To argue with friend

I have a friend who suffers with bad anxiety. She has had times where she is fine to meet up to go shopping in busy places and other times that would be impossible. She has to put herself out of her comfort zone with work things quite a lot so sometimes when she sees friends she just wants something chilled and not stressful.

Being a friend to someone with anxiety is supporting them and not nitpicking about their ability to do things. I would be really pleased that she is able to do something that was hard for her in summer.

With my friend I give her options, I would offer to meet at somewhere that would be easy for her, like a quiet cafe/farm shop type place with lots of parking, or say if you wanted to go shopping we could go into town. Then it gives her an easier option without feeling awkward.

Theres a lot of harsh comments here. My view is that she’s being accommodating for this person as she doesn’t see her that often so working around her.
Her preference is to not go in town but if she has to, she will do it.

As a long standing friend she probably thinks you’ll be more accommodating and understand her better. Now if you are incompatible and don’t want to make compromises that’s fair enough.

I met a friend in a city further away where I had to pay a fair bit to go there but I haven’t seen this person for ages and she’s a good friend of mine. Some of my local friends I would never go that far to meet them.

Its called doing what you can to maintain the friendship.

I wouldn’t respond or keep it going now it will just seem petty. What I would do is next time you meet up let her pick the location and say that you should probably alternate picking the location (which is fair) and she can go first xx

You asked if you should respond or leave it. Lots of people are saying leave it and you are telling them they are wrong etc. why ask the question if you don't listen to the answers?

Maybe in the new year if you want to meet up and it's easier to suggest town then suggest that. If she says no how about this pub out of town then if it's more difficult to go there say no I'm knackered after work so it's too far to go there.
Usually it's harder work going into town than outside town though so I would have thought it would be easier for both of you to meet up at for example a local coffee shop or one of your houses rather than the faff of traffic and parking in the town centre. Where I live going into the town centre is an ordeal if you are driving so if I have to go I use the park and ride in the day or an Uber in the evening. So I would still meet people in town but would try and make it easier for myself by choosing public transport.

If town is easier for you then suggest it. If she wants to go somewhere else then just say no that's too stressful/ tiring etc and don't go.

From your updates it sounds like the friendship is going through a bumpy patch.

You can either have your say, which will most likely finish it off completely or you can hold your tongue but back off, and see where you are in a few months.

It's not unreasonable for your friend to make concessions for others, but I get that you feel you are equally deserving of the same concession. Ultimately, though, its up to her.

I think @Arlanymor is right. If you’d had an open and direct conversation six months ago you wouldn’t be in the position you’re in now. You would have either resolved the problem together or the friendship would have ended. But at this stage it does seem to be in the crapper.

Going forward if you aren’t able to be honest in a friendship you’re always going to run into these communication problems

She doesnt need to justify why shes meeting her friend or where

I would just drop her.

When a friendship reaches this level of petty feelings it's time to call it a day/

OP, you’ve posted in pretty much exactly the same terms about this woman before (she’s the widow who doesn’t like going out in the dark, or going out after 4pm), so I don’t see why you expect new advice. You’ve also complained about other ‘flaky’ friends, and about some falling out over an air fryer and a misspent text message.

The common denominator here is you. You sound like a difficult person continually on the lookout for minor slights, and nursing resentment, and posting about it on the internet to stoke your anger rather than communicating with the actual people involved. .

Bluntly, so what if your friend didn’t do something in the summer with you that she is willing to do with another friend? Most people would barely give this a second thought, far less post about it more than once on the internet.

Like I said, if you want to keep the friendship, you need to get over it.

If it is bugging you, and you don't mind the possibility of loosing the friendship, ending or definitely changing, then send her a heartfelt message about how you feel. Not in a mean way, Just explain how what she's said and how she's acted has made you feel. That you love her friendship but need to feel you are as valuable to her as other friends of hers.

If this has been the final straw and you can't forgive then just phase her out.

Perhaps her other friend has a busier role than yours and she values that more than your role. That’s ok too.

No, it’s really not ok for a friend to discriminate against one friend because she believes her job is less valuable.

How could even think that would be ok?

Very good points.

I suspect that the other friend is even more "my way or the highway" than your friend who capitulates to her. This is quite a common dynamic where the more people pleasing friend gives in to the bossier friend. In your dynamic she is the bossy one. In the other dynamic the other friend is the bossy one.

I think what is niggling is that perhaps she values the other friend more than you and won't risk the friendship by pushing her preferences. There may be some truth in that; some people have higher social currency than others as I've discovered :(

Oh God she’s one of those! My mum is like this, thinks that my brother’s very part time manual job is massively harder than my full time office job and so she treats him like a prince and me like her dogsbody.

I think you just need to be firmer with friend.

Take it in turns in choosing where you meet. When it’s your turn, say you can only meet in town. If she objects, say let’s take a rain check. Don’t give in like you did last time.

When you say she prefers home meals, who does she expect to do the cooking?

I wouldn’t like a ‘friend’ like you. This is very immature behaviour, you’re like a playground infant. People can be inconsistent. That’s ok. Nothing is the same in time and place over any period. Perhaps her other friend has a busier role than yours and she values that more than your role. That’s ok too. If you’re not getting anything out the friendship, no laughs/shared fun times. Then leave it. But don’t compare your friendship with her with that of another. There are differences in friendships and that’s ok, we can be friends with everyone and do things differently.

She sounds like her anxiety’s a bit more flexible when it suits her… Next time she wants to meet up, only be available when and where it suits you. See how flexible she is.

Your friend may have social anxiety. Sometimes you feel a bit braver about situations and are more likely to try something different.

You sound like hard work. Youve also left loads of detail out - is this other friend eg from ages away so city centre much easier for her? Is the other friend much closer or she hasn't seen her in ages? How do you know your friend isn't inwardly annoyed at meeting in town?

Punchbag? This is all very OTT. Also a smiley face makes your message to her way more pointed and passive aggressive. Too much drama for me - if I were the friend I'd be out.

Her other relationships and friendships have nothing at all to do with you or yours.

Perhaps she feels more steamrolled by the other friend, maybe other friend doesn't drive so it needs to be public transport accessible, who knows and who cares - it's nothing to do with you.

If you don't like seeing her or can't have conversations about where to meet without finding something you are happy with then let the friendship go. If you'd be happy to stick with the old dynamic, had you not seen this post, then step away from social media - it's not making you happy.

I think you’ve posted about this friend before, is she a widow?

Agree with this