Husband not making contact for hours when at party

I think our opinions have collided before.

Nowhere has the OP indicated they are not okay with their husband having a night out. The issue that you have missed is that he didn't let her know beforehand or give any heads up that he'd be out for that long. Common curteosy. She did not require constant or even regular messages, just one.

Of course she can manage the children for one night- (although can I add that it NOT easy when they're that young) Your comment on this and declaring them a millstone comes across as rude and abrasive.

@museumum OP isn’t asking about you. Her husband didn’t mention a party, just an activity at 3PM so has not communicated his plans at all. I’m sure if her husband had communicated his plans, then she might not have been expecting him to contact her. As he hadn’t told her anything, it would have been nice for her husband to check in and let her know or at least apologise, when he got home, for not communicating his plans or even better given her a break after being out the whole day. If he’s too drunk to help, he can’t be expected to sleep-in again unless he is happy to go to work hungover so he clearly can’t have been that drunk to offer some help. Giving OP a break during the weekend is something he should be doing on a regular basis and not just this weekend to make up for his actions.

Stop using words you don't know the meaning of.

Gaslighting is a pattern of abusive behaviour, not a single internet post.
Alcoholism is an addiction, not one evening out on the pop.

Core characteristics of neuroticism include overthinking and catastrophising, worrying about worst case scenarios. Which is exactly what OP jumped to.

I'm normally someone who thinks people should update their partner on plans if they change - but he was back at 11, so it's not as though he was missing after pub closing time. You knew it was his Christmas do, and I'm sure you'd have told us if this was a regular thing, and so as a one-off I'd have not been worried

And if anything had happened with the children, I'm sure you would have coped. Plenty of parents do on a permanent basis.

I would have had a problem if he'd stayed out after pub closing without a check-in, as I'd have been worried about him - but it seems like you were only worried for yourself and annoyed at him.

I never had a problem with dong the childcare when the ex-H had a hangover and vice versa. Neither of us went out much, and it sounds like the same is true of your DH, OP, otherwise there wouldn't be this panic of him not being home to help you with the kids.

I think this is reasonable, but I guess to me "work Xmas do" implicitly contains "out for the evening" whether the official bit is in work hours or not. I'd certainly just assume anyone out for a work Xmas lunch would still be going well into the evening, unless they specifically told me they'd be home early (and even then I don't think I'd believe it).

Of all the days of the year, Christmas party day is one where I wouldn't expect dh home until the end of public transport for the night. He normally says he'll leave early, he normally does, but I think he should have the ability to carry on chatting with people if the opportunity arises. I am not his mother, and he's a grown adult capable of looking after himself. I don't need check-ins unless he was going to be out late-late / overnight and I'd be wanting to lock up and go to bed.

Your baby is not ill. He has a cold. Tantrums are normal with toddlers. Your DH shouldn’t need to contact you during a work Christmas party. I sometimes wonder how anyone survives.

If the situation was reversed, would he be checking in on you and wanting updates? If he would, YANBU about the double standards. Assuming he's not one of these ridiculous Dads who can't cope with looking after the kids on his own for the day, I don't think what he's done is too terrible as a one off.

Yes, if your need to have fun and get drunk precedes any notion of common decency because it’s such a faff to send a quick message to communicate. If you come home drunk and are useless the next day because you’re hungover just so your other half does everything. When you have so little to no regard of your spouse’s feelings because you don’t want to be seen as under someone’s thumb. When you are being rude and belligerent instead of apologetic after going awol for 7 hours leaving behind children who are unwell whilst one person does all the legwork without a word of appreciation. Just because you need to drink for hours on end then, yes, alcoholism is the right word.

I don't think I am obsessive about staying in contact at all, but I'd expect my husband to let me know if he was likely to be out for the evening (and we don't have small kids at home any more). I'd be fine if he'd just said in advance that he wasn't sure how long things were going on for and it could be late-ish. But if he'd originally told me it was a lunchtime do and given no indication that it might be any later than a normal work day then I wouldn't be thrilled if rocked up at 11pm having missed dinner (never mind childcare). It wouldn't be a major issue, but it wouldn't be how we normally operate.

instead he decided to indulge in alcoholism

He went to a Christmas party! This place is insane sometimes.

He could even have picked something up on his way home for OP. But instead he decided to indulge in alcoholism

Well yes, he could have picked something up for OP. Or volunteered his time at a local food bank. Or run a marathon for an animal shelter. But like most normal people, he went to his work Christmas party and had a drink 😂

I know a lot of people find it disconcerting that i dont answer my phone when I am out with friends and family.

Have had friends that i had to warn, read had.

He wasn’t unreasonable to stay out till 11. He was unreasonable to not let you know.

I think this depends on what information OP was given on the first place. If this work do was only described as a lunch and an afternoon activity, yes, I'd start to be concerned when he wasn't home by 8 or 9. But if it was clear that the evening was involved, no, I wouldn't be 'checking in'.

I think the amount of time he was out and the lack of contact is ok for occasional events BUT I would have expected him to tell me in advance that he was going out, then I wouldn't have been trying to contact him.

alcoholism 😂.. got to love this place.

I can see both sides, Maybe he was already pissed by 4pm so couldn't reply 😂 - 7 hours for a work Christmas do is tame - ours starts at 2pm and people have been know to be out till 4am the next day - OP, if this is a one off - let it slide, if there is a back story where he does this every weekend, thats a different issue.

Not having contact for 7 hours is hardly the crime of the century but it is a bit inconsiderate. I'd let it slide if it's a once in a blue moon kind of thing. I wouldn't expect to hear from my DH if he's out with friends/work, I'd just have confidence that as an adult he'll manage to get himself home in one piece as he always has done.

If there's an emergency call the emergency services!

I would assume that a work Christmas do that started at lunchtime would go on late into the evening and involve a lot of booze. Unless he's doing this every week I would just let it go OP.

Mine are adults now but I do remember being insanely jealous of DH's work outings when I was stuck at home with tiny kids.

@TheaBrandt Please stop gaslighting the OP. All OP’s inconsiderate and not-so-dear husband had do to was message and mention prior anything planned after the afternoon activity. If he could mention the activity after the afternoon lunch, surely he could have mentioned his plans as well? Instead he didn’t respond for 7 hours and was being rude and dismissive. He could even have picked something up on his way home for OP. But instead he decided to indulge in alcoholism and was unfair to OP. OP is not being neurotic for expecting common decency.

You need to agree the norms for nights out. Personally I think it's incredibly draining to not be allowed to cut loose and just be out once in a while. In our house, if one is out, the other is on duty at home and we don't need updates from either side. Yes, your DH should have dropped a text to say plans extended, but it slipped his mind. The rest of it is just you being pissed off that the kids are ill.

Exactly this. I miss the time of no mobile phones and expectations that you're constantly contactable and should 'check in'.

I know.

I'm 61 and have had one "emergency" phone call in my life, when my dad unexpectedly died 20 years ago. Who are all these people who must be messaging constantly and glued to their phones in case "something happens" or "an emergency arises!"??

Is it really that likely? I don't think so.

Your title has set people in a certain direction. Of course he should have let you know he was going out drinking. Do the same back to him and he'll quickly see your point