To get resentful at Christmas- how much do other husbands do?

@SeaWitchly

"Christmas for him was just food with family..."

So, who prepared the food, decorated the table, chose the Christmas playlist and provided him with a wrapped present?

Apologies, I don't know how to quote an already quoted posted so have pasted the question above.

In terms of preparing the food, his friend owns a restaurant specialising in cuisine native to their home country. He hosts on Christmas Day by cooking up huge pots of food. There's no table as such. He has around 50 people to his house on Christmas Day, and it's a case of everybody gets fed and sits wherever they can find a seat. He'd take a gift or financial contribution for the host, but DP wouldn't open a gift on the day.

I think Christmas for him is completely different to Christmas for me and my family.

DH has always sorted gifts/cards for his side of the family and I do my side. We discuss gifts for DC and I do most of the buying (I am a staunch researcher for best prices!) but DH does most of the gift wrapping.

I do all food planning, shopping and most of the cooking over Christmas but that’s because I love cooking. I’m not a keen baker whereas DH is so he makes biscotti, cookies, etc.

I book all Christmas activities, I am more organised and I like to get it booked early.

As a family we buy and decorate the tree and the house.

I would say DH does a bit more of a thorough clean and tidy than I do, but again we do it together.

I would say it has been equally split over the years as we both worked FT but I have recently gone PT so maybe I need to step it up a bit!

I'm an author of my own demise but I really like buying the kids presents so happy to do that. Also wrapping is a chore but I bought myself a tape dispenser this year as I got it all out and thought nah.
I make the figgy pudding and sometimes the cake. My mum makes it other times. We are lucky that we take christmas in turns so only every 3 years is our turn. Dh does christmas lunch though as I'm veggie and he likes turkey. He'll do it every year. He also sorts out wine and helps with the Xmas shop plus does the lights. Kids do the tree. We are a team on Xmas day.

My immediate reaction is YABU, but it's because you've enabled this and done it all, protected him, and made the bed you're now moaning about. So stop enabling him.

Make all the effort with presents but put your name on them, write the cards, put your name on them, do the tree how you want it, plan the meal to your effort level (plan to go out??), don't give him any credit. Stop enabling him to be useless.

Watch the explosion; then ask him what he contributed, you're not lying.

My husband does all his side of the presents, he doesnt do any decorations (was my house and was able thing me and DS do).

we do the tree together. I buy all gifts. He wraps all gifts. I’ve stopped doing cards completely. I buy all food and drink. He cooks Christmas dinner. Boxing Day is PJ and party Food day. No one is allowed out and no visitors allowed in. This year we have people staying over so it will be a later version that afternoon and on 27th we will do this.

My DH pulls his weight.

He buys and wraps presents for all of his side of the family, I sort out my side and DDs. He'll buy DDs a present if he sees something he thinks they'd like but it's mainly me that sorts the kids. But I like doing it.

I do all of the cooking but he does all the washing up. That's our standard all the rest of the year too.

I sort Christmas cards for my side of the family. He usually sorts his but I'm not sure whether he's done any this year. But it's his responsibility and I don't get involved, if his family don't get any then that's on him. I don't pick up "his" jobs if you see what I mean.

Decorating wise he got everything down from the loft and he hung the outside lights, I did the tree so that's pretty even.

I do most of the food shopping but he'll definitely pick some bits up too. He contributes a lot. He works full time and I work part time and on balance I probably do a bit more but that's fair enough with our working hours. If I was incapacitated he'd handle it all perfectly.

@S@Spaceid

Have you considered hiring him out to exhausted mumsnetters for a huge fee?????

So our situation is a little different to yours as I'm a sahm and we have three kids from 3 - 13. But dh buys and organises and cooks the meals and drinks including egg nog home made on christmas day. We equally share responsibility for buying main presents and stockings are mostly my duty throughout the year but he will offer ideas and buy bits if he sees them. He does outside and ceiling decorations, he puts the tree up but I decorate it. He sends no cards, I send to my family and any neighbours, he sorts a card and christmas goodies for the school he's a governor at and I sort teacher presents for our kids schools. I do the elf but he helps and finds ideas online and if I forget, he moves them to a generic hidey place idea. I sort out family visits and carol services and santa visits, and we both try to remember every little school Xmas thing! In your position- I'd go away for christmas and do it how you like... by yourself!

Mine will cook Christmas dinner and buy me a present, but that’s literally his only contribution these days. He says “there’s nothing else to do”.

He won’t get the decorations out of the loft
He won’t come with me to buy a tree.
He won’t help decorate the house.
He won’t do food planning or shopping.
He doesn’t wrap any presents.
He gets me to buy the presents for his work team.
He doesn’t post anything, including his own Godchildren’s presents - which I bought of course.

He loves to tell me I’m “making too much fuss about Christmas”.

DH decorates the tree, buys gifts for his side of the family, buys food for the Christmas sideboard, I buy for my side of the family, prepare the Xmas Eve boxes and stockings, and buy/prepare Christmas dinner, we sort out presents for the children together. I think we are pretty even

He loves buying tree and putting lights on. I like putting the decorations on but he’d help if I asked, I did it with DD this year.

He also put up lights and garlands and the artificial tree and the lights for that.

Christmas wise he’ll buy me what I ask for and usually a nice surprise. I do most of buying for DD because I want to but he is keen to get her one or two things. Difference is he fairly regularly buys her toys through the year whereas I tend to wait for bday or Christmas.

He bought some chocolate for fillable advent but this is mostly filled by me.

