He doesn’t see I’m more tired

I sympathise with you but firstly this sounds very normal even without the chronic conditions. I was overwhelmed, exhausted falling asleep feeding baby, feelings of envy and 'oh my god what have I done' etc etc. Dh tried to do lots to help but also had a ft time job and needed to function mentally for that as well. I would suggest to some excellent ear plugs so you can sleep when dh is home and looking after the baby. Maybe consider nursery for one or two days a week to give you a break.n

Your husband is doing his fair share. If you are struggling to manage you need to employ help.

Once your baby is past the napping in the day stage you’re going to have to find ways to manage whether that’s by employing help at home or looking at a nursery placement.

What are you doing to manage your CFS? If you need more support with that, you should ask for referral to a specialist service.

To be fair it sounds like he is doing a fair bit while working full time. I can imagine you are both tired!

It's okay if you are not coping though and you need to find some alternatives. Get mothers help if you can afford it.

I don't think sending him out in the dark with the baby is a solution.

What chronic health conditions do you have? Maybe someone will have some more tailored advice.

Having a baby is so tough and sleep deprivation is awful - my toddler is 18 months old and still doesn't sleep through the night and wakes up a lot, so I understand how tired you feel. But it is a phase and it will pass (I hope ). In the meantime, try to outsource as much help as you can afford.

You have a baby, you do half the nights each, you’re both tired. I don’t think you can say you’re more tired than him as you don’t know. It sounds like he’s already doing a lot of he’s doing half the nights, helping out other times and working. Yes, having a baby is tiring. Get the mothers help if you think you need it.

It’s not a competition your partner’s tiredness is just as valid as your tiredness. Having a baby is tiring.

Unless baby is comfier out, then baby should be home. If your husband works full time then he will need to sleep at night. Unless baby is not sleeping at all, why can't you nap when baby naps? I know it's right weird but babies don't really have a day/night cycle. Assuming you aren't working or looking after older children, surely you can go with baby's wake/sleep cycles. Husband can't if he has work hours which don't fit.

I think the main thing here is that you don't have any more children regardless what assurances your DP gives, and you just focus on surviving the next few years until your baby is going to nursery and you can rest more.

We don't know what health conditions you have but it sounds as if your DP pulls his weight and realistically you just don't have the energy to deal with the inevitable demands of parenthood.

OP, as a new mother with chronic fatigue and chronic pain:

Get a mother's helper, at least 2-3 mornings a week. I have mine 4 mornings. I hand her the baby and go to bed and sleep. I would not survive without that time, even with an involved husband.

As others have said its not about who is more tired. It is about what you need. I've read your posts and I'm not quite sure why you can't just leave your baby with your husband even if he is crying. Your baby is safe with his dad. You don't need to step in. You need to let go when you get given a break.

I'd strongly encourage you to make time and energy for your hobby. You need to fill your cup with more than just sleep. Make sure you are still seeing friends (with or without baby). I find seeing friends and doing something fun gives me energy. Even if its just baby cinema on a Wednesday.

Go for a short walk every day and try and see some nature

Take your painkillers - being in pain will wipe you out. Taking the right painkillers will give you energy eventually. Talk to your GP if you need to change prescription.

You are sounding a bit burnt out. Can you talk to your health visitor or GP about how you are managing? It's hard having a baby and health issues. Also your hormones will be crashing al over the place. I had a terrible 2 weeks 12-14 weeks after giving birth where I was incredibly low. Your hormones take 2 full years to settle after childbirth.

It is an amazing and exhausting thing to carry and give birth to and care for a baby. Be kind to yourself xxx

I’m also resentful to the fact he rings me or I ring him and he’s sat alone in the office having his lunch and watching the football when I’m holding a crying baby who won’t let me eat a sandwich for 5 seconds

Sounds harsh but that's your problem, what's he supposed to do, give up his job because you're finding it harder than you thought?

See no I really disagree with this, he’s working full time and doing half the nights, he doesn’t have to also spend an hour and a half after work wandering around in the dark and cold pushing a buggy. I wouldn’t agree to do that every time either and neither would my husband.

I appreciate you've said your iron levels are low (I assume you do something about that) but what chronic illnesses is it that you have that mean you fall asleep during the day without trying?

What the fuck, is he afraid of the dark? Does he know that in Nordic countries, it's dark half the damn time?
If he is afraid, you can get a set of string lights that go around the buggy so it's lit up, cars can see him, and it might interest the baby too!
You need your sleep, it needs to be quiet, so he needs to grow up and take the baby out, even if the baby cries a bit.

See I do think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect him to go out with the baby after work every time, but he can look after baby in the house while you have your break upstairs or out of the house.

If my husband was telling me to take the baby out on an evening after I’ve been out all day at work I’d say no, maybe from time to time yes but it’s cold, dark, yeah I could take my baby for a walk for an hour and a half or to the shops at night but I don’t want to and especially if I’d been out at work all day I wouldn’t be doing that.

OP, why is your baby crying so much? You haven’t said how old they are, is it wind, reflux, teething?

No, you’ve jumped to a lazy knee jerk response without reading what she’s actually said. He does half the nights and works full time. She isn’t doing it all, they’re both pitching in.

Why don’t you think about it then set out what you want him to do?

He does half the night feeds, which in all fairness, is ok if he’s working.

Would you prefer him to come home in his lunch hour/break so you can rest? It’s unreasonable to be cross with him eating his sandwich and watching his phone on his break, it’s what most of us do.

If he’s ‘home a lot already’ is he not helping in that time? Maybe get some ear plugs?

Competitive tiredness is futile. It just rubs people up the wrong way. He’s likely tired doing half the night feeds and then working all day, even doing an ‘easy’ job.

Babies can totally go out in the dark in winter - they can be driven to the supermarket and pushed up and down the aisles to look at things, for a start. If the baby is snug in a coat, hat and sleep-sack type arrangement in a buggy they can even go for a walk outdoors.

Can’t you say to him you’d like him to take the baby out of the house for an hour when he gets home so you can rest?

He does.

He just doesn't care.

Because it's easier for HIM if YOU do it all.

But you’ve said he already does half of the night. Do you really think he should do more than that and then go to work the next day?

You need to advertise for a mother’s help asap - try the local colleges. In the meantime. Your oh can take the baby for an hour when he gets home from work and you can sleep then.

I agree with this.