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Original poster

To argue with friend

85 replies

citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 12:55

I would just like some advice before I say something to a good friend of mine. I feel I need to do but its how to say it.

She tends to avoid going into the city centre at weekends, especially close to Christmas as she says its too manic for her.

She messaged me yesterday to say she's meeting another friend, whom she doesn't see much, in town this Sunday. I replied to say its unusual for her and put a smiley face so as not to make it look like a critical remark. She came back with the comment that this friend works full time as is mega busy during the week so she doesn't mind as its a one off. My friend doesn't work now by the way.

The reason I am annoyed by this is that I met her in the city centre one day last summer on a Sunday when it wasn't too busy and she tried to steer me somewhere else. When I told her that I had been busy all week at work (I too work full time in a satisfying but demanding job) and preferred to stay in town she shrugged this off, was critical and told me I 'only sit down' at work and shouldn't be tired. I told her I didn't agree with this and didn't just take it.

I don't know how to respond to her now. I have let her see that I have noticed that she's being hyproctical so should I just leave it and wait till next time she refuses to be in town with me or do I remind her of the incident in the summer?

I don't want to argue with her but I won't be a punch bag either. She also made a sarcastic comment about going out for meals being my favourite pastime. This is something else she always comments on as she prefers to stay at home and cook, whereas I don't.

OP posts:
Accidentallyrude · 12/12/2024 19:17

make it clear that I have clocked the fact that she's not regarding my job as important

You are making far too big a deal of this. You don't need to school her or give her adjusting feedback about how to be a friend. As the poster above said, see what she's willing to do for you as a friend and accept that if you would like to, or just distance yourself. Who knows why she's meeting the other dude. She could be having a secret affair with him. Whatever.

The real issue seems to be that she is making little snarky jibes about things, I would wait for the next one of those and bring that up at the time.

Pugsaregreat · 12/12/2024 19:07

citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 18:28

Its only an issue when she refuses to meet me in town but will do with someone else because they are busy and have this busy job, when I do also but she refuses to acknowledge this with me.

Show quote history

mmm this feels uncomfortable to me. Basically you’re pressurising her into doing something uncomfortable for her and justifying that she does it for someone else?
But it sounds like after the convo you both had last summer, she did stay in town with you right?
As a friend, don’t you want to just find somewhere that suits you both, rather than being uncomfortable for her?
Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable telling the other friend her limits, maybe there is a reason she’s meeting her urgently and there or maybe she has more capacity at the moment
none of it means she doesn’t appreciate how hard you work. The comment about sitting down all day may have been made in awkwardness. It sounds thoughtless response/excuse but not malicious.

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 19:06

OAPapparently · 12/12/2024 18:51

Anxiety disorders can manifest like your friend. You can have good periods and bad periods of time with it. She sounds anxious. Not everyone share their mental health struggles. I would assume she has an anxiety disorder and say nothing.

I have anxiety too, my friend knows this.

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 12/12/2024 18:55

citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 18:34

Thank you for you replies. For those who say I am criticising her and thinking she shouldn't meet someone else, this is not the case. The thing is that she is undermining me and is critical of my job, ignoring the fact that I work full time and am busy but acknowledging this with others.

Those of you are saying she's not really a friend and I need to move on, I do agree to an extent but I don't really want to end the friendship. I think to be less available is the way to go, say how I feel about her recent text and make it clear that I have clocked the fact that she's not regarding my job as important and then let it go and see what happens and if we do meet again in town and she tries to rearrange it, then remind of her recent text but not bring it up about the summer.

By the way this and the summer incident isn't a one off, she has been on the awkward side with me for a while, not in a nasty way but in a subtle 'its my way or the high way' kind of way.

I honestly don’t see the point of doing all that. Essentially, she’s willing to do stuff with other people that she’s not willing to do with you. This is her right.

You can be upset about it, but it’s not going to change the fact that she doesn’t think you/your job merit the accommodations she’s making for her other friend. Complaining also won’t change this. It’ll just make things awkward.

So, you can either accept the friendship terms she’s offering or you end the friendship. Those are your options.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 12/12/2024 18:52

citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 18:37

I am not controlling! If you read my post you will see that she has wanted all her own way. Yes she can do what she wants, no one is disputing that, but to ignore the fact that I work full time and am busy and to tell me my job is only 'sitting down' which is not the case, when she no longer works is plain rude and disrespectul.

Read my full post because you accuse me of being controlling and jealous.

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I've read them all word for word.

And I stand by what I said.

Also, so what if she thinks you have an easy job? That's easy enough to set straight and then move on.

OAPapparently · 12/12/2024 18:51

Anxiety disorders can manifest like your friend. You can have good periods and bad periods of time with it. She sounds anxious. Not everyone share their mental health struggles. I would assume she has an anxiety disorder and say nothing.

