“You sound like a great mum/aunt/nan” etc.

A well meaning acknowledgement that in your opinion someone is doing something well isn't patronising or offensive to most people. And if it is to some, well, that's a shame, but the benefit to those who do like it outweighs the risk others may not as far as im concerned. If someone posts their story on a public forum inviting comments, opinions will come thick and fast. And the complimentary ones will be the least of their worries.

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I agree. I have come across it and also think it is a bit weird and also uninformed, they don’t know the OP at all yet make a very sweeping statement. The only thing more annoying is the old “you sound very mean/ bitter/ you don’t come across well” when people are describing upsetting scenarios mainly based on preconceived stereotypes. Ie a stepmom having the tiniest gripe about the step kids however badly behaved “you don’t like them very much” or a woman having gripe with a man “he’s clearly abusive” whatever the scenario. It does get tiring to read these comments who don’t even try to understand the nuances of a situation and just Barrel in with their comments

What's wrong with being kind to others.. strange post 😂

This has been annoying me for a while. People describe a completely normal everyday situation and someone says they sound amazing. 😀 Bloody ridiculous

At the risk of sounding a complete curmudgeon, yes I agree with this.

Although - IMO the ones I really notice it tends to be those threads where the mum has come on to post that something has gone wrong - e.g. "my baby fell off the couch, I'm the worst mum ALIVE" and there's a flurry of "you sound like a great mum hun". I mean, I'm sure most kids fall off the couch at one point in their life, but it's neither an indicator of being a good mum nor a bad mum.

Do you not find it’s generally people telling mums who are floored and getting no appreciation for doing it all with no help? Or aunts who have ungrateful relatives or something? Or people who have everyone telling them their dog isn’t a good dog etc?!

Well I think you sound like a wonderful OP.

Doing great and everyone who reads it loves you!

I mean , the other day someone on MN was called a child abuser for feeding her child a veggie diet.
How can MN, especially AIBU, be NetMums? 😂

It's all a bit NetMums.

You are talking about MN? Have you ever been to an american forum? 😂

@Berga 😂😂😂

I was following two threads like this and they became like a fan club - then it started to get really cliquey and the OP only responded to one or two who would hang on their every word. If someone deviated from hero worship to point out a reality they were put in their place. I unfollowed and name changed because I felt uncomfortable with that level of devotion to a stranger's personal life...

It's often trotted out when somebody is claiming to hate their child or something similar. I think, "Op you're doing great, don't worry, you sound like a great mum" is really wrong to say in that situation. Pat on the back almost for saying you hate your child. It's also incredibly patronising. I don't generally comment on those type of threads but I always think Op would be better served being advised to seek support from Gp/children's centres/support groups than just being told, "You sound like a really good mum" ...

I haven’t especially noticed it on here. I see much more of posters being an absolute twat to others. Maybe I’m on the wrong threads 😃

I did have to leave a mum’s Facebook group for it though. It was ridiculous.

In some cases though, the person posting is clearly on the edge and spiralling about their own adequacy as a parent. There was a thread recently where a step mum was trying her best to genuinely figure out the best solution for all her extended family, and a few people told her that she sounded lovely and not to worry. What's wrong with that? She did sound like a caring person trying her best.

People who post on here often don't have other people to run these particular problems past. You should have seen the state of my mum group chat when our DC were babies and toddlers. I once called my friend a fucking genius for putting broccoli in Bolognese, and she responded to a picture of my sleeping baby by telling me that I was absolutely smashing it and the best mum in the world. Was it true? Well, yes and no. It's an acknowledgement that for whatever reason the "normal thing" (getting child to eat, getting baby to sleep, figuring out the correct amount of dog coats) has become very difficult for the person for some reason, and that they have tried their best, and succeeded in solving the problem. Small things are accomplishments too, if they are difficult for that person.

Sometimes it's just nice to be kind. Even on the aibu boards.
No harm in reassuring a burnt out mother that baked potatoes are an acceptable dinner for one night. I find it's the small things that make you doubt yourself as a mother , especially if you're someone like me who had an awful upbringing and doesn't know what it means to be a good mother. You find somedays you're just feeling about in the dark and someone saying nah you're doing alright can be just what was needed.

I think parenting is very hard and I don't think there can be too much support.

The only times I've seen this being said was in circumstances where a poster was genuinely concerned about something absolutely trivial and disproportionally distressed. Like worrying about being a bad mum because she ran ragged the whole day entertaining a toddler and then lost it and put them in front of a TV for 5 minutes to take a breath. I don't think giving them some encouragement and reassurance is a crime, even if we don't know if they are objectively a good mother every other minute of their day.

If someone genuinely means it fine

But it really comes across as terribly patronising when it is said for one thing about someone

I could use some banal platitudes of support now, tbh. Wouldnt find it patronising.

That's because the thread is called "I am being unreasonable?" Generally, if people know they are being totally stupid unreasonable/self-centred/inconsiderate etc and don't care, or are quite enjoying hurting others, they aren't going to ask!

Every so often, yes you read a thread where you think "surely you can see you are being totally unreasonable", but you presume they really aren't sure. Most people are nice enough to try to be helpful and give constructive support, because that's probably what the person wants, even if to some with different knowledge, they are being an idiot.

For example I've worked in education for 20 years. Sometimes people come on asking about schools, or asking whether they are being unreasonable for expecting the school to do a certain thing for their child. Sometimes I do think to myself "you're having a right laugh if you think anyone's going to have time and capacity to do that for your kid while they are looking after 30 others," but generally, I suspect they are people with no really information on what teaching is like, they've probably only looked after one or two kids at once ever, so I nicely point out why their idea is not really practical in a classroom, and suggest other things which might help. Not laugh at them for being self centred and daft!

Ok, it illustrates a point

Well this is the first time AIBU posters have been accused of being to nice!

Back in my day the dog owner would of been accused of animal
abuse and the baked potato mom, neglect.

It's meaningless if it's not genuine or based on actual facts though. I like being nice but I don't like lying or sugar coating.

I've seen it done and I do agree with the op in some cases.

I think when it's done because the op has done something that they feel isn't as good as it should be and are wanting reassurance then it's appropriate, and may help an op. I have a nervous friend who does need telling she's a great mum (she is!) Because she worries a lot and thinks she's doing badly.

But sometimes it's done to someone who is not really facing up to their actions and the post is very much trying to get validation for their choice. Often done because other people are saying that their action is wrong. In those cases it at best comes across as condescending and at worse is going to encourage someone to continue in their inappropriate actions.
I have certainly seen it done where I felt that if the op had done and was happy to admit it on a public forum (even with lots of justifications) then they were probably at best borderline abusive in rl. So telling them they were a great mum was potentially worse than just being condescending.