Christmas present for racist relative or not?

"Get over yourself "????

How utterly rude. Racism is repugnant. It's not something one just moves on from.

I'm impressed with your self-control, OP.

No gift. Let the kids make her a card.

I don't think I could keep the money regardless of what PIL want. The rift wouldn't be of your making, but hers.

Few people are knowingly, intentionally or hatefully racist/sexist/homophobic but many have unconsciously absorbed attitudes that they are quick to shed when alerted to them, especially if they are older, less educated or worldly wise.

This is very naive. In my experience alerting someone that they've said or done something bigoted just leads to defensiveness, caveats along the lines of "oh but you're different" and tirades about "wokeness" and "you can't say anything any more" (damn straight you can't say anything bigoted around me).

Ffs.

Why? It’s for the children and the aunt obviously wants to gift them otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it. As I said, the children have to put up with a racist aunt as it is, why should they also forgo their gifts?

She can’t be that racist if she’s giving your mixed race kids tonnes of money. Actions speak louder than words

Most old people make offhand remarks about this people that people whatever.

The thing is, to them, younger people act all too similar to the military police by reporting them for the wrong speech..

She made a racist comment and apologised. It doesn’t mean she is a raving racist; it may simply mean she is a flawed human being who has hopefully learned from the experience you describe and is working on her unconscious biases. She clearly loves your children and if she were truly racist she wouldn’t be so generous with her money. She hasn’t ‘shown her true colours’ as it was a one off comment, probably thoughtless and coming form a place of ignorance, not an escalation of racially motivated bad behaviour (as far as I can see from your post). The fact that you are holding the one incident against her indicates that you have NOT actually moved past it at all - so maybe you need to have a coffee and chat and explain that it still smarts?

I’d leave the money she has provided your children alone - it’s not actually yours to return - and if they go to college or need a deposit for a flat one day, it will be there for them. And, yes, I’d buy her a token gift. in your shoes, I’d model taking the higher ground.

I am from a multi-faith, mixed race family, so do understand being on the receiving end of thoughtless, ‘racist’ comments - but I also see/hear people making similarly thoughtless misogynistic or homophobic comments, usually to garner a laugh, and find people tend to sit up and apologise when you gently highlight what they’ve done/said. I’ve also seen an aunt (by marriage) mourn for her father after he was stabbed and died after a racially motivated attack by white youths, so feel proportionality is important. It was a one-off comment for which she apologised. Few people are knowingly, intentionally or hatefully racist/sexist/homophobic but many have unconsciously absorbed attitudes that they are quick to shed when alerted to them, especially if they are older, less educated or worldly wise.

She doesn’t need to be your bff.
It’s just a Christmas present.
probably best to let husband deal with it.

I understand where you’re coming from and PPs saying you need to move along, don’t know why you won’t accept the apology etc ( and the phrase ‘faux pas’ as if that’s all she’s done - a minor transgression of politeness!??) clearly have very little understanding of intergenerational trauma and what attitudes like hers trigger in a person.

I totally get your quandary. I think whatever you do, think of how you will explain it to your boys because they (and you) are the important people here. So ‘I gave the money back and stopped buying her gifts in our family we have no tolerance for that kind of racist bullshit’ would sound fine to me. It’s your life, your family though and I get that it would cause rifts so I can see why you’re asking because things are never easy in real life.

What is there to end? Who is being punished? This isn't a huge drama and doesn't require a grand reconciliation. Encountering racism is a very common experience for POC and while accepting the apology and being civil is sometimes necessary, a racist person is simply never going to be someone I will feel comfortable around or want to get close to. That does not constitute punishing them.

My take the high road as a POC is not really about forgiving, it’s just about accepting situation but also not giving her an inch to make you the bad person here. You can absolutely hold her accountable and encourage her daughter and other family members who saw it to too. But don’t give her any other areas to make her self a victim. This happens all the time over the smallest things.

Hopefully she’s not someone you or the kids have to see often.

So even when the person has profusely apologised - there is no forgiveness and the punishment is eternal despite over 10k worth of goodwill.

If this is the case is there anything that could actually end this?

I get you OP, you've accepted her apology and she most likely meant it but it leaves a mark. It's not the same as a tipsy row about Trivial Pursuit.

The money is a pain, doesn't sound like you need it, you sure as anything don't want it but don't want to cause a rift. Sit on this and decide what to do.