ObtuseMoose · 12/12/2024 18:47

How are you being a punch bag?

itsmylife7 · 12/12/2024 18:45

she's respecting the other friends job/time and yours is just "no big thing "

pictoosh · 12/12/2024 18:44

To add, don't say anything to your friend. You will seem a bit scary. If a friend of mine approached me to complain about this, I would be very taken aback and feel cornered. Not good.

pictoosh · 12/12/2024 18:39

I think you're a bit full on tbh. She doesn't have to be 'fair' - she can change her mind according to the circumstances any time she likes. It doesn't have to be with your approval.
You're whinging about a meet up you had with her ages ago and expecting her to never go into town again because it isn't fair?
She's not obligated to you.
Pull yourself together.

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 18:37

MuddyPawsIndoors · 12/12/2024 18:34

Christ, rather then a friend you sound like a controlling husband with jealousy issues 😳

Leave the poor woman alone, she's allowed to do what she wants, even if it is different to what she wanted last bloody Summer!

I am not controlling! If you read my post you will see that she has wanted all her own way. Yes she can do what she wants, no one is disputing that, but to ignore the fact that I work full time and am busy and to tell me my job is only 'sitting down' which is not the case, when she no longer works is plain rude and disrespectul.

Read my full post because you accuse me of being controlling and jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 18:34

Thank you for you replies. For those who say I am criticising her and thinking she shouldn't meet someone else, this is not the case. The thing is that she is undermining me and is critical of my job, ignoring the fact that I work full time and am busy but acknowledging this with others.

Those of you are saying she's not really a friend and I need to move on, I do agree to an extent but I don't really want to end the friendship. I think to be less available is the way to go, say how I feel about her recent text and make it clear that I have clocked the fact that she's not regarding my job as important and then let it go and see what happens and if we do meet again in town and she tries to rearrange it, then remind of her recent text but not bring it up about the summer.

By the way this and the summer incident isn't a one off, she has been on the awkward side with me for a while, not in a nasty way but in a subtle 'its my way or the high way' kind of way.

OP posts:
MuddyPawsIndoors · 12/12/2024 18:34

Christ, rather then a friend you sound like a controlling husband with jealousy issues 😳

Leave the poor woman alone, she's allowed to do what she wants, even if it is different to what she wanted last bloody Summer!

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 18:30

ExtraOnions · 12/12/2024 12:58

Why would you say anything ?

She doesn’t need your approval, your permission, your criticism, your comments or your critique.

If you don’t like it, move on.

I don't need her approval and I am not critising her for what she does, I am saying that she thinks she can refuse to do things with me and criticise my job whereas she values other people's jobs and is prepared to work around them.

OP posts:
Original poster
citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 18:28

mumtotwo11 · 12/12/2024 13:53

Is not meeting her in town really an issue?

If you value the friendship, I'd not say anything. If not, say something, but I don't think the friendship will be the same and probably fizzle out anyway.

Its only an issue when she refuses to meet me in town but will do with someone else because they are busy and have this busy job, when I do also but she refuses to acknowledge this with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 18:26

Idontjetwashthefucker · 12/12/2024 13:37

Agreed. She's allowed to do things with other people

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Yes she is allowed to do things with other people, that's not the issue as I do things with other people myself but I am fair. I wouldn't refuse to something with one friend when I do it with others when there's no reason to be awkward.

OP posts:
carolledout · 12/12/2024 14:22

I don't know - I do find that long term friendships you get these little spats, like in any LTR things build up. Do you have something you like doing together? If so, do more of that.

My entire family struggle to recall I work full time - because they don't - I've worked full time for years and years. But they're generally a decent bunch :)

The research says all of us get less tolerant as we age - loneliness is bad for you, and not sweating the small stuff is good for you.

Oodydoody · 12/12/2024 14:15

CatsndtheBear · 12/12/2024 12:58

She doesn't take your job seriously. She doesn't put herself out for you when she does for others. She makes sarcastic and diminishing remarks.

She isn't your friend.

This.
I wouldn't dream of saying anything, I would simply suit myself, see less of her and put her straight the next time she tries to have a dig at you, by gently correcting her and asking her is she ok.

She has an issue with you, so be a lot less available.
I certainly would rethink the friendship.

mumtotwo11 · 12/12/2024 13:53

Is not meeting her in town really an issue?

If you value the friendship, I'd not say anything. If not, say something, but I don't think the friendship will be the same and probably fizzle out anyway.

loropianalover · 12/12/2024 13:48

Doesn’t sound like either of you want to be friends with each other!

It’s ok to let things fizzle out.

Thunderpants88 · 12/12/2024 13:47

Just respond with a thumbs up emoji and dump her as a “friend”

Doliveira · 12/12/2024 13:45

She’s not entirely consistent and more introvert than you. If you like and value her, accept this with a loving attitude - she’s a friend.

do you want one less friend?

skippy67 · 12/12/2024 13:42

ExtraOnions · 12/12/2024 12:58

Why would you say anything ?

She doesn’t need your approval, your permission, your criticism, your comments or your critique.

If you don’t like it, move on.

This.

RubyRedBow · 12/12/2024 13:40

Nothing needs to be said.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 12/12/2024 13:37

ExhibitionOfYourself · 12/12/2024 13:10

This. No further action needed.

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Agreed. She's allowed to do things with other people

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