He doesn’t see I’m more tired

Sound advice there. The ‘lie-in each’ at weekends saved our marriage when ours were small!

I think this situation needs money spent, unfortunately.

I totally understand your tiredness is over and above what’s normal due to health conditions. Also that it’s dangerous to keep falling asleep holding the baby.

That said, your husband also does need some rest and sleep because he’s not an inexhaustible resource just because you are unwell.

Nursery/ CM/ mothers help could all be options - or I don’t know if you’re past the point/ age of baby where a maternity nurse could be the answer?

@Chronicallytired Have you actually been diagnosed with ME/Chronic fatigue? Because I was where you are (non - child related) and after years, I was diagnosed with not one but 2 sleep disorders. I wasn't aware that I had them and would have told you that I slept well, because I had had, what I thought was an unbroken nnights sleep! Treatment for both has given me back my life.

I understand entirely, how difficult it is to stay awake, even without a baby or small child in the house, and unless you have been there, people won't understand there is a difference between what you are dealing with and 'normal tiredness.

Of course, as everyone else has pointed out, having a baby is always going to make you extra tired, and there isn't much you can do about that bit, but even if you have been diagnosed with Chronic fatigue, I would be asking your GP for a referral to your nearest NHS Sleep clinic. You will need to be careful and tell them it has always been a big problem- well before the baby came along - otherwise they will just assume that you are extra tired, due to the baby

I do think that at the moment your partner sounds as if he's doing his best, though when He is working full time. And your baby will stop screaming eventually, but maybe see if you can work out what is making him screaming.

Good luck

I'll try some suggestions in case any help.

1. Safe co--sleeping; you and baby in a double bed with bed guards and keep the duvet up to your hips so baby can't get caught in it. Nap like this for every nap and at night; baby gets to curl into a cuddle and stops yelling.
2. How old exactly is the baby, is teething an issue and being medicated sufficiently?
3. You will both be very tired; you being unwell does not mean your DH is not tired. Try to empathise along with the "me too" instead of competitive tiredness, though also be aware most couples with a baby have some level of "no I'm MORE tired" bickering at some stage.
4. Saturday and Sunday morning alternate lie-in, the other must keep baby quiet or go out. That one fully rested morning is the rock you can both rely on. The one not doing the morning gets 1-2 hours nap in the afternoon. Yes, you won't be doing much exciting stuff like this, but you'll both catch up a bit on sleep.
5. A childminder may be better than mother's help, so that the baby is not fussing for you in the house. If that's what you need, then arrange it.
6. Nap with the baby, really do it - you may as well.
7. Don't have more babies if you feel this drained with one.

@Chronicallytired it's really hard - and especially hard for you. It's going to be hard, accept it. Plans made before baby appeared about hobbies or anything really may have to change in the short term for both of you - it's worth it.

Have you talked to your health visitor about accessing whatever you can?

Competitive tiredness is a miserable path to go down and won’t help anyone.

At the moment, on paper-it looks like he is doing a full time job and half is the nights, which is fair. I wouldn’t expect my husband to turn out in the dark with a baby when he got in from work, but he used the take the baby whilst I went and got in the bath. Can you put earplugs in and go and have a doze?

I don’t know many people (a couple of high earners who inherited a house!) who could afford for only one of them to work and to also have paid help, but you might be one of those lucky ones! Talk to your husband about it-how much are your ingoings/outgoings and what’s left-how much do they cost and is it doable? Would you want them to take the baby out of the house whilst you sleep?

Tiredness is relative, we’ve all got different thresholds.

My partner has a variety of health conditions, some of which cause exhaustion and chronic pain. He takes longer to arrive at exhausted than I do, because he can “bare” more before it hits. His body has adjusted because his base levels are higher.

He lives in pain, so if you were using a numbered system he wouldn’t even complain until he arrived at 6/7, where I’d be whinging as soon as it arrived.

“More tired” is an unfair way to phrase it, you’re working at different levels in different bodies.

He’s not being a dick, he’s also tired after working all day & doing half the nights!

I was exhausted when our baby was younger, my husband having a chronic condition wouldn’t have suddenly given me any extra energy with which to walk around in the dark for 2 hours at night so he could sleep. It’s shit, it’s hard, but it’s hard for everyone.

And what about the partner also functioning safely when out all day at work and doing half the nights?

It’s shit, but everyone is tired. I was exhausted when my baby was tiny and not sleeping, I absolutely couldn’t have also walked around for half an hour in the dark and rain every night.

Also. Can you get your iron levels checked again? Mine were low for years but always just above the cut off so the gp never said anything about it. It's only after reading posts on here that I realised that it might be a problem. Taking higher doses of iron supplements and being careful about how I take them has made a huge difference.