Food wise my parents and in laws do most cooking but he does buy some of the stuff for dinner and will generally cook one thing, I do the roast potatoes and maybe a nut roast. He and I make a desert each.

Im pretty happy with that but wish he’d get his finger out and order his family’s presents. In Black Friday I got gifts and he got stuff for himself!

Ex (note EX…) did sweet FA towards Christmas but expected the equivalent of a moon on a stick. One year, I sent nearly 200 Christmas cards on his request.

Its a much simpler affair these days…

how lovely! Sounds like you guys are really in it together. I’d love something similar but my DHbis like a lot of those on here. He does literally nothing towards Christmas but like many it’s because he doesn’t care. So I do it for myself and the children and don’t do more than I can happily manage. I also work waaaaaaaay fewer hours than he does so all the household stuff reflects that. I don’t buy presents to post to extended family, which is one job off the list

Mine is useless but doesn’t shout.

My husband likes Christmas more than I do so he does a lot. He decorates the house, buys and wraps presents for his side of the family, and cooks most of Christmas dinner. I only help a little with decorating, clean and tidy the house after, buy presents for my side of the family, and cook the turkey as he doesn’t like it much. We both get gifts for our daughter and do the food shop together.

Your kids are older teens- can’t you involve them more - eg decorating, deciding on food and helping with that?
my DH is responsible for any gifts for his side of the family and together we decide re gifts for our DC; sometimes I wrap sometime he does (he’s better at it and enjoys it).
re food - we take it easy. I don’t like spending the day cooking and stressing neither does he so we pre- order stuff from our store or a restaurant- they do full Christmas dinners if that’s what we fancy; or we just do a take out we want. If we host, he fully participates in any prep/ cooking involved.

Roughly equal

DH does all online shopping and 20 cards. He could does all the gifts for his side of the family.

DH wraps with me Xmas eve and cooks with me Xmas day

I buy items in shops, gifts, stocking fillers and food. Coordinate relaxed catch ups with family and friends. Buy my side of the family gifts in shops.

I do all the organising and DH does all the heavy lifting. So, for example, I plan the meals and make the shopping list, DH does the shopping, and we both do the cooking with me acting as head chef.

My husband is the same. I just do Christmas my way now. He enjoys it but it is a lot of effort.

He puts the outdoor lights up, does the Christmas food shop and cooks the Christmas dinner. I do the rest. Which suits me fine.

Mine plans, orders, and cooks all the food and makes the arrangements for his parents to visit us. He sorts gifts for his side and for me. We decide together what to get DC and I do the buying and wrapping. We do the tree together. I send about five Christmas cards to older family members. That's about it really, we always have a low stress Christmas as none of us are fond of being stressed!

Every year my husband seems astonished by how Christmas is brought into being. He was brought up in a household where his parents didn't bother. His mum might stick a tiny artificial tree up for Christmas Day but then put it away again on Boxing Day. They are very much an 'unsigned Christmas card' sort of family. I decorate the house and always find it oddly touching how he responds - we've been together nearly 30 years but he is still always appreciative how how the house looks. He does all the food stuff and loves feeding my family who turn up at some point. He has learnt to do presents - my family always bother, and my mum in particular has always made sure he gets a good gift (I think she feels sorry that his childhood Christmases weren't like ours) and does sort gifts for his miserable family. He's pretty good in general - cooking and cleaning - so I have no complaints!

Not much. He puts the tree up but we all decorate it. He puts the outdoor lights up (I help but he does most of it) and he builds any gifts that need building.

I love doing the shopping and wrapping so I do all of that, he tells me what to buy for his side of the family. I plan all the Christmas days out, do elf on the shelf, Christmas Eve boxes, put the presents out on Christmas Eve etc. I love planning things so don’t mind doing this, wouldn’t mind some help with the elf though.

We go out for Christmas dinner so luckily don’t have to worry about that.

If it’s making you stressed and ruining your Christmas he needs to start helping, or stop doing as much unless he helps (don’t make Christmas cake). I start shopping/ booking days out from September so it spreads it out.

Married 35+ years. Xmas is probably 80/20. He does the outside lights (admittedly that's a big task), puts up the tree, and hauls the decs boxes down from upstairs and takes them back up again. But gifts, shopping, food, cooking, cards, decorating are all mine. He does manage to hang some decs on the tree and helps me clean up after Xmas dinner. I don't really mind, I enjoy the hustle bustle of shopping and cooking and seeing my decs go up just how I want them.

What he does do is get the hell out of my way so I can do what I want lol. He doesn't criticize, always compliments, and is great at 'de-stressing' me. Whatever I want to spend or buy is 'fine with me, sweetheart', whatever I do around the house is 'beautiful, darling', and dinner is always 'the best Xmas Dinner ever, honey!'. And at the end of Xmas Day when the guests are gone and the mess is tidied, he brings me a nice glass of wine, a slice of pie, then toddles off to bed and leaves me to watch the Call the Midwife Xmas episode by myself in the peaceful quiet. I think I'll keep him.

Helps plan the gifts. I tend to pick up things year round, so we're mostly making lists and seeing where the gaps are. He takes care of all the online ordering while I do the in-person shopping because he is always working while the shops are open.

In return, he wraps everything and labels it and keeps lists so we know what is in every parcel.

We jointly plan the food. He shops for it and keeps a running list of anything we might be getting short of. He then goes to the shops as needed to top up. I will cook things that need doing in advance. On the day, he will do most of the cooking and all of the cleaning up.

We both work fairly long hours, so the way we do Christmas seems a fair and equitable distribution of effort by both of us.