To not really care if I wake up tomorrow

Mamabearsmile back at you.
I don't have friends as I've battled social anxiety all my life.
I've just worked and worked.
Now I'm battling my demons and venturing out while my health...physical and mental holds out.
Having seen both parents battle advanced cancer I appreciate the little things.😁

Absolutely this for me too. I am 41, Mum is mid-60s and although I have a DH and a big family, my Mum is the one person I can't imagine being in this world without. I absolutely the dread the day that is no longer the case.

Weirdly, I sometimes feel like the OP in that I have lived quite a varied life already and done a lot of things, so if I had to go I'd feel like I'd had a good innings and that would be that. I'm not totally sure what we're all living for other than connection to the people we love most.

We can’t live for others. That’s not life, it’s imprisonment

Without fail first post “maybe there is something wrong with you” 🙄

I so agree with your post. At 76 I've really not got the mental, physical or emotional energy to learn new 'stuff' or engage with new people just because it's what we are supposed to do at this stage in our lives. I am grateful that my health is ok, not brilliant but just effects of old age; I have a family and partner that love me when many people do not; a home with food on the table. Can't afford holidays or luxuries but I have books, TV, a terrace and our cat. Still feel that if I didn't wake up tomorrow it wouldn't be the end of the world. People close to me will inevitably grieve but life carries on.

I was thinking of the French word 'ennui' (which is tiredness and boredom combined to produce listlessness) but it's more like a soul ennui I think, although I'm sure having an ageing body doesn't help.

This might not be the case for some on here, but I have many older (up to 80's) women friends who have felt more than a bit frustrated and unfulfilled by their overall life, they put everyone else first, did husband, marriage, kids and grandkids and did get pleasure out of that, but then didn't get to spend the time developing themselves very much, and at 60 plus they can't be bothered to start, it seems too much effort.

That might not resonate for some but for others I think frustration turns to helplessness once the crisis of caring is over. It seems too late to go back into acting, or writing, or set up that charity, you don't have the energy to remake yourself somehow.

I think going very small (enjoying tiny moments) and going very big (I love Tana Mohr's book on this) are possible ways around this, but I also agree you shouldn't feel compelled to change how you feel if you feel you've lived enough. Unless you are going to stop living very soon, though, it can be long decades if this doesn't shift.

But it's great that you're done. You have had a great life and will leave a wonderful legacy. That's more than most get to do.

Maybe it's time to redefine what 'living' means to you? You probably feel a bit untethered now but it sounds like you have a lot to live for still.

You have achieved everything you want and have a lot of years left. That's exciting!

I think I hear you, OP.

I'm wealthy, healthy, have great DCs and a loving ex, do stuff and have friends and hobbies - and absolutely could not care if I never lived another day. Not depressed, not struggling with aging, not lacking in "meaning", just ready for it to end. Your OP really resonated.

From a biological perspective you're absolutely right. Your DNA is continuing in the world as you've fulfilled your genetic imperative and, were we salmon, your body would have rotted and fed your offspring as part of your life cycle. Unlike other mammals, humans are designed for our fertility to cease so we have no small children of our own when our older DC are fertile - so we have capacity to help them in raising their own babies - and then to die.

As a sentient being, we've been curious, mentally engaged in learning and discovering for 60 odd years. But what is there that's new, stimulating? Fuck all, in my case. I've read all the books, seen all the films, travelled all the places, blah blah. Yes I could "take up" new "hobbies" or "interests", but that would be to fill in time, a faux engagement where previously I had experienced deeply felt engagement. Possible, even pleasurable at the time, but not meaningful.

As a social being, I've had the friends - and still do, loads of them - all ages and flavours. and they bring me fun and some sense of connection and provide a mirror of some kind. But the vibrancy of meeting and making a new friend has gone. Another human? Same old stuff, just a marginally different wrapper.

As a spiritual being, I've spent years in counselling, self discovery, read all the stuff, practiced all the stuff, and it's as though I now know myself, and accept myself. There is more to find and do and think - but it's more of the same.

I wish that Narnia or any magical world was real, to experience something new, at 60 years old.

I think for many people, living life means accomplishing goals. Life a list full of projects. When the project is achieved, pride, contentment, fulfillment is reached and life is good.

Then gradually, it gets harder to find 'projects' that give the same buzz once achieved. They are either not so fulfilling, or they have already been done, or health limits us.