Did your husband support you as much as you would have liked on this? Feels like he should be writing to MN now , not you.

I would personally go for one of the gifts suggested. She may appreciate it if she's slipped into lazy , offensive views that aren't in step with the times or even her surroundings. I would see accepting her apology in a heartfelt fashion, as opposed to a keeping the peace fashion (both valid) as more of a work in progress. Maybe the thematic gIfts can be a part of that. The family part of it was genuine, the personal bit will take longer.

I agree with the general sentiment of this post op.

Your relative has put a foot wrong. You rightly pulled her up on it. She then took the only reasonable step available to her at that point, namely to apologise, which you accepted. She couldn’t actually unsay it - even if she really regretted it. It would seem highly unlikely she doesn’t think well of you as an individual given her fondness for your Dc and her ( for her!) unprecedented gesture of apologising. Perhaps this is a juncture at which she has learned something sbout her views. My views evolve all the time.

So she’s been pulled up and she’s accepted she was wrong. At the moment you’ve behaved with dignity. If the story ever comes out ( as these things tend to do in families) your Dc will be proud of how you handled it. Moral high ground gets a battering on here, but you are currently occupying it, and over the years I’ve learned that, despite all the “is it windy up there?” jibes, it’s the preferable place to be. You didn’t just let it go u addressed: you have spoken out - and you obviously managed to do do in such a way that she felt the need to apologise. Don’t now drag it out and turn what is currently a clear cut situation into a mess.

I’m sorry in this instance you can’t walk away as I understand that’s the easier to do.

And you were happy enough to accept her money over the years.

What about a donation in her name or some form of sponsorship of an orphan/children in need? Basically anything charitable that you won't feel is wasted on her. And I think it could subtly get across the message that she might wanna think about her ethics a bit, too...

Oh don't be dramatic. You can accept an apology for the sake of being civil and keeping the peace but you don't need to forget what that person did. It's actually incredibly important for POC not to forgot racist incidents - it's a form of self-protection, a reminder that we should still be wary around certain people.

If a man made a rape joke and apologised, I think many posters here might accept that to smooth things over but they would also be a bit more mindful not to be alone with that man again.

I also think @Merryoldgoat doesn't need to do a single thing in this scenario. If the racist relative wants to keep the money rolling in, that's on her. It doesn't need to be reciprocated.

I see this kind of finger-wagging "be the bigger person" stuff directed at POC all the time (funnily enough no one ever tells the racists anything like this).

My idea of effecting change isn't actually focused on the perpetrators of racism at this kind of low level. I'm focused on protecting and uplifting the victims of racism. On enabling POC to live as unhindered by racism as possible (which, granted, is not much in 2024 Britain). This means I'll direct my energy into nurturing a strong anti-racist community, speaking out against racism and doing what I can to effect change at a structural level such as company policies. My focus is on making the material conditions for POC better.

I'm not going to direct my physical or emotional energy into trying to change racist people's minds. It's a waste of time and it's exhausting. After 40 years in the UK I'm very familiar with racists and if they're not open to getting it, they won't get it. I don't, in all honesty, give a shit about them. I cut them out of my life and move on to more important things.

(This is pretty much the thinking outlined in Reni Eddo-Lodge's Why I'm No Longer Talking To White People About Race, so I highly recommend you read that.)

Make your mind up - either you have accepted her apology or not!
OP, holding onto a grudge after potentially getting your DH family member to apologise (fulsomely and astonishingly), and publicly accepting the apology, is quite hypocritical.
Either she was genuinely sorry, or not.
If you think she wasn’t, admit you haven’t accepted the apology.
If you think she was, and you really accepted the apology, move on and put it behind you, but don’t say one thing and do the opposite…

Having been part of my in law’s family for 25 plus years of which many were spent trying to ‘effect change’ I can honestly say it was a complete waste of time because they refused to stop staying racist things. I don’t feel in my case it’s wrong to label them as inherently racist. In fact doing so has been most productive as it has led to me having much better peace of mind now that I don’t have to pretend to care about them!

Yes. But it’s massively hypocritical to keep accepting the money. Massively.

I agree. I think a lot of people on the thread don’t really understand the impacts of being on the receiving end of racism. It’s complete dehumanising, even if it’s a “lighthearted joke” in a family group chat. It’s not easy to just move on once you’ve realised someone is racist.