect them to house, entertain or finance me.
If your father can be a good grandparent then he can be a respectful father. He is choosing who he is kind & respectful too (your children) whilst being unkind, manipulative & dictational to you.
Your own emotional wellbeing is just as important as your father's.
My mum can be unkind and rude to me. Now my children are adults they see & question this behaviour as it's not ok.
You are in a difficult situation but you should not be bullied into making a decision that is not good for you, your hubby & your children.
I wish you well OP.

Edit to add - he may not actually obtain a visa if he hasn't been present in the UK and almost certainly if he doesn't have enough savings or impetus to return home. I've heard of people refused for much less

NRTFT

"He believes that the patriarchy is a good model and in his culture families live in multigenerational households quite commonly."

This stood out to me

It sounds to me like he'd descend on you and TELL you he's staying. End of. Then you're left with a very unwelcome house intruder.

I think, given all the potential difficulties of him visiting you ( ie not going home again and expecting you to care for him indefinitely) you would have more control of the situation if you visited him. You could stay at a hotel/airbnb, decide the lenght of the visit and withdraw if it all became too much.

There is a very high chance that he will not leave once he gets in the door and if you already know you couldn’t put him on the street you’ll be stuck with him.

can you cope with that possibility? You don’t have to have a relationship with him out of guilt over the past and plenty of kids either don’t have a relationship with grandparents or lose it when they are young so you can let go of guilt on their behalf too.

I know right? Such a toxic attitude to think that parents are owed a single thing by their kids. Most people do feel thankful and grateful to their parents, at least if they have had a positive experience. But it’s by no means a given. Children don’t ask to be born. It’s entirely of the parents own making.

Like others have suggested I’d be worried that a 2 month stay, or any stay for that matter, would result in him never leaving. He sounds toxic. Just because he brought you up doesn’t mean he has a free pass to do and say what he likes and emotionally abuse you.
If you do agree to him staying, I wouldn’t allow it for anymore than maybe ten days and I’d want to have proof of his return plans (eg plane ticket home). It doesn’t matter if he thinks there should be no boundaries. He’s wrong. I have a good relationship with my parents and couldn’t tolerate them staying with us for more than a few days!

That phrase 'cannot get a proper read on it' is so helpful to me! Sorry no advice just thanks at this point.

To sum it up boundaries aren't punishment. By setting them, you take control over how you want to be treated and what you will allow in your life. You deserve to have healthy relationships, and setting boundaries is a large part of this.

Children do not ask to be born - it is ''done'' to them by their parents who thereby have the responsibility to raise them as best as possible - it is what parents OWE their children not the other way round - got it?

Just after seeing your update - I'd call that a result.

I do hope he feels better soon but under no circumstances is it your responsibility to house him while he visits or to pay for flights/insurance/accommodation.

Why do you think it's your job to host him? I know he's your Dad but if you have concerns that after 8 weeks he won't leave, why do you think that's unlikely to happen if he only stays for 3 weeks?

He can stay in a hotel or Bed & Breakfast and visit you during the day. If he has to cover the cost of the visit, it is very likely that it will be a fleeting visit. Otherwise, it's very very likely that he will stay longer than you want.

Well there's your answer. Tell your dad your husband doesn't want him there that long. Or get your husband to tell him.

Is it really out of the question for you to visit him? If not set strict boundaries and tell him he can come for a few days only.

No advice but currently going thru a very similar situation. Narcissistic /schizophrenic mum who refuses to get MH help, pushes my boundaries and thinks i need to have an open door policy for her. You are not alone. Hoping it gets better for us.