What I think needs to happen at this stage is to shift the mindset of a compliment and instead find pleasure and contentment in the present experience.

Take travelling. It's great to plan a special trip, discover new things, record the experience, show others etc... it's however possible to travel, and get real pleasure from it but simply observing people, enjoying the taste of the meal, being grateful for the warmth and sunlight. It's just a different to get the endorphins going.

Is this your first day on a message board?

Yes. Thank you. Agree.

I know this thread isn't about assisted dying but I always think those threads highlight how some people can't accept when someone else tells them that they are ready for their life to end. They have to pathologize it or blame it on some other factors (economic, social, political) that could be tweaked and all the sudden someone would change their mind. It drives me mad!

We know in all other aspects of life that we all have different tolerances for the duration of different things. Some of us enjoy long movies, walks, conversations etc and some just don't. Why wouldn't this be true for living life itself? Why can't someone rationally decide that they don't derive much enjoyment from life anymore and that they are done with it?

@fartooold This is exactly how I feel about life. I've had a good life with the usual ups and downs. My kids are grown and my GC are past the point of needing a lot of care. I enjoy my life and have lots of friends and interests, but I don't want to hang around for the next 20 years. I especially don't want to get to the point where I need to be cared for by my DC or to pay an astronomical amount for a care home.
I would like to be able to choose and press the off switch!

@MistressoftheDarkSide I didn't see your second post, but yes, I relate to this as well. It does piss others off when you can't grieve to order and persist in being subdued and not forward looking for a long time. Funnily enough, it was when I stopped placing huge pressure on myself to move forward, and basically held up my hands and said I know my life will never be the same, is a bit pointless without him, and I can't get over it (in my head, not out loud), I felt a lot better. I think accepting you are sad, and sad for years and years, and may never be happy again in the same way is perfectly ok in this situation, and things may shift, they may not. Don't take any notice of them, they are just frightened to face the existential abyss of loss of purpose- you are looking it square in the eye.

@MistressoftheDarkSide these feelings also came about for me after the death of my husband before 50 so I can relate to that entirely.

In nearly all these stories, which I relate to very much, I notice everyone is done caring for very dependent children, elderly parents, also many in peri or menopause. As well as at a life stage which isn't massively valued in society.

I can't explain how I shifted back to wanting to live again, I'd be a little peeved if I died now as I have stuff to do (mainly writing, being a parent, leading new projects). I can related though with feeling like you've done everything and just want to sleep, I'm not sure though that hitting that in late thirties or forties as some are on this thread, or even 60's and 70's is a great thing- we all of us likely have decades to go, so unless you are able to drop dead on command, we have to continue.

That's what I told myself, I have to continue as it would be too awful for everyone else if I did not, and over time I slowly engaged with life again. The best thing for me has been to turn outwards instead of inwards, I realise now that my life was tiring, exhausting and only focused on my own small family and burned me out, now I'm trying to use my very limited and modest resources to just make tiny incremental things better for someone else or something else- could be your cat, or taking in a foster dog, or rescuing an animal, or helping a student or someone in your wider family. I don't think we are good at assessing our own contributions and I don't think we necessarily know when we have mattered to others, often it's just that kindness to a friend in distress or doing a meal at Christmas to include a friend who otherwise might feel left out. I don't mean self-sacrifice at all, and certainly not running round to the whims of your family, more just seeing where you can make a difference in the world, because you can, even if you don't feel like you are and wish you weren't!

The "other people's expectations" thing is an interesting one. I was sucked into it when my DP died, and looking back I wish I'd had the strength to resist the admittedly well-meaning cheerleading which was almost panicked in its intensity, and which left me making decisions based on what other people thought rather than what I wanted or needed.

I didn't have a frame of reference for this experience so I was far too invested in what other people thought I should be doing and as a result spent valuable time chasing my tail and getting nowhere.

Now I politely decline the suggestions and advice that I know will not work or be possible, and so help me Gods, any hint of "manifestation" bollocks can do one. I'm not just putting obstacles in my own way, I'm looking at all the factors and can't just magic up the ingredients of a new business / hobby / friend circle out of thin air in my current situation. Yes, I'd like to change things but I can't right now.

A fair few people seem to take it very personally if you say "that doesn't work for me, thanks" as if you're denying them their sheer force of will as they want to apply it to your life. I don't know if I'm expressing that terribly well but I know what I mean.

