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Original poster

How much time is reasonable? Grandparent dynamic

34 replies

Unfreesd · 11/12/2024 07:59

My parents see my dd every Tuesday, we usually go out or to their house for a few hours until around 1:30-2pm. She’s 2.5.

I am working the rest of the time and like to have weekends with her or she will see her dad. My parents constantly pressure me to see dd more. I can’t agree to a week day instead of nursery as it wouldn’t be reliable (they regularly go on holiday, if we had argued they’d refuse to have her, they would want me to drop her later if they were tired etc and it would just be too stressful all round).

I feel like once a week is enough given that’s every week without fail. Around bank holidays or Christmas it’s more than that.

I feel so pressured and upset that there’s this constant request from them and they will often say in front of dd ‘mummy won’t let us see you at the weekend but we will see you soon.’

Im so tired of it and feel my boundaries and space are completely ignored. Am I being unreasonable not to make more time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unfreesd · 11/12/2024 08:16

Currentquandry · 11/12/2024 08:14

Also, might be an idea to miss a week now and then so you don’t feel so hemmed in. You get to choose, not them. Claim the power over your life, it’s yours not theirs.

@Currentquandry if I did this it wouldn’t go down well. They’d be saying a weekend day instead etc and how sad they were

OP posts:
Currentquandry · 11/12/2024 08:16

PS excuse typos—can’t find edit function on my phone!

Original poster
Unfreesd · 11/12/2024 08:15

I feel like once a week is enough, I know people who don’t see their parents for months at a time. I wouldn’t necessarily want that but they don’t seem to recognise that weekly is a nice thing.

I don’t want to have to arrange more time around them. It is a hassle for me if I am being honest, as I end up with no private life or ability to just plan my weekends how I want as I have to factor in ex of course and now them too it seems.

they even said it was a shame I was separated as it meant they had less time with dd!

OP posts:
Currentquandry · 11/12/2024 08:14

Also, might be an idea to miss a week now and then so you don’t feel so hemmed in. You get to choose, not them. Claim the power over your life, it’s yours not theirs.

Nine1224 · 11/12/2024 08:14

thepariscrimefiles · 11/12/2024 08:10

OP will already have weekends where she doesn't see her DD because her DD sees her father. OP is working 4 days a week and she sees her parents every week on the only day she isn't working. She doesn't need to set up a weekend custody arrangement with her parents. As a parents who works and shares custody with an ex-partner, OP probably doesn't want more time to herself, she would prefer more time with her child.

Show quote history

Fair points and I likely struggle to remain impartial as my son only sees his dad a day per month if he bothers, so often craving time to myself. My parents don't offer sadly!

Currentquandry · 11/12/2024 08:12

The “mummy won’t let you” phrase is a marker for selfishness and manipulative behaviour. I would stick to your boundaries and ignore. You are giving them plenty of access to your daughter and if you respond to these tactics the behaviour will get worse. I speak from experience! Stick to grey rock responses or say neutrally and unemotionally that you are glad that your DD gets to see them as much as they do despite your busy schedule—i.e. present it as an already generous amount of time (which it is!)

thepariscrimefiles · 11/12/2024 08:10

Nine1224 · 11/12/2024 08:02

Couldn't you leave her with them occasionally on a Saturday or Sunday so they can spend a full day with her and you can have some time to yourself? Is there a reason you don't want them to see her more? I think you're being quite rigid and I don't see the issue with them occasionally having her on a weekend.

OP will already have weekends where she doesn't see her DD because her DD sees her father. OP is working 4 days a week and she sees her parents every week on the only day she isn't working. She doesn't need to set up a weekend custody arrangement with her parents. As a parents who works and shares custody with an ex-partner, OP probably doesn't want more time to herself, she would prefer more time with her child.

crumblingschools · 11/12/2024 08:06

@Nine1224 if my parents were saying things like that to my DC they wouldn’t be seeing them at all.

They shouidn’t be pressuring OP

Nine1224 · 11/12/2024 08:02

Couldn't you leave her with them occasionally on a Saturday or Sunday so they can spend a full day with her and you can have some time to yourself? Is there a reason you don't want them to see her more? I think you're being quite rigid and I don't see the issue with them occasionally having her on a weekend.