Husband not making contact for hours when at party

It’s my DH’s work Christmas do next week: he’ll be at work until about 2pm then they’re off out til late. Same every year, and I don’t bother to ring him - even if there was an emergency, drunk DH wouldn’t be my first choice for assistance. He doesn’t drink or go out much usually so it’s not an issue.

I can tell you one of our male staff members , was messaging wife at Xmas do .. lots of jokes about under the thumb . These are not places you see people texting all over the place

Meh, he was out at a work thing, hardly the crime of the century. I don’t see why he needs to check in constantly or why you needed to hear from him. What did you want him to say, if he’s back late anyway it makes no difference to you.

It's absolutley not okay to not let you know a rough idea of plans/when he'd be back. If it had been scheduled with an I'll be back late that night that would have been fine. But inexcusable to be out that long with no letting you know. You can tell him he's lost sex.

Don't listen to the people telling you his behaviour was fine- it's different when you have dependents- it's called being a responsible parent and having respect for your other half.

I see both sides. He needs to be contactable in case of an emergency. But it wasn’t an emergency and you knew where he was- at work lunch, then an activity and doesn’t take a genius to work out he went for a few drinks afterwards. I would concede that you went OTT trying to contact him but equally there is a problem if you know he’s going to be hard to get hold of should you really need to reach him e.g. sick child needs to go to hospital. I think you owe each an apology and a promise to do things differently next time.

I honestly don't understand why some MNers feel the need to respond to someone in a mean way. Where has she said she set a curfew. Just be kind.

You have my sympathies. My husband does this..... goes out with work and then I don't hear from him for hours, whereas when I go out I text him to keep him informed etc. we've been together for 25 years so I now accept he won't change, he goes out and forgets to text but he always comes home x it's easy to lose track of time when out having fun x

It was his Christmas party. You knew when it started so you must have had some discussion around it. Why did you not discuss finishing times then if you felt you needed to impose a curfew?

He was at a party. Unless he is doing this every night, or even every weekend, let it go. Stop being needy.
If I am out, I am not going to be constantly checking my phone to see if I have a message.

I hate this constant need to check what someone is doing
My DP has form for this - I explain that I am out, will be back later, and will ring when I am leaving
Every fucking time I get a phone call during the time I am out asking when I will be back. (Yes, I know this is my problem and I should be dealing with it, but that's a different thread!)

DH has 3 dos. One was 5 hours away Fri to Sun. One Friday night but coming home. One next Friday but stopping over. I don't hear from him. But I'm used to him being away for days / weeks / months.

Unless he had said he would be back as usual or to see dc before bedtime I would assume he would be late. He shouldn't be too drunk to get up and help overnight or in the morning if that is your normal though.

Also this.

Yeah this. I'm always surprised just how many mums can't suddenly cope with their kids on Christmas party work night, every year.

Heavens, it’s his Christmas party. Sometimes (you included) you just need to unplug for a while. Mobile phones can be a curse. If you ‘needed help’ then because he’s at a once a year function, and barring a medical emergency, you manage the home situation.

This.

Until about 5 minutes ago people were uncontactable a lot of the time and you just got on with things when problems arose. It's actually quite freeing to realize you can do this.

I don't think this was bad, but I'd suggest that you just tell him you would like to know that if he is out and about he is keeping an eye on any emergency communications, and maybe a heads up about when he's likely to be back. That's pretty reasonable and he'll likely agree if you don't go postal about it. It's a reasonable ask and the kind of thing that just requires a bit of communication.

He may have thought that you had a better idea of the plan, too, it's very common for people to have an unrealistic idea of the extent to which they have shared information.

How many times did you actually call or message him? It's his office Xmas party. I wouldn't expect updates from my husband.

This.

I must admit I have disdain for people who need constant contact and support. FFS.

It's a Christmas do; you knew he was socialising. I think it's reasonable not to be on his phone at all while he's out with work colleagues for an annual party.

It would be a different situation entirely if it were a weekly drinking session while you looked after young children. A Christmas do is a one off. Wanting him to get in touch is fine, but so is him ignoring his phone.

"What if there was an emergency?" - well, he'd be rather drunk I expect, so no use to you anyway.

Are you having a Chriastmas night out too? You should, and you don't need to be checking your phone on your night out either.

This sort of think has driven me mad with previous partners.

I'm at a Christmas party or I'm out etc. They know where I am approximately. In the unlikely event, anything bad has happened me there's feck all they can do about it anyway.

There's no need for this level of controlling behaviour. How on earth do you think people managed without mobile phones?

He’s a party. Let him enjoy himself. What help would a drunk man be anyway.

This is not a conversation to have at midnight when one of you is drunk and one has been dealing with a sick baby and toddler. Everyone needs to go to bed because nothing positive is going to happen tonight.

Big picture, I think neither of you are really wrong, you just need to agree on norms for your family that you can both be ok with.Tomorrow in a calm moment apologize if you had a go at him when he came home and tell him that you would have appreciated a text when the 3pm activity became late drinks just so you knew he wouldn't be home for bedtime.

The "what if there was an emergency?" thing is not going to be fair or productive; there wasn't an emergency for him to respond to and you (hopefully) weren't contacting him telling that there was. It's not reasonable for you to complain that he wasn't going to answer if that happened because that's pure assumption.

With Christmas nights out I think it should be expected that they will get in when they get in. That’s what we do, tell each other to have a nice time and see you whenever you get in

I would never chase DH to ask when he is getting in and he would never do it to me

If this is an every week thing it’s a problem, if it’s a one off then there is no issue

Did you not discuss when he would be back before he left?

If he planned to come home after the activity he should have let you know he was staying out .

But I never assume a drinking session would be anything other than an all day.

I really don't get the need that people have for "checking in". I would find it suffocating. He was at a Christmas do and 7 hours really isn't that long.