Parter lying about doctor's message

So rather than support him you’ve broken his trust and decided your way is better. Lucky guy. Hopefully he can find someone who might actually support him better if he did have a problem. Men and women are often very different when it comes to healthcare, DH once passed a lot
of blood in his urine (it was basically just blood) but as I was in bed decided to just clean it up and sort in the morning. By morning he meant lunchtime and then he said something like “I might have a bit of a problem”. It was all fine but the point is he’s dealing with it in his own way. You have no right to overrule that.

Do you think a person’s right to medical confidentiality is equivalent to hiding an affair?

The OP didn’t listen to the message because she thought her husband was lying.

I don’t think it’s double standards at all as they’re very different scenarios.

I agree with those who say that comprehensive skills go out of the window in these situations. And the message “don’t worry we need to talk to you about the scan” is very different to a message “all is clear, we discharge you as from today”. I’m not saying that OP’s husband is enjoying drama deliberately but some people are taking these sort of info with more drama than others. It’s not deliberate it’s just different personality. My mum would still behave as she’s got a week to live after this message so I’m not surprised.
But I’m surprised that people are so critical towards OP for the fact that she accessed DH’s phone. For all we know she might be absolutely beside herself with worry about her DH and trying hard to support him. It’s all good to say about privacy of medical information but if you are relying heavily on others for moral and practical support and your news affect them (and I suspect this is the case here) you owe them truth. OP’s husband is clearly so upset that he can’t even rely information correctly, I have a relative like this (my mum) and it makes life very difficult for nearest and dearest. One wrong word makes things much worse so you have to know what’s going on exactly to support the person whereas the person can’t pass the info reliably.
OP’s post was factual she didn’t want to moan, she asked for an advice but it didn’t mean that “ she doesn’t like the bloke or very critical of him” . If she was she would be indifferent to what’s going on. Cut her some slack.

He hasn't given you the full information.

It's possible he doesn't realise the message is saved and has gone into panic mode because all je has taken from the call is that that in itself means bad news, but it's such a serious misinterpretation of the message, which literally says "don't worry" that i can see why you're upset.

You've goven enough informstion to worry you but not the full facts which would reassure you.

So I think you need to ask to hear his messages "for your own peace of mind" that there is "no message" perhaps because yours automated, and see his reaction- does he look like the jig is up when it plays or is he genuinely relieved or still digging in that he didn't know it was saved and prepared to hear some reassurance from you and your interpretation of the message. The latter 2 I would take as genuine. And you need to get a sense now of if he is manipulating you or just a genuine bloke in a panic.

Look at it this way, if I was in his shoes and my partner said let's listen to your messages to be sure there isn't a saved message with more info and he heard that and could talk me down, I'd be pleased because it would feel like new information and a reassuring take on the situation.

I agree with this.

If I was having symptoms and a concerning blood test and then went for a scan for cancer, probably all I'd be able to focus on would be "the dr needs to talk to me, there must be something".

Did a part of you think that he was not telling you the full story? Does he have previous for telling lies, even small ones?

Or is he normally totally honest?

I'm just wondering if this was a gut feeling that you deep down knew he wasnt being truthful? Or if it's purely coincidental?

I have a chronic illness and am part of a big community of people with the same... no joke, people absolutely will milk the hell out of being ill.

Munchausens syndrome is surprisingly common. Not that I'm saying this is what your partner has, although if he is indeed enjoying on some level, seeing you worry and the attention he is receiving because of this. Then, it is along the same lines and it is also feeding his ego.

Ah @Houdogni sorry to hear about your parent and I can see why you felt the urge to listen. Don’t assume intentions from your husband. It’s a different scenario.

Fingers crossed for good news (or at least not awful news) today.

He’s catastrophising the situation. He’s only remembered part of the message and probably didn’t realise it’s still available to listen unless he actively deletes this. Just support him as his DP and allow him to ride the emotions as he feels them. There’s no right or wrong way to handle medical news.

You were desperate with worry , and people on here are chastizing you for looking at the phone, you did what was necessary as an (a case of needs musty sane person would..I would not have any qualms about doing it myself ( a case of needs must)

Oh, get off your high horse.

Mumsnet Collective posters - You think your husband is having an affair - check his phone/laptop or whatever.

Mumsnet Collective posters - You think your husband is lying about his health and you snooped on his phone? You are disgusting!

Double standards in spades here. 🙄🙄

Your medical history is yours and yours alone.
How you choose to share this, even with a partner/family/friends/MN, is up to you.
IF you choose to share this with your partner/family/friends/MN, you do it on your terms, not because your DP has snooped into your phone and listened to your PRIVATE messages, then broadcast it onto a public forum

I agree. ‘Nothing to worry about’ doesn’t mean there’s literally nothing. In my experience, doctors don’t ring to speak to you in person if there’s nothing to discuss.

Whilst I understand your concern, listening to his message was a massive invasion of his privacy and is an outrageous thing to do. You did it for yourself. He’s the one with cancer symptoms.

I hope the news is clarified for you both today.

@Houdogni if he is doubling down and you are not prepared to tell him what you heard, it feels like there will be no resolution until he's actually been to the GP, or spoken to the GP? Is that arranged yet or is he being quiet about when that is?

Utterly ridiculous comment

They do though. I’ve been told not worry only to find out it very much is something to worry about.

Can you offer to go with him for his follow up appointment?

I have cancer. I was told over the phone.

This is also how my husband and I are. We open each other's post, read messages if they pop up on each other's phone. I'm surprised how many other relationships aren't like this. I wouldn't think anything of listening to a voicemail on his phone and he would be the same on mine.

No excuse for phone snooping, especially when it's to find out confidential health information, and you then went on try catch him out by asking to hear the message!

If I was him I'd still be anxious after the message and be thinking that the scan may be OK but there could still be something wrong if the blood tests were worrying.

My DP had a MRI in October to try find the reason he was having seizures. Someone left a message about him needing to book to discuss results, said the “nothing to worry about” line but when we went to talk about what they found it certainly was “something to worry about”. I’m not even close to being any kind of medical professional but even I could see the scan did not look right, turned out he had a hell if a lot of damage to his left temporal lobe and no one know how or where the damage came from! The women saying nothing to worry about did absolutely zero to calm his nerves, clearly there was something wrong if they had to discuss, and clearly there was something wrong for him to even be sent for the scan!

Cut your dp some slack OP, this is even more stressful for him than it is you! Unless you have reason to believe he’s manipulating you for the attention then that’s a horrid thing to accuse someone stressed about going through a cancer scare of! You shouldn’t have listened to his messages but that’s done now, let him share things with you as he chooses, this is his health not yours.

They also wouldn't say nothing to worry about if there was.