To not really care if I wake up tomorrow

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/dec/15/im-nearly-80-and-theres-a-void-in-my-life-that-hobbies-cant-fill

Plus I notice that Dear Phillipa has a column in the Guardian on the existential angst of being older and not having a life purpose any more this very weekend, almost as if someone was tasked with finding out what mid-life and older women think about this topic in advance of the column. Or perhaps reading this thread was inspiring!

This thread is not about assisted dying though, which is being discussed in the last 6 months of a terminal illness, there are people on here who are in their forties, fifties and sixties saying they feel an existential crisis about their lives, and that's not the same thing at all. Do you think they should be assisted to die age 61 as they feel a sense of completeness and unsure what to do next?

It’s hard for people to lose a loved one, though. Even if your parents are elderly and in bad health it’s hard to lose one. I still feel terrible that I wasn’t able to see my father in person before he passed.

also, assisted dying for the terminally ill has always been a thing. What do you think all the morphine for cancer patients was about? Assisted deaths for people who still have quality of life should be controversial, though. I recall seeing that a 29 year old was approved for assisted dying, and feeling terribly sad. At 30 it was like I magically cared less about what other people thought of me. In cases where young people have anxiety etc it really should be off the table imo because at times age sorts most of it naturally.

This is not a thread about assisted dying and the mere idea that you’ve hijacked it is insensitive and rude.

There are plenty of threads about assisted dying for you to share yours and your ‘friend’s’ views, or you could start your own 😏

Since first reading this thread I was talking to a friend who works in A&E. He said that he finds it quite distressing how sometimes relatives just can't accept that further attempts to resuscitate a loved one are almost certain to be either unsuccessful or leave the person in a terrible hardly-alive state and beg the staff not to give up. As if life should be prolonged at any cost even if it is really just breathing and a heartbeat and the real person has gone. It seems similar to the views expressed by some on the thread that we almost have a duty to stay alive as long as we can regardless of how we feel about it, to prevent those around us suffering our loss

We reflected that today's society seems to find it hard to contemplate the idea of death as inevitable. This thread seems to support the idea that many struggle to cope with the idea that some people can accept their mortality, suggesting that doing so may be a sign of depression or some other condition that needs professional treatment.

This thread is particularly interesting the in the light of the Assisted Dying debate. I saw a lot of people against it on the grounds that they didn't think people should be asked to be responsible for shortening the lives of others, or that even the last few moments with their loved ones was important and should not be taken away. The views in favour of assisted dying seemed to be more to prevent further suffering for the patient faced with inevitable death in the near future.

Thank you, OP - I've been reading this thread every day since you started it and so, so many of the posts resonate with my own feelings and experiences.

I'm 61. I spent 20-odd years "looking after" an elderly relative who sank gradually into dementia; she died five years ago but now my 82-year-old mum's behaviour is becoming more and more eccentric. I'm also a carer for an adult DS with autism. My closest friend succumbed to cancer three months ago, aged only 58. I'm not just worn out: I'm wrung out.

Every night when I go to bed I try and list three things that have gone well with my day, and then three more things that I'm looking forward to for tomorrow. Over the past two or three weeks I've noticed it becoming harder and harder to find three things - or even two things - to anticipate with any pleasure. At this rate, by the end of this month I'll struggle to identify even one thing to look forward to.

On the plus side, there's nothing left that I dread, either. If at the close of 2024 I fall asleep and never wake up again, it'll be a welcome release.

I just can't get excited about things nowadays . I'm alone and have been many years . If you met me you would never know my deep sadness for I'm cheerful and interested in you . It's like I'm numb inside , I guess too many disappointments losses and sadness . I have little to look fwd to , rarely see my adult kids , granchildren, but have become used to that . I am alone in the world. So I look fwd to leaving . I feel I've done all I came to do .

Yes!
Thanks for posting op; I’m 64 and feel exactly like this, you have expressed my feelings perfectly.
I have tried talking to friends to see if they feel like this but nobody wants to discuss it.
I don’t feel sad but if I could go through a portal and it all be over with no pain I would definitely do it.

We're no more important than a grain of sand. Ironically, now I can have whatever I want materially, I don't want it. If my mind could be put in a young body what a different life I would have led.

I hear you OP. For me I think it ties in with being burned out career wise but still needing to work financially, dealing with an adult child with manipulative mental health issues and a ND husband. I’m just exhausted and probably peri menopausal. I could quite easily go to sleep.

@5128gap I agree with you to some extent, the messaging around achieving things in the first half of life, especially the marriage and kids, is destructive to both those who did that and those who can't or don't want to do that. It's hard to be a woman over 50 in some ways, without a very obvious role, but in other ways, it's very freeing. I have a friend from a different country who says she doesn't want to go there because everyone looks down on older or widowed women (without a man), but we get to eat what we like, live where we like and do what we like.

I have found new projects that interest me, I don't think pottering is enough for me as I like it but I like to have something a bit more demanding on the go, whether it be connected with a charity, work or trying something new. I do think if you sit still you can stagnate, but others find sitting still very relaxing- my mum does and she loves her pottering and quite samey life, loves nature, loves her friends and just enjoys the everydayness of it. I'm still hoping to do something bigger, I'm still quite ambitious. I also love creative things as well and so I don't think I'll run out of things to do on that front.

I do relate to the OP's post though and have had very similar feelings, although one part of it related to finding life a bit pointless and one part related to feeling like I'd done enough so if I were to go to sleep and wake up, I'd have had a satisfied life. The first of these seemed to go and was connected with grief and loss of connection with the world, the second is more about a life well lived and I still feel that to some extent.

