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Original poster

Christmas present for racist relative or not?

139 replies

Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2024 22:03

I’m in a bit of a quandary.

We have a WhatsApp group with DH’s wider family. Most are lovely - we’ve been together 20 years so I’m not a newbie.

I am mixed black/white but look European (people often think I’m Greek or Spanish) but DH’s family are all aware of my heritage.

A while back one of DH’s relatives made a racist post in the group. I challenged her, we had a fairly spicy exchange and I told her how much less of her I thought and left the group.

Several family members messaged me in support, and she herself messaged me to apologise.

I’m not looking to cause rifts - I can look after myself and will challenge any unpleasantness as required - so accepted her apology and moved past it. She’s shown her true colours and now I am wary but I don’t have to see her so can avoid conflict. I was added back to the group and I have not posted there since but all seems fine.

The dilemma: she gives my two boys money in their savings every month - it’s totalled around £10,000 over the years. I always buy a Christmas gift for her from the boys but I don’t want to - I feel quite hurt that her true opinion about me and people like me has been revealed.

DH and I wanted to return all the money (it’s untouched) but DH’s dad asked us not to - he said it would create a massive rift.

I feel like a hypocrite keeping her money and continuing to receive it but it’s DH’s family and I’ve ceded the decision to him.

TLDR: do I have to buy the racist a gift from my kids given I take her money.

YABU - buy her a present
YANBU - don’t buy her a present

OP posts:
sprigatito · 11/12/2024 22:21

Definitely let your DH field it. It's his relative anyway. The money makes it uncomfortable, I see that, but I don't think I could bring myself to buy a nice gift for someone I knew was a racist.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2024 22:20

@MiddleClassProblem

To be fair she did apologise (and fairly fulsomely) and thanked me for accepting her apology.

I just can’t help but see her differently. Normally I would just move along and not have anything to do with her but that’s obviously not possible here.

OP posts:
cobden28 · 11/12/2024 22:20

It's your husband's relative that made the offensive remark so it's up to him to sort the problem out. Make it crystal clear that it's up to him and him alone to choosse and buy a Christmas presentfor this offending relative , and that you want nothing to do with the choosing and buying of said present.

Don't return the money she's given your sons over the years as to do so would cause unnecessary offence; put it in the bank and give to your sons when they reach 18.

Calliopespa · 11/12/2024 22:19

iwantavuvezela · 11/12/2024 22:12

How about a book - something like Renni Eddo Lodge's book which explores racism - or something more recent . The Penguin book list is quite good.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/30/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race

https://antiracistcumbria.org/anti-racist-reading-list/

https://www.penguin.co.uk/articles/2020/05/racism-black-lives-matter-antiracist-reading-list-books

Oh don’t do this. Better to give nothing.

Hayley1256 · 11/12/2024 22:19

Hopefully she's learned from her past behaviour. You've accepted her apology and moved on (rightly so with your guard up). I would buy her a gift from the boys for the sake of harmony and not because of the money she gives them.

SaagAloopa · 11/12/2024 22:18

Let DH sort it using some of the money - just like £20 from the tainted money she gave your kids

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2024 22:17

hazelnutvanillalatte · 11/12/2024 22:14

What did she say?

It was to do with the riots a while back - talk of swarms, don’t recognise my country etc. The usual.

She lives in about as white a part of Surrey you could get.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 11/12/2024 22:17

This is such a difficult one. Has she said anything since? Was her apology acknowledging her ignorance or more a sorry I upset you but..?

Without knowing the level of what she said, I think I would be able to buy the gift but it would probably just be generic and more from DH than me and just a take the high road but also pretty checked out gesture. I can be polite but guarded sort of thing. In a poc too with racist PIL, more othering conversations and casually using offensive terms due to ignorance than anything vehement, so I feel you. If the level was severe though I don’t know if I just wouldn’t see this person anymore/avoid her in group settings and I wouldn’t want my children around her. But again DH can take a gift because I can detach from that. It’s just a thing. And if she’s never going to change then it’s more about who else is affected if you are already detached if that makes sense? I might be waffling now but you are in no way wrong if you didn’t give anything and totally understand the money feels tainted and wrong now.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2024 22:15

goingdownfighting · 11/12/2024 22:14

And let your DH deal with it all.

I think this is the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2024 22:15

iwantavuvezela · 11/12/2024 22:12

How about a book - something like Renni Eddo Lodge's book which explores racism - or something more recent . The Penguin book list is quite good.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/30/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race

https://antiracistcumbria.org/anti-racist-reading-list/

https://www.penguin.co.uk/articles/2020/05/racism-black-lives-matter-antiracist-reading-list-books

Crikey! I’m a brave woman but this might be beyond me… 😱🤣

OP posts:
goingdownfighting · 11/12/2024 22:14

And let your DH deal with it all.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 11/12/2024 22:14

What did she say?

goingdownfighting · 11/12/2024 22:13

Don't buy her a present.

The gift is to your sons not you.

Perhaps let them choose a little something bland and sign the tag from them. They can make their own decision about the money when they're older.