How much time is reasonable? Grandparent dynamic

Let them say it but don’t give into it. Choose to feel guilt over feeling resentment. They’re manipulative and your guilt is holding you captive to that. Feel the guilt and do it anyway. The guilt will fade.

I always remind them that most people I know see their parents/grandparents once a month for a few hours..
But they still think it's not good enough. It goes without saying they are very needy.

Mine see my DS all day Saturday. Sometimes even a few hours on Sunday, on a Wednesday evening for an hour whilst I exercise and Friday after school for a few hours. Still complain it's not enough and get funny when I want to do something ALONE with him.

Be less available and 'blame' dd.. Enrol her in a few clubs/swimming etc.. Even taster sessions.. Surely they can't argue she shouldn't be going? Say it's weekly even if it isn't!! When she goes to nursery your time with her will be even less. You need to be resistant to the guilt tripping. She's your dc not theirs..

I agree with this. My MIL was recently quite unpleasant to me and it bothered me for a few days before I came to the same conclusion as what Birdssong said. So what if she's upset? I feel strongly I was in the right and at the end of the day, I hold all the cards as if she continued to be unpleasant it's her that would miss out, not me. Not saying hold your child hostage or anything but as long as you aren't being unreasonable, which everyone here agrees you aren't, then let them be upset, let them stamp their feet and have a strop and just say when they are prepared to stop with the emotional blackmail, you will continue the visits

Also what is it with grandparents wanting more or most time with grandchildren like there aren't any other family members to see or parents want their own space with their children?

They see them when they see them. They can live their own lives and stop trying to tread on their daughters/sons boundaries. They feel they're entitled to whatever time they want, unnecessary sleepovers and "popping over" every weekend, it's just short of wanting to move in! The parents want time and space with their own children without grandparents around. Surely as parents themselves you'd expect them to understand that you don’t want people hanging about and visiting all the time but apparently not. They become selfish if they weren't already and are obsessed with seeing grandchildren all the time yet fail to support their own grown children. If they can't respect their own children they don't get to see grandchildren.

You've said it yourself... once a week is enough.

That would be too much for me but if that's what you're OK with then they'll have to accept it. You're an adult and a mother. They don't get to dictate what you do anymore. She is your daughter and you make the decisions regarding her not them.

And saying to your daughter that you don't let them see her is manipulative and telling your daughter that you're "the bad one" which is not on. You need to stop that. That's nasty and strange of your own mum to do. She should support and respect your decision.

Bright and breezy and don't engage.

Once a week for people who, let's face it, you don't like or trust much, who aren't nice to you, and who are poor role models, is a lot.

I'm concerned by you saying so matter-of-factly "if they are angry they won't see us." That's not normal!

Get some counselling perhaps and practice saying if you keep up the guilt tripping, we won't come at all. You have the power to make a credible threat there. It will feel scary though.

When she goes to school, use that to break any unhelpful visiting patterns.

I’d be keeping contact to a minimum if they speak to you and about you like that. (and relocating at least 3 hours drive away).

They’re being unreasonable, selfish and manipulative. Every time you hear “mummy won’t let us see you at the weekend but we will see you soon” say nothing, pick up your coats and leave immediately. Follow up with a missed week and ignore their unpleasant response. Until they amend their ways and appreciate what you’re doing, keep away. As a grandmother I’m going to be blunt. You have what they want so have the power and should be in control here, not them. Stand up to them. Don’t allow them to treat you like a child who should be grateful to them. Don’t back down.

You need to tell them this is emotional abuse and if it doesn’t stop you will need to further limit any contact with your DD, as this is not the role modelling you want for her.

It may take a few times of you saying ‘stop your emotional abuse’ for them to change their ingrained behaviour, so you need to be consistent. If they won’t change, that is their choice.

It sounds like you are scared of them. And you are definitely being a child around them still.

You really do need to miss a week, and just not care what they say. You have to be strong with this. What are they going to do when she goes to school?

We had similar with dps. I just stood firm. We had similar over the 'mummy won't let you go' . I had words with them that ended in 'yes I won't, so you need to respect that'.

We had weekends just for us(DC &dh), occasionally we would go the park etc invite gps.
When DC started school gp would pick them up from school occasionally and go to their house for dinner.

Stay firm.

They are being a bit mad. Just bizarre. Manipulative and entitled. It’s weird behaviour, as if they should own your child.

Just try to develop a thick skin and ignore the pressure. Be bright and breezy.

I would suggest some counselling to explore your upbringing because I’m sure this isn’t a sudden display of weird behaviour on their part.

Once a week is more than enough. They’re being very unreasonable to say “mummy won’t let you” in front of your daughter. It sounds manipulative.

Agree with PP, you need to reinforce boundaries now and have consequences for their guilt tripping or this will get worse. Again, speaking from experience! Believe me I know how hard it is. But the alternative is worse, truly. I don’t know what your childhood background is but look up Nicola le Pera and her posts and the FOG website. You may start to recognise that this is part of an unhealthy dynamic and see where it can lead (them putting enormous pressure on you in later life etc.). Remember that you are doing this not just for you but for your DD. She needs to see that you prioritise her needs and yours, not them above the two of you. She needs healthy relationships modelled to her, not a relationship centred around guilt and obligation. If you do the work now there is still a possibility of rescuing a positive relationship with your parents rather than it leading to you being worn down by them and running around trying to please them or a build up of rage and fury. You and your DD deserve a good life together—don’t spend your life trying to please two people who will never be satisfied.

I agree. My mum had some v unhealthy behaviors towards me. She tried them a few times when DS was little and I said if that carried on we wouldn’t be seeing her. It stopped. Be very firm. They can’t manipulate you - you’re a grown up.

Try harder!! You are an adult not a teenager. You need to establish a new kind of relationship and you need to teach them to respect you - at the moment they aren’t.

The first times will be awkward and quite possibly unpleasant so you need to practise what you’re going to say and do - and then carry it out. Stay calm and friendly. Useful phrases might be ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what is best for DD. I’m her mother and I get to say what we do at weekends.’

I would stop going every Tuesday. It has become a chore and you will start to dread it more as each week goes by. Stop all contact for a couple of weeks and if you get push back, tell them you don’t want to be given the manipulative pressure every time you see them.

This! Get firm with them with a cheery smile!

Mum/Dad, this has to stop. I’m not having any more guilt tripping. If it carries on you won’t be seeing her for a while.

And then follow through. The next time they do it, you miss the next week. Basically you’re going to have to train them.

I think you need to tell them again to stop saying it and be really clear that if they don’t they’ll be a consequence.

I don’t think they should be pressuring you, but could you do an occasional weekend lunch? Or let them do some babysitting?

The 'Mummy won't let us' phrase sets my teeth on edge already. What is your relationship like with them? My dad used to say things like that to my kids, or 'Mummy's being mean' if I said no to something, and just constant putting me down or acting like I was the servant/babysitter. I ended up having to cut contact entirely for about a year when he just ignored conversations about it. He acts like it was undeserved and out of nowhere, but his behaviour has completely changed.