Husband not making contact for hours when at party

11pm sounds like a completely normal time to get home from a Christmas do.
I don’t know why you would be expecting it to be much earlier really.

This is the best response by far! ⬆️

Is this a one off? If so I can see his side tbh.

I very rarely go out, like once every 18m or so, and rarely really let my hair down. The last time I went out i said i was having just a few drinks, then messaged at about 8pm to say i was having a belting time and I'd gone to a karaoke bar for a few more. I didn't get in til about 3am steaming pissed 🤣 I was having such an unexpectedly good time the first time i checked my phone since about 9pm was to get a taxi and DP had been checking in.

I got similar grief in the morning - he was worried, what if one of the DC needed me and he couldn't possibly manage on his own, what if Thor fired a lightening bolt at the house etc. It felt a bit like the ONE night I'm free of parenting and thinking about adult stuff and stress etc. in 18m and I'm monitored and given shit 🙄

So in all honesty if it's not a frequent thing yabu. And make sure you get to go out too and have fun!!

Then yes you are defo not being too much.

You are not in the wrong OP.

Now if you said DH was at a work event all day that finsihed at midnight but complained he didn’t text you I would say YABU. Let him have fun.

If what you are saying is DH said it was an afternoon thing only then stayed out till 11pm with no communication or thought to send a quick “afternoon event was good, heading out for drinks be out late” then I’m sure you’d be OK with that. But he didn’t, didn’t even bother checking his phone to think about your or the kids for 1 second.

I am all for going out and enjoying yourself but as a mother I couldn’t imagine just not texting DH whilst he was at home with our sick kids to let him know I’d be out later. Or to ask how they are doing maybe.

I think what’s done is done, but maybe have some time out with friends soon and have a well deserved break x

Honestly op you sound resentful that he's having fun and you're not. What's he like generally? I think you need to explore why you're really so annoyed about it, because he's entitled to let his hair down without having to check in with you, but if you don't get any down time and are always left holding the baby so to speak, then resentment will inevitably build up.

I wouldn't want someone checking in on me and making me feel guilty for going out, but it's hard to say if you or he (or possibly both) are being unreasonable from your limited information. On the surface, it sounds a bit mealy-mouthed to complain about a Christmas party if it's a one off, but if he's regularly like this, that puts a different slant on it.

my partner does this and it drives me bonkers. Everytime he goes out he disappears for 24 hours. He stays at his mums and just doesn’t bother to get into contact with me. Every single time. I know he is 100% out with the boys, and deff at his mums, he just doesn’t have any consideration that I’d want to hear from him. I never go out at all so he doesn’t ever have it the other way around. We’ve just had our first baby, he did the disappearing act a couple of times while I was pregnant but so far he’s not been out since she arrived. I highly doubt anything will have changed now she’s here.

I think if it’s a one off then it’s fine, if you’d of messaged him saying the babies really ill then he’d of probably replied.
If it’s a common occurrence and he’s not fully pulling his weight around the house or you’re not getting enough free time away from the little ones, then there’s probably a bit of resentment creeping in.

I agree.

You'd assume that if he was working away, caring for a relative or abroad with friends the OP would have known about it before it happened. The crux of the matter is not that he left her alone for a night, it's that he didn't let her know at least a rough indication of when he'd be back. (Very disrespectful)

I find it hard to comprehend how people can have such low standards as to think that treating someone like this is okay. But each to their own.

These threads are always the same. There is always a mum at home with a poorly child coinciding with DHs night out 🙄

I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply

FFS. What would happen if he was working away? Or in hospital with a poorly relative? Or abroad with friends? Or god forbid, if you ever end up as a single mother?

Surely you can get through one night on your own without needing his "help"?

And what would he even be able to do anyway if he was out drinking??? It's not like he could come home and look after young children. Just leave him be. It's a Christmas Do.

Yes, YABU.

How do you think women manage with husbands that work away?

It was the Christmas party, lighten up.

You're using the excuse of a child becoming poorly when really it's resentment that he's enjoying himself.

Why would he give a shit? By 11pm, they will have been in bed for 4 or 5 hours so dinner, bath, cuddles and a Xmas movie. In fact, just what the OP should have been doing rather than getting aggravated that he was having more fun than her.

That being said it is important for each parent to be confident looking after children at home, including mental plans about how to deal with emergencies. It’s inevitable that crises will come up when partners are somewhere else or unavailable.

I tend to agree with OP. On one occasion my DH was out at a work do and didn’t give me the heads up about any unusual timing (doesn’t go out very often, usually home by 11ish). I woke up and panicked about 1.30 because he wasn’t home. I was actually really scared. He did come home not long after and had been for a late curry. I don’t consider myself needy at all and we can both manage the kids completely independently. So I think it was a failure of common courtesy. It’s pretty basic to let someone know that might worry about you if your plans will be different from typical in a generally respectful relationship.

@Florol

exactly! So long as both parents get equal opportunities to let their hair down, have a break etc I really can’t see what the issue is. Everyone (even parents) are entitled to some fun!

Of course its not fair, but this is what men do. He didnt tell you about the activity, because you wouldn't be happy
But dont worry, be cause when you have your Nursery Mums outing, you too can have a surprise activity cant you??

The simple answer to this is to do exactly the same, disappear for 7 hours and leave him with a poorly baby and toddler. I bet he’ll love that.

Nowhere has the OP said he was rude or belligerent. Nowhere has she said that he's hungover and unable to do anything today. Nowhere has she said that he didn't message because he didn't want to feel under the thumb. She has never said that this is anything other than a once off at a Christmas party. You're just making things up to justify your overreaction by calling this "indulgence in alcoholism".

A text to say that they were going out for drinks and it's going to be later than originally planned would be considerate.
But in the absence of that it's not a wild leap of imagination that the socialising has gained momentum and its going to be later. As time goes on, texting becomes less likely, so letting you know early on is the most practical answer.

As to what if an emergency happens? You deal with it. When DH was working abroad and my 3m old started wheezing (it was a heatwave) I called a friend over to mind my 2yo while we went to the hospital. Worst case, the 2yo would have had to come with us.

DH was working on another continent for a fortnight when I got shock news that a young member of my extended family had died suddenly. I ploughed on through the sadness and grief. DH did check in every few days when the timezones were compatible, but I withheld the news for 10 days until he was back as there was nothing he could do and there was nothing to be gained by him worrying about me.

The reality is you know he's out socialising, he's not going to be in a fit state to be helpful if he recieves notice of an emergency anyway, so you either deal with it solo or ask a friend/ neighbour/ relative for help. There's been times that I've helped friends in the early hours when they've called 999 regardless of whether one or both parents were around.

@KnigCnut Stop using words that you don’t know the meaning of. When @TheaBrandt call OP neurotic, it’s as though OP is being manipulated to feel that she has been in the wrong as though her feelings are not valid because according to you, OP possesses the core characteristics of neuroticism.

If there was an emergency, you phone 999 - it does not take 2 people to do that. You then accompany the ill child in the ambulance taking the other child with you.
If you are lucky you have a family member / friend / neighbour to look after other child. I looked after a neighbour's 4 children at midnight once whilst neighbour went in ambulance with the partner.

Than you send a text to your husband saying that child is on route to hospital in ambulance and you will meet him there / update him later with more info.

The OP hasn't said most of that! Talk about over egg the pudding.