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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

264 replies

Nicenicenight · 11/12/2024 19:41

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

OP posts:
policetimeisprecious · 12/12/2024 07:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tiredofallthis101 · 12/12/2024 07:16

Eurgh tough one - I think people that would expect you to do that are not nice people so I wouldn't want to be friends with them.

Did they know you got a staff discount before they invited you? If so I'm afraid they (at least the one who asked you to share your voucher with everyone) are users and CFs. If not then maybe just a blip. Good to know the difference so you can ensure you make friends that will add value to your life rather than just take from you.

Eddielizzard · 12/12/2024 07:14

I'm a bit cynical, but did they know you got a 33% discount before inviting you along, or after? I fear you may be at risk of just being invited along to take advantage. Be wary

Newyearnewnameagain20 · 12/12/2024 07:11

FWIW, do continue to make an effort with these mums but I’ve always found that the better/closer mum friendships are with those whose elder child is the same age as your elder child, ie they’re starting school at the same time. First time school mums (including me!) are always way keener. It’s only the first term - very early days

GretchenWienersHair · 12/12/2024 07:11

Onlyvisiting · 11/12/2024 19:50

I would have done the same as I'm a wuss.
But I would be very cautious going forward that they are offering a genuine friendship and not just using your 33% discount.....
Sorry but it seems very suss that they coincidentally decided to go to somewhere you csn get a discount. Was this discussed before? Did they know/ask that you could get them a massive discount?

I was going to say this too. I would go along with it for the sake of the first time but keep an watchful eye on the places you are/aren’t invited out to…

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 12/12/2024 07:07

On a slightly different point, I wouldn't focus on trying to make this group your main friendship group. Instead, take a look around at other reception parents who are standing by themselves and go and chat to them. Work the room at birthday parties and see which parents you actually like. There's no point in being accepted into a group if you don't actually like them!

ChanelBoucle · 12/12/2024 07:02

I too would have kept my mouth shut on this occasion however I would be VERY wary of going out with these guys again. Someone in the group should really have stepped in and said, “actually, @Nicenicenight has saved us enough money eh, this is her voucher!” But then I’m not one to assume that other people’s vouchers are there to necessarily share with others. Clearly opinions are divided on this. Personally I don’t think that an individual’s means of paying a shared bill are anyone else’s business. Otherwise we could start saying, “well she earns more so she should pay more” or “she was given her money by her parents as a gift so she should split her gift with all of us” etc.

Anyway. As I was saying, I’d be wary of this group. They sound like they might be the Queen bees who are used to being the it gang in the strange land of the parent’s waiting area of the school playground. I wouldn’t be too keen to be friends with them, op. I’m sure there are nicer parents so try not to be too desperate.

FinallyHere · 12/12/2024 07:00

Secondguess · 11/12/2024 22:14

I agree with the PP that it's unusual for an established group to welcome newbies in this way. You sound like an excited puppy who's delighted with any crumbs they drop your way. I think you should slow things down and not look to school mums in this way you may make friends there, but it'll be slower than this.

Absolutely understand the relief at being included by an existing group when you are new to an area, especially if you turned up later in the year.

The note of caution sounded by others it's important here though. If you are content to join their annual outing and provide your staff discount then it's all good.

Your real friends are going to come from people whose own friendship groups are less well established. Don't stop looking out for others to get to know

When you are all alone, look out for others who are in a similar position and say something to them. Trust the process, over time, you will gravitate to those who will be come your friends.

ChateauMargaux · 12/12/2024 06:57

I think they were taking the piss - you got them a whopping 33% off their meal which maybe they were expecting, maybe that is why they invited you... but the £50 vouchers was yours - as you said, like cash... I would have been pissed off.

wheelywheelynice · 12/12/2024 06:55

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 11/12/2024 20:42

No advice at all but a huge thanks!!! The first week of octopus has given me one of the biggest giggles I’ve had in weeks and it was much needed!!!! I’m now trying to name all the other months in animals that sound like the actual name!! 😂

Wrong thread

WonderingWanda · 12/12/2024 06:51

Well it sounds like their last minute decision to invite you was I order to benefit from your staff discount op.

Have you spoken to any reception parents? Invited anyone round for a playmate yet?

Dash0Cal · 12/12/2024 06:47

The voucher should have covered most of your share- it wasn’t something general like the discount. However I don’t think they were necessarily being cheeky- after a few cocktails and in the heat of the moment I can imagine that they probably didn’t appreciate the distinction.

I wouldn’t raise it afterwards- too much faff to correct and too embarrassing. You could have said something at the time but even that would have been a bit awkward. Next time just keep it simple and save your voucher for another occasion.