I would hazard a guess that most of the people replying here don't have a chronic illness that causes extreme fatigue! Of course you can be more tired than someone healthy. When my husband complains he's really tired, he's still capable of going for a run or playing football if he wants to. When I say I'm exhausted it means I'm in a ton of pain and can barely stand up for more than a minute or two.

If you can afford it, look into getting a mother's help for a few hours as many days as you can, then you can rest properly. I would also look into safe co sleeping so you can ideally nap with your baby when they sleep.

Sorry that you are struggling, but I think you are being unreasonable and unfair to your partner. He already does half the nights, thats more than most Dads. I think it's crazy unreasonable to expect him to take the baby out of the house in the evenings - especially when baby is crying so much. My youngest had a phase where he would have periods of inconsolable crying even whilst we tried everything to soothe him and it was awful, his doctors advice was to take him into a dark room to try and keep him calm, the thought of trying to take him out of the house when it wasn't for his benefit during that stage would have been an absolute nightmare.
You definitely need to find a way to get more rest but your partner is already helping as much as he can by the sounds of it.

Re him saying you should be going out- you're telling him you want and need to nap, then he should be helping you make that happen.

There's plenty of time in the the future for you to pursue a hobby, but in order to look after yourself and baby you need to sleep.

It does get better but it's terribly hard and you need more support. Can he take a break in the day so you can sleep then? And I wouldn't be so transactional, you might need a nap more than twice a week and he should be trying to help you with this.

Ahh I feel your pain but you really can’t ask your DH to do a full day at work, half the nights and then to go out the house for a couple of hours in this crappy dark weather.

Things that work to drown out baby crying are to shut all doors to the room, earplugs and white noise on loud. Being exhausted actually helps as your body will just eventually give in.

Knock breastfeeding on the head. I’m surprised you chose to do it when you need more sleep than the average person but it’s done now and you gave your baby a great start. Do you have a spare room? Might be worth getting DH to move into that room and split the nightshifts into DH doing 6-12 and you doing 12-5 or so.

Honestly he is doing half the night and also working full time. I think you need to find out why baby is crying all the time. Also sleeping with baby on you is perfectly fine. Honestly there is nothing wrong with that. just put pillows around yourself. Unless you are a drunk or on drugs your wont hurt your baby. Also it is ridiculous to have both of you not getting sleep. Id let hubby sleep and then get him to let you have a nap during the day. I don't doubt your drained and tired. But your going to have to find solutions. I had a baby with colic. He had to sleep on a raised surface for his comfort.

When you say you each do half the nights - what does this look like?

Taking turns in the same night getting up didn't work for us. We switched to 1 night each (just on weekends, I did all weekdays whilst on mat leave) I quickly learned to tune out when it wasn't "my night" and slept through mostly.

Do you have a car? If so go out when hubby comes home, put the radio on, cover yourself with a blanket and sleep for a bit in the driveway. If you drive go for a quick spin to a local carpark that has loads of ppl around and do the same, that way you are out of reach and hubby has to cope. Lock the doors, set your phone and crash out.

Do you have diagnosed ME/CFS?
What treatment are you having?

If so, your h is being a dick. He knew how much you needed to sleep before having a baby.

He should be stepping up and taking the baby as much as possible so you can rest. Agree he should take baby outside so you can't hear baby.

Tell him what you need.

What a ridiculous statement.
How on earth do you measure tiredness ?

But surely any decent person would if their partner had a chronic illness and desperately needed that hour to rest in order to continue to function safely?!

But OPs not doing it all, he’s doing half the nights and going to work

Exactly this. Ridiculous to think he should go and walk around in this miserable weather so the op can nap. She needs to leave the house.

I don’t think your husband should be expected to take the baby out at night after a full days work so you can sleep. You need to learn to take a step back and let your husband parent. Invest in some noise cancelling sleeping headphones (think there’s one called snoozeband) for your naps.

In fairness to your husband, it really sounds like he’s pulling his weight.

A few suggestions from me. Short term:

Do you have any family who can support you even once a week for a few hours? They can look after the baby and you sleep solidly for a few hours.

Get some noise cancelling headphones and use them
Try to get used to not listening out for the baby when you know your dh is looking after them. Get some rest.

In the longer term try to get a really good nap and sleep routine in place, even if you have to pay for a sleep consultant. A solid nighttime sleep will really help you.

Look after yourself op and ask for help when you need it.

Could you try some ear plugs to help you sleep while they’re still in the house? It sounds like that’s the main issue rather than your partner not doing enough