Christmas present for racist relative or not?

I agree with this.

Supposed racism? Do you think the OP has a problem with recognising racism when she hears it? Is this a problem you have?

I wouldn't be remotely bothered about children missing out on a relationship with a racist. (Nor would I be bothered about taking her money and not reciprocating.)

I don’t see the point of accepting an apology if you really aren’t going to let it go.

Sounds like she really cares about your children to save that much for them.

There was an opportunity to discuss the issue when she apologised but you didn’t.

I don’t think it’s healthy or fair to reverse an apology acceptance.

Your relative apologised and you accepted it.
You need to rise above letting this affect your relationship.
I agree with buying her a book about racism.
Seek counselling on how to move on if you are finding it hard..

An entirely valid viewpoint.

She made a racist comment and apologised. It doesn’t mean she is a raving racist; it may simply mean she is a flawed human being who has hopefully learned from the experience you describe and is working on her unconscious biases. She clearly loves your children and if she were truly racist she wouldn’t be so generous with her money. She hasn’t ‘shown her true colours’ as it was a one off comment, probably thoughtless and coming form a place of ignorance, not an escalation of racially motivated bad behaviour (as far as I can see from your post). The fact that you are holding the one incident against her indicates that you have NOT actually moved past it at all - so maybe you need to have a coffee and chat and explain that it still smarts?

I’d leave the money she has provided your children alone - it’s not actually yours to return - and if they go to college or need a deposit for a flat one day, it will be there for them. And, yes, I’d buy her a token gift. in your shoes, I’d model taking the higher ground.

I am from a multi-faith, mixed race family, so do understand being on the receiving end of thoughtless, ‘racist’ comments - but I also see/hear people making similarly thoughtless misogynistic or homophobic comments, usually to garner a laugh, and find people tend to sit up and apologise when you gently highlight what they’ve done/said. I’ve also seen an aunt (by marriage) mourn for her father after he was stabbed and died after a racially motivated attack by white youths, so feel proportionality is important. It was a one-off comment for which she apologised. Few people are knowingly, intentionally or hatefully racist/sexist/homophobic but many have unconsciously absorbed attitudes that they are quick to shed when alerted to them, especially if they are older, less educated or worldly wise.

We don't have the content of the supposed racism nor her side of the story. If you were that bothered surely you wouldn't take the money from a racist as you've labelled her. I'd be more worried about the children missing out, both on gifts and a relationship. You have to make your own mind up on this one.

I agree with the general sentiment of this post op.

Your relative has put a foot wrong. You rightly pulled her up on it. She then took the only reasonable step available to her at that point, namely to apologise, which you accepted. She couldn’t actually unsay it - even if she really regretted it. It would seem highly unlikely she doesn’t think well of you as an individual given her fondness for your Dc and her ( for her!) unprecedented gesture of apologising. Perhaps this is a juncture at which she has learned something sbout her views. My views evolve all the time.

So she’s been pulled up and she’s accepted she was wrong. At the moment you’ve behaved with dignity. If the story ever comes out ( as these things tend to do in families) your Dc will be proud of how you handled it. Moral high ground gets a battering on here, but you are currently occupying it, and over the years I’ve learned that, despite all the “is it windy up there?” jibes, it’s the preferable place to be. You didn’t just let it go u addressed: you have spoken out - and you obviously managed to do do in such a way that she felt the need to apologise. Don’t now drag it out and turn what is currently a clear cut situation into a mess.

I’m sorry in this instance you can’t walk away as I understand that’s the easier to do.

She apologised. You accepted.

Did you not really accept? Don't you believe her? Why haven't you moved on?

The money isn't yours to return. It belongs to your sons.

We don't have the content of the supposed racism nor her side of the story. If you were that bothered surely you wouldn't take the money from a racist as you've labelled her. I'd be more worried about the children missing out, both on gifts and a relationship. You have to make your own mind up on this one.

I’m in a bit of a quandary.

We have a WhatsApp group with DH’s wider family. Most are lovely - we’ve been together 20 years so I’m not a newbie.

I am mixed black/white but look European (people often think I’m Greek or Spanish) but DH’s family are all aware of my heritage.

A while back one of DH’s relatives made a racist post in the group. I challenged her, we had a fairly spicy exchange and I told her how much less of her I thought and left the group.

Several family members messaged me in support, and she herself messaged me to apologise.

I’m not looking to cause rifts - I can look after myself and will challenge any unpleasantness as required - so accepted her apology and moved past it. She’s shown her true colours and now I am wary but I don’t have to see her so can avoid conflict. I was added back to the group and I have not posted there since but all seems fine.

The dilemma: she gives my two boys money in their savings every month - it’s totalled around £10,000 over the years. I always buy a Christmas gift for her from the boys but I don’t want to - I feel quite hurt that her true opinion about me and people like me has been revealed.

DH and I wanted to return all the money (it’s untouched) but DH’s dad asked us not to - he said it would create a massive rift.

I feel like a hypocrite keeping her money and continuing to receive it but it’s DH’s family and I’ve ceded the decision to him.

TLDR: do I have to buy the racist a gift from my kids given I take her money.

YABU - buy her a present
YANBU - don’t buy her a present