This thread makes me feel a whole lot better about being done at 47 😂

Full time carer to my profoundly disabled child and always will be unless we stick her in care which is a hideous thought.

I completely understand your feelings OP but my situation is very different. I'm not depressed but I am done. I used to have a free and active and full life but now I'm heading for my beloved mum's (my best friend in the whole world) passing and either putting my child in care with strangers or caring for her until I drop dead.

So yep, my future is clear, at least two unbearable things guaranteed for me so frankly if I don't wake up tomorrow I wouldn't care at all!

Great thread that applies to many, even though for the most part we who are healthy, financially secure, with a good social support system are considered "very lucky", and "hasn't she got a great life, no worries, I wish I had her stamina" blah blah blah.

67 now and I'm done with professional work, did the caring for both parents and younger sister before they all died on me. The caring wasn't full time at all, but it was "full on" when it was my slot IYSWIM. It's hard to switch from that back to a full on job, so I know the toll it takes.

Anyway..... for me I am now just a lazy mare. I could do anything I wanted to do, go anywhere, buy anything and so on. But I procrastinate so much! I'm also not bothered with material things. I travelled the world when younger and although I could go anywhere now I can't be bothered much. The hassle of travelling these days puts me right off.

I am solo now and live alone. I wouldn't have it any other way. I can be my lazy indulgent self and not answer to anyone, do something or nothing. But like OP I'm done. I'm not depressed in the slightest, in fact I have a wry and cynical outlook on life, consumerism (especially at this time), keeping up with the Jones's and all that crap. I laugh a lot, enjoy company but I enjoy my own company the best!

I think the way I deal with inertia is to go with it and not worry in the slightest what others say, like "oh you should be doing this and that". They can all F off and live their own lives thank you!

I really don't know what I was trying to say here lol.

But life is just what you're doing right now. Even all through that past when you built that career and had those children and attached yourself to all those ideas about what made you "you" in that process - none of that was actually life. Life was the process, as you experienced it.

All your ideas about yourself are based on the past. They can't be otherwise, because you derived them from your past experiences. But life is the present, and often contradicts those ideas.

Your life sounds hard, but the challenges you face will not last forever. It will move on.

What's that saying... to get what you want, you have to give what you have?

Do you want... purpose....

Therefore look at what you have and 'give' that.

Sometimes we have things that we don't really realise we have. You say you're ground down by caring... but you do have agency. So use that agency to change your caring role... outsource things, ringfence your time and energy.

You also clearly have amazing mental capacity. Use that to... learn something new, help others, teach, do learning support, whatever.

Do you have space in your home? What could you use that for perhaps?

You're fit... what could your 'give' be from that perhaps?

And whilst you may feel 'done' can you change this to 'fortunate' and 'satisfied' and again, 'give' some of this to gain the purpose you crave?

And if you can't see the point, what do you have to lose from all these 'gives'? Absolutely nothing. We can't take time, space, capability with us when we die. So you might as well get on with using what you have.

Humans aren't designed to be too comfortable... in the mists of time, comfortable humans inevitably got eaten by predators or became unfit and left behind.

Use what you have and it will bring you the joy and purpose you crave I'm sure.

There is a difference between feeling like this temporarily and assuming that you will feel that way for the rest of your life.

OP you have taken the feelings you are currently experiencing and made the leap that because right now you don't have a goal, and your previous goals have been achieved, that you won't ever have anything left which drives you to get up in the morning and look for the next day. Do you think there's a possibility this feeling is temporary? Probably, as you & PPs have identified, not helped by the caring responsibilities you currently have?

Actually, I think if you're not actually suicidal and you have a nice life, it must feel nice to feel that if you die tomorrow you'll have done all you wanted, met all the people you wanted to meet, visited all the places you want to visit, learnt all you wanted to learn.
I feel sad that because we started late I won't get to meet any grandkids. Because of a poorly child and money I've not travelled as much as I wanted.

At 63 I'll still be working and saving for retirement, my eldest will be 30 and my twins 25. I definitely will feel like I'm still running around trying to finish my life's to do list.

@MistressoftheDarkSide deepest sympathy and empathy.

I get where you're coming from OP. I'm 76 and suffer from exhaustion for which the GP cannot find the cause. Many nights I go to sleep and think about not waking up. I know my kids and grandchildren would be distraught though. Also I have a DP whose wife took her own life and would find it impossible to face another traumatic loss.