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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

264 replies

Nicenicenight · 11/12/2024 19:41

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 12/12/2024 09:17

I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who insisted I use my voucher this way.

Mind you, I wouldn't have piped up about it in the first place.

Op, I don't think you oh should put so much stock into friendships with these women. I think you should try and broaden your horizons beyond mothers at school.

TaraRhu · 12/12/2024 09:08

lollylawyer · 11/12/2024 21:48

I think using a voucher when everyone is paying out their pocket is slightly socially awkward. It just immediately puts a divide up where everyone else feels like they’ve paid more. I think you were right to not say anything and you would have been better off using your voucher for a meal just with yourself and one other you are prepared to treat.

^^ I agree. It's a bit odd to pay with a Boucher for a group meal.

DancingLions · 12/12/2024 09:07

I’d raise an eyebrow if I was out in a group and someone waited until the end and whipped out a voucher to cover just their part of the bill. Looks a bit overly concerned with money- whereas share it with everyone and it clearly gives a much better impression. I think if I’d not wanted to share it I’d have left it at home to use another time

I agree with this. I think if someone is going to produce a voucher then they should be willing to share it. Otherwise just pay and use the voucher another time.

so we did go a bit wild with cocktails

Also this, to order numerous cocktails knowing you had a voucher in your pocket to cover yours seems a bit off. It sets you apart from the group that you want to be a part of. And lets face it, the 33% discount benefitted you as much as it did them. It wasn't altruistic on your part.

Grammarnut · 12/12/2024 09:00

purplespink · 11/12/2024 19:46

I'm on both sides of the fence about this. Were they being cheeky? Yes, without a doubt. Had you stood your ground though, and you would've had every right to, you may have found yourself without an invite to any further social meet-ups. I would've kept quiet and accepted it personally, especially to make friends, but you would've been right in either scenario imo, it just depends on which outcome was more important for you: you paying your actual fair amount (the discounted one) or making new friends.

Not friends.

Diomi · 12/12/2024 09:00

I think they were a little cheeky but you did the right thing by going along with it. You might need to branch out and explore other friendship possibilities though. Isn’t there a yoga group, art class or something to join so you don’t have to rely completely on school mum friends?

Disturbia81 · 12/12/2024 08:55

It's tricky as in my opinion that was a voucher you earned so it was your money. But maybe they thought it was just another discount from working there.
Like others have said I would let it slide and see how it goes just because you're so eager to have mum friends. I've learnt we aren't all perfect so we should accept some shortcomings if they aren't massive

Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 08:54

You sound vulnerable op. Just becuase your mum made lifelong friends doesn't mean that you should/ will.

Or you may but it could take time, my two best friends of 17/18 years became my friends when my DC were near the end of primary school even though I met them at the toddler group.

Makingchocolatecake · 12/12/2024 08:54

I think they should have asked you if you wanted it to be split or not

wizzywig · 12/12/2024 08:51

You sound vulnerable op. Just becuase your mum made lifelong friends doesn't mean that you should/ will.

Figgygal · 12/12/2024 08:50

Yeah they might be CFs they might be lovely hopefully you'll get another opportunity to find out.
I wouldnt have tried to use a voucher at a group meal but think you've got that now.

I'd maybe lower my expectations too of "school mum" friends.

Addictedtohotbaths · 12/12/2024 08:48

I hate people being grabby so I probably would choose to stand on my own at school rather than be friends with people who were taking advantage of me.

newwithouttags · 12/12/2024 08:48

OP this thread is very outing - I'd asked for it to be deleted if I was you (assuming you want to stay friends with these women). Would be very easily identifiable .

Addictedtohotbaths · 12/12/2024 08:47

They took advantage of you, and you let them because you want to be friends and get invited again. So you were as bad as eachother.

Toomanyemails · 12/12/2024 08:31

I think fair to let it slide this time. For future, you could just say in a friendly tone "Oh, no, this plus the £10 is to cover my share!" And that's also fine.
Fwiw, September to now is not much time. Do you have other social options for meeting people, maybe a running/knitting/other hobby group? I'm sure school mum friends are lovely when it works but I can see how it gets cliquey.

UndeniablyGenX · 12/12/2024 08:24

Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 08:13

So the moral of the story is to never try and use a voucher at a group meal and be a bit wary with the PTA women in case they invited you for your discount. I wonder if they would have had the cocktails if they were paying full price.

Never use a voucher to pay for a group meal is excellent advice - it's not the first thread on here where either someone has been stiffed like the OP; or someone has taken offence because the voucher wasn't shared.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 12/12/2024 08:14

I’m so confused by some of the attitudes on here.

if I bought my daughter a gift voucher for somewhere I would not expect her to share it with her friends. It was a treat for her.

freebie vouchers are different. Gift vouchers are cash equivalent

Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 08:13

So the moral of the story is to never try and use a voucher at a group meal and be a bit wary with the PTA women in case they invited you for your discount. I wonder if they would have had the cocktails if they were paying full price.

ThatCoralShark · 12/12/2024 08:10

Cheeky of them to ask but I’d not use a voucher in a group setting.

SagittariusDwarf · 12/12/2024 08:09

wheelywheelynice · 12/12/2024 06:55

Wrong thread

Show quote history

Re-read the second line of the OP.

MakeItRain26 · 12/12/2024 08:07

I always think that discounts and vouchers should be for the benefit of the whole group. It’s free money at the end of the day and assuming you like the people you are out with, wouldn’t you want them to save a bit of money before Xmas?

You did the right thing not to make a fuss of it - that would have just resulted in them discussing that you are a bit miserly and maybe they won’t invite you again in their group chat.

blackerfriday · 12/12/2024 08:06

They are cheeky gits. Op won her voucher for her good service at work. After getting them a 33% discount they basically also took something that had been given to her as a personal gift. I'm sure in my friendship group someone would have said something like 'Don't be daft, that's your voucher, you earned it, you use it for yourself'.

'But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.'

Startinganew32 · 12/12/2024 08:05

They probably already had the night out arranged and couldn’t believe their luck when they found out about your discount. I’d be careful - why do you want to be friends with the Queen bee types? It will be just like it was in school with bitching and stuff. I’d find some other nice friends and not stress it too much. Plus these ones can probably smell your desperation.

Jumell · 12/12/2024 08:04

Difficult one - but won’t the fact you didn’t say no to them sour the relationship slightly going forward ?

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 12/12/2024 07:58

I’d be extremely wary OP. I’m in a lovely tight group of mums from school. If anyone new joined us for a meal we’d be the opposite in this situation - insisting they used it for themselves (even if we expected them to counter-insist on dividing it between the group).

Also, and take this the right way, I mean very kindly, but you sound so desperate to make friends that you may come across as a bit intense and it might also blind you to the fact that you want the right friends, not just any friends. I don’t know anyone who would buy new clothes and ring their mum before a Xmas meal out with school mums. I agree with PPs - absolutely be open to this new friendship, but pursue other avenues too - speak to a range of parents in playgrounds, classes etc.

TheBlueUser · 12/12/2024 07:56

I think this is on you for getting the voucher out. I wouldn't be getting a voucher out to pay for a meal with a group of new friends.

If I was out for a meal with my group of friends and one of us had a voucher, we normally share it - in fact the voucher would likely have been the reason we'd pick the restaurant in the first place.

But I agree with PP, be careful and make sure they're not just inviting you when you're able to get them discount.