Christmas present for racist relative or not?

People can have conflicting views. And their views can change over time.

From what you’ve said, her remarks sound pretty similar to (perhaps even milder than) those by Suella Braverman (herself a brown woman, presumably in favour of her own parents’ migration to the UK.)

I don’t think it’s ever possible to say that one remark, at one moment in their life, can show us who someone “really is.” She has to been very generous to your non-white children….

Labelling someone as inherently racist seems both wrong and unproductive. If we don’t engage with people who have different concerns from us, or express themselves using language we don’t like, how do we ever hope to effect change in the world?

More prosaically, leave it to your husband to sort the present.

It kind of depends on the nature of the apology really. Occasionally someone actually learns something. I certainly have learned a lot more about rascism and the experience of people experiencing racism over the years. Not that I have ever said anything overtly rascist, but I sure as hell have had my eyes more opened today than say 20 years ago. For example I used to believe that xenophobia that I experienced as a white person of a certain origin was similar to rascism. I realise now it's not at all the same.

So it's possible for people to learn. If you think this relative has capacity to learn. Is truly sorry and is prepared to educate themselves then I'd get DH to buy the present from the boys. If you think she's just apologised to keep the peace then I think that's an entirely different situation and it means she's still thinking all those things and I'd struggle to engage.

It's hard when someone has shown you who they really are to move past it.

So you're still accepting money from her? That would suggest you have accepted her apology, so yes buy a present (well your dh anyway).

Or - stop accepting the money.

I don’t think I could make peace with accepting the dirty money, even for the sake of avoiding a family rift. So maybe a card saying “Dear Grandma, for Christmas we have decided to give the money you’ve sent us over the years to Stop Hate U.K. Thank you and Merry Christmas!”

I don’t understand your comment.

Why does this thinking not surprise anyone on here

Why? The money is for the children. As a PP said, unpleasant people should be relieved from their money!

Why should the children suffer the double blow of having a racist aunt AND losing their money?

We’ve found the relative! 😄

OP, I have been in a similar situation with my in laws and I am now at the point where I smile and nod at them and remain civil but that’s as much as they will get from me. I leave everything in law related when it comes to big events and occasions to my DH. My in laws have lost my respect, trust and overall care for their wellbeing and I feel relieved I don’t have to make myself like them anymore. It is rare that a person that holds that kind of opinion ever changes so it’s like that saying so beloved on MN - once a person shows who they are, believe them. We can’t quite shut that door on them, but we don’t have to let them in and sully our lives.

That money is for the children.

I think you've done the right thing by calling her out in forum she deserved. She gave an appropriate (from what you've said) apology and you've been very gracious in accepting the apology.

I think I would be inclined to see the matter as dealt with and I would try to move on and continue as you normally would but if she ever crossed the same line again then there would be no coming back from that for me.

It's not your responsibility to educate her or put yourself in any situation which could be detrimental to you, but I do believe that people like that need to be called out and not to be left to exist in an echo chamber where they can become more and more extreme and misinformed.

I'd get your dh to take your kids shopping and get them to pick something for her and I'd accept her present in good faith. If she repeats her racist behaviour then I'd just cut all contact with her and have nothing to do with her. I wouldn't do your sons out of money she's given them to date though - to me it's their money to do with what they please as they get older.

I think often we're expected to forgive and we say we forgive but we don't actually forgive. And part of me really thinks thats OK too.
I doubt this will be the only time you'l have to deal with this with her but at least for now theres peace.

Given that you accepted her apology I'm assuming she had some sort of explanation, not of the "obviously not YOU, you look nearly white! I meant THEM" variety but of the properly contrite variety?

You can't really cheerily accept her apology and accept her money but withdraw yourself and your children from her. DH can buy her gifts, as dutiful nephew.

Present on behalf of the children. If one were to be making a point, something that means something to you that could educate her about your heritage or something you are proud of. I don't know your dynamics with your heritage though so don't want to overstep.

There are people who have disrespected me the past year (not racism but xenophobia) and I keep the peace for my children's sake who go to school in an eu country. In the sense when they say good morning, I sometimes say good morning back, or if in a bad mood I say "no thank you" in their language. Sometimes, unfairly so, it's better to keep the peace but literally mind your business. Am I mad? Yes. Do I hold a grudge? 100%. Did I tell them about themselves? You bet. Am I alienated and left to my own devices? 97% of the time. Do I bite my tongue? Until it bleeds. Why? For the sake of the kids.

All of that.

She apologised fulsomely, to everyone's astonishment. To me, that signifies that she had some understanding of why what she said was wrong.

She made that step, you forgave her. If that step that she made is going to lead anywhere positive, you need to accept it fully. If you or your husband retaliate in any way at this point, you will undo that progress that she made.

You apologised, she's generous to your sons. Let it go.

As above. Why are you questioning this if you accepted her apology and she thanked you for accepting her apology.
You say she has been in your life for 20 years and she loves your sons, also gifting them quite a substantial sum for their future. She made a mistake, cam you not move on?

She apologised, you accepted it, move on. Why should your kids lose £10k because you’re hanging onto resentment - she’s apologised? Get over yourself, do the bare minimum gift and forget about it,

How about a lovely box of English Tea?

DH and I wanted to return all the money (it’s untouched) but DH’s dad asked us not to - he said it would create a massive rift.

I feel like a hypocrite keeping her money and continuing to receive it but it’s DH’s family and I’ve ceded the decision to him.

He's already made the decision, you said he wants to return the money?

You'd both be massive hypocrites if you kept it.

It has fuck all to do with his dad but if he's willing to use his dad as an excuse to keep it, I'd have trouble looking your DH in the eye ever again.

But money talks it would seem 🤷‍♀️

She wanted to return the money, DH and family want to the sons to keep it. Not because of the sons but because it will cause a family rift. Hardly OP’s fault

I'm not so sure about that. I'm all for relieving unpleasant people of their money.

Christmas is supposed to be about charity and goodwill . Maybe you could be the bigger person and accept her apology ?