Doggymummar · 12/12/2024 06:44

Did they know about your staff discount before they invited you? Seems quite a coincidence that they book the same restaurant that you are part of.

YIP · 12/12/2024 06:39

You sound very very keen to make friends with these school mums. If it’s that important to you I wouldn’t mention the bill again.

It was cheeky of them yeah but you’re very invested.

OverthinkingOlive · 12/12/2024 06:36

Friendship groups are highly overrated...

HummusTime · 12/12/2024 06:35

@CasperGutman

My son is really quiet, reserved and has an EHCP.

The subtle ‘othering’ that goes on is terrible. Or sometimes it’s overt : is he deaf? I’ve overheard.

I feel I just want to protect him from the huge cloud of shit that often gets wafted my way.
And hearing OP’s difficulties - I can identify exactly which Mum’s in my playground would behave that way - and it’s the popular gaggle.

Yes I have made a few good friends, but they are on the periphery. And we were drawn to each other for being on the periphery,

GRex · 12/12/2024 06:27

£500*2/3 = £335 or £56 each. If you take off £50 and ÷6 that should have been £47.50, not £52. Presumbly you missed the tip somewhere, so that's confused your calculations.

I think it's a funny way to use a voucher that's open to interpretation, so it's hard to challenge at the time. It should have been yours to use as cash and it was a bit cheeky of them assuming they could use it so watch out for that.

Agree with the PP about making friends in your DD's class. If she hasn't made friends yet, suggest on the class whatsapp a meet-up for end of term e.g. local soft play or even just the playground. You'll find other mums also keen to bond.

CheeseTime · 12/12/2024 06:24

Assuming everyone was a bit drunk! I wouldn’t overthink it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/12/2024 06:21

Next time just say I'm paying for some of mine with a voucher and have the rest of the cash ready.

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/12/2024 06:21

Next time just say I'm paying for some of mine with a voucher and have the rest of the cash ready.

CasperGutman · 12/12/2024 06:18

HummusTime · 12/12/2024 02:08

@Nicenicenight

Hmm, I think that’s really cheeky of them.

I’m afraid I avoid school mum’s now - it never goes well. I don’t make the effort.

I can do the surface smile, occasional PTA help, I tend to do a class party so we get invites back.

But if anyone wants to be pals, they can come to me.

And I drop off/pick up at latest time to avoid the playground.

This seems to be going too far the wrong way. It's sad that you've dismissed "school mums" as a category and actively avoid seeing them. How would they come to you if you're not even in the playground to be engaged in conversation?

Presumably you've had a bad experience or two in the past, but you can't reasonably think the parents of 30-odd other children who happen to be in the same class as yours are all somehow one amorphous clique you can't get along with?

CasperGutman · 12/12/2024 06:14

Christmaseason · 11/12/2024 21:30

Every single one of them got a good deal. OP got a slightly less good deal than she would have done had she gone alone, but then she would have been alone.

I don’t think the OP got a good deal, she spent around £50 and used her £50 voucher.

I agree with @Christmaseason: OP didn't get a good deal at all. She shared a meal that would have cost under £85 a head (£500 split six ways), and spent £100 (£50 voucher, £45 cash plus £5 tip). That's a crap deal.

Personally I think freebie discount vouchers and offer codes given out by restaurants as incentives to encourage bookings are fair game for splitting - they're really just a marketing thing, and everyone should benefit especially if you've been persuaded to go to a particular restaurant on the basis of the offer. But with a voucher like the OP's which has a cash value is effectively equivalent to a monetary bonus from her work and I wouldn't expect her to split it.

I'd be wary of these women. Friendly, and open to a continuing friendship, but a little bit watchful. Maybe suggest meeting up again in a few weeks - somewhere unrelated to your work. It doesn't have to be as fancy as a meal out - that seems a bit intense for a new friendship, to be honest. Just grabbing a coffee one day in January or going for a quick drink after a PTA meeting, maybe. Their response may reveal where this friendship is going.

cantthinkofausernametoadd · 12/12/2024 02:13

Your**

cantthinkofausernametoadd · 12/12/2024 02:13

They're very likely (I hope I'm wrong) using you for your discount. Keep you wits about you.

HummusTime · 12/12/2024 02:08

@Nicenicenight

Hmm, I think that’s really cheeky of them.

I’m afraid I avoid school mum’s now - it never goes well. I don’t make the effort.

I can do the surface smile, occasional PTA help, I tend to do a class party so we get invites back.

But if anyone wants to be pals, they can come to me.

And I drop off/pick up at latest time to avoid the playground.