Other people have posted that they do feel like this.

Why shouldn't she post this?

I can totally relate to this. I am in my early 50s and would have little concern if I knew I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.
I am very grateful for my life, have no significant worries or issues. I have a good husband, amazing dogs, a job I love and nice family and friends. I am not depressed in any way but bereavement has taught me that my best days are in the past.
With age has come a feeling that the world is definitely not improving and that has definitely influenced my enthusiasm to live longer!
I also know that other than my husband, I am not central to anyone’s world so that makes it easier to not stress about disappearing.

I hope I feel the same as you when my time is up. I worry I won't want to go, that I'll panic and be scared. My perfect ending would be to simply and genuinely feel that I'm done with life.

I'm younger than you and sometimes feel this slightly. I blame the constant messaging that everything worthwhile about a woman's life takes place pre menopause. And that after that...what are we for, other than as carers for older people and grandchildren (the latter often only under the strict supervision of younger women who are now the self appointed experts) and to occupy space to the annoyance of younger people, who begrudge us our houses, our pensions and the percieved ease of our lives. To be clear, I don't think this reflects the reality for most people, but its a very pervasive message that our usefulness, relevance and the point of our existence is tied to our youth.

I've been lurking and posting on MN for 20 years and I have never come across a thread like this, where there appears to be a collective loss of will to live

You're saying this like it's a bad thing, when I don't think it is. It's not lots of people feeling actively suicidal. Most are just saying that they've done what they wanted to do and are at peace when the time comes.

I've known people terrified of dying and it's usually because they have regrets and/or they haven't fulfilled things they wanted to do. Even though it's usually too late by that point anyway. I think it's far better to be at peace with how your life has gone and not have major regrets. Because we're all going to die. The uncertainties are when and how. Being ok with that isn't a bad place to be. It doesn't mean "giving up" on life. I still live my life normally, just with the knowledge that I definitely don't have decades left and that's ok.

Great post and give your dear little dog a hug from me.

Very well put and I totally agree with you.

I hear you OP and second you.

I remember when young there was always something you were working towards be it buying a house, getting married, getting a new job, getting a better car, planning a family, impressing the boss, getting a conservatory, looking forward to your trip to the maldives or whatever.

Now older (50's) it does all rather feel like what's the point. I've had the nice husband, the nice house, the expensive cars, the fancy holidays. No kids cos couldn't have them but I was never too maternal anyway. Parents dead and now retired.

So yes I fill my time walking the dog, watching documentaries, reading, various other bits and bobs. It's not horrible but it's all a bit of just treading water like you say. I keep thinking I should start some hobbies or something but I guess the things I was interested in, I did when younger and now again I would just be trying to find something nice to pass the time.

I used to enjoy buying things but now realise it's just 'stuff'

The death of my parents did make me realise we all have an end point and what was it all about anyway. I watched my dad slog his guts out for years working and now he's dead, his stuff has all been disposed of and it's like he was never here. It does give you a weird feeling of just 'waiting for your own end'

I guess when you are young you don't think about your end. You sort of think you are here forever and everything is a big deal. Then you get older and realise very little actually matters in the grand scheme of things.

I try to take inspiration from my dog (daft I know). There's really no point to his life (he's a companion dog so isn't bred to do anything except exist and be around). His life is all about enjoying his dinner, enjoying his walks, his treats, playing with his toys and then it's over. I guess apart from breeding to continue the human race, humans are also a bit pointless.

Someone I knew once said 'we are not here for a long time, we are here for a good time'

Anyway just know you are not alone. Another secret water treader just passing the time here.

@Housebuyingfamily I do think that parents need to consider their children when deciding whether to go on living. Less so when they're adults, but definitely when they're children. Speaking from personal experience, it's hard to forgive a parent who tries to end their life when you're a child. You never really trust them.

That's why I know that I have to keep living unless illness prevents me, because I can't abandon my children until they're old enough to deal with it.

I find this so sad. I am retired at 65 and have no-one significant in my life other than an exDH and a few friends, but I am hoping for at least another 20 reasonably good years of life. When the time comes I will be happy to move to a care home if necessary. My late DM was in one and although she said she would never go into one, once there she was quite happy and continued to live the same life as she was living at home, without having to get her own meals, do laundry etc. My late DF was ready to go at 89, DM never expressed any interest in going at all.

I'm not prepared to exit this world any time soon if I can help it, and really can't understand why so many on this thread, my age and even younger, are happy to do so. Life is for living, not giving up on!

This is really interesting. I've had this feeling for several months where I just find myself thinking ' I'm ready' and I'm not very sad about that at all. Not frightened, not upset, just ready.

I'm 66, in excellent health, still doing some interesting and well paid consulting work. I have a wonderful DH that I adore, a DS and 2 DGS. We are a close family. I have siblings I love and a large extended family. I'm able to afford whatever I want without worry.

I've also lost my parents, my best friend and my only daughter. I don't think I can bear to lose anyone else. I'd rather go first.

I'm not going to do anything, but I am ready if it's my time. I definitely do not want another 20 years of this! That would be my worst nightmare.

I've been lurking and posting on MN for 20 years and I have never come across a thread like this, where there appears to be a collective loss of will to live.

I wonder if it is triggered by all the talk about Assisted Dying.

BTW, this government is a disgrace.

I felt very like this until my parent went into a carehome ( that they are very happy in) I feel much lighter since, the responsibility and worry of caring is hard.