Husband not making contact for hours when at party

Any works do activity at 3 is obviously going to end in drinks FFS! Get a grip!

Do you have to contact your husband during his Christmas Party? Why?

He was at a works party. Let the man enjoy himself. You sound suffocating tbh

Yes he should absolutely have let you know of what was happening after the afternoon activity. But what Christmas Day/night out ends at that time of day? I think you were perhaps a little naive to think there wouldn’t be drinks etc afterwards. However it wouldn’t have hurt him to let you know and he should have. My OH has an annoying habit of not taking his keys out since I don’t like going to bed with the door unlocked I have to wait up for him.

I don’t think I would expect my OH to be contactable during a social evening out. I mean, the chances of anything happening are miniscule. And if he’d been drinking he wouldn’t be much use in a crisis. It’s not like he would have been particularly helpful with the baby and toddler and parents do have to cope on their own sometimes. Just make sure you are getting out and having social time too and it’s not all one sided.

Are you always messaging him about where he is etc as it can be annoying when you are with other adults and someone is constantly texting wanting updates.

he should have said that he was fine and it’s turned into an evening bash and he’ll be back later so you knew not to be worried he was in hospital.

sounds like you had a shit evening at home but nothing did happen. You can’t live your life with what if something happened.

if something did happen that was serious and involved hospital etc and he wasn’t answering then you would contact someone else to tell him. This is why my husband has my boss number for emergency use only. We did this after my work office didn’t pass on the message that he was having a heart attack and being blue lighted to hospital and I carried on teaching all day leaving him to sort out childcare for kid etc as mobile phones not allowed at school. After this I bought a smart watch so I would get a text message at least.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be able to stay out late getting drunk, with my work colleagues (not real friends) of all people, knowing my baby was ill at home. I’d be looking for every excuse to leave early, and just straight-up tell people I have a sick child. They would understand. But then again, I am also a woman.

Maybe he didn’t want to speak to you as he knew you would be moaning about him going out for drinks after.

You sound precious, didnt knowwherehe was ... as you said he was at his works Christmas do. Sad he just cant enjoy it

I wouldn’t expect contact if I knew he was going out and if the activity was axe throwing or something I wouldn’t want him distracted by texts 😂

I don't think your husband did anything wrong although a quick text may have eased your mind. You are probably feeling tired and frustrated and we have all been there. Have a talk when you feel calmer, take the blame out of the conversation, and set some guidelines for future.

Exactly. You hit the nail on the head. It reeks of one rule for thee and another for me. Internalised misogyny has unfortunately been normalised. A lot of posters were also saying that they too would do the same if they were in OP’s husband’s shoes, and it just made me think that there clearly needs to be communication and mutual respect, especially if you’re parenting then you’d expect to be working as a team instead of leaving one person to hold down the fort.

Once your husband knew he was going out for drinks, then he should have told you. However, did he not tell you because he thought you'd not want him to stay for drinks and insist he came home? Is it possible that again, he deliberately didn't answer his phone because he knew you'd want him to come home and he didn't want too?? Of course it's immature and by avoiding the issue, he's made the situation worse. You need to tell him, that if a works Christmas party is going to go past the afternoon and he isn't planning on coming home until late, that's not a problem but he needs to tell you. He also needs to make sure he answers his phone in case there is an emergency and he's able to function the next morning!

And this. I think, is why they do it. It's about control, jealousy and not wanting you to have a good time without them. Set the expectations before you go out. "X is where we are going first but I have no idea what will happen after that or what time I will be home. See you in the morning. I probably won't respond to texts." Then turn phone off

I used to have Xmas dos like this though. The ‘activity’ would be dinner at a rooftop place or going on a boat trip then we’d carry on into the night.

But it wasn't a party - OP has explained it was lunch followed by an afternoon "activity" - that's not a party and I certainly wouldn't assume it was going to go on until 11pm!

I think no contact for 7 hours with the children the ages you have would annoy me too.

Why do men think they can do as they please yet women have to think ahead and plan round families?

If you know it’s happening fair enough and you’ve both discussed it.

If you had done this how would he react?

I think he’d not be happy about it. Ask him.

It was a work Christmas party! It would be quite usual to assume it wouldn’t end at 5.30, and that he wouldn’t arrive home in time for dinner, surely?

Fair enough @Oxforddictionary12. I think we both agree that it was inconsiderate, we just don't agree on the scale of wrongdoing.

I agree he should have let you know it was a night out rather than just an afternoon thing and then home. But SO not worth falling out over it OP. A bit thoughtless of him but not the end of the world. I'm sure you've had nights where you're enjoying yourself and 5 hours disappear in a flash!

There isn't always a plan. That's the beauty of being a grown adult on a night out 😃

Tbf this is probably more about benign mismatched expectations. Some people might expect their SOs to think about them as soon as something changes and update whereabouts and take it personally when it becomes apparent the other person just didn't think about them for one evening (caveat - imo this really is harmless if the person isn't out doing this all the time), and others are more relaxed and assume alls OK, they are a grown up probably having a good time, no drama if they don't provide key updates.

Probably also about how people see parenting. If someone's the type of parent that requires the other to be on standby and always be grateful for any time they get to themselves facilitated by the other parent then I can see why not updating is a big problem, as that's probably part of the gratitude/proof of being thought about thing.

Also agree with pp I suspect there's also a touch of "I'm stuck in while he/she is out". Which again I'd understand a bit more if it was a frequent thing. But doesn't sound like it is in ops case.

The sex part was a joke. But jokes doesn't come across well on mumsnet and I forgot to add an emoji.

I'm not uptight. I just believe in letting a significant other know if I'm going to be late back and vice versa. In my opinion that's just having a basic level of politeness and consideration for others. All the OP wanted was one text to acknowledge he was on a late night, but how dare she infringe a husband's and a parents liberty to be a free person without responsibility. How dare we have any expectations of others.

Enough on this one now. I'm obviously not going to sway your opinion no more than you're going to change mine. We're going to have to agree to disagree. Bid you a good day.

@Sunnyday123456

good advice here OP! Get a night out arranged with your pals!

He may have been fine but he was only fine because he assumed that his wife would be at home with the children enabling him to stay out and be fine.

Obviously everyone needs to be able to get space and let their hair down from time to time. But it needs to be coordinated with the person you're sharing parenting responsibility with. Different if you've no kids, but once you're a parent you have responsibilities that you share. I think it is disrespectful to assume that op will hold the Fort with the kids for so long with absolutely no prior agreement. That's taking someone for granted. I also find it hard to believe that if op took herself out for a 2pm lunch with mates and still wasn't home by late that evening, that her husband wouldn't be trying to contact her to see what her plans were and if she was OK. These scenarios usually tend to follow the pattern of men heading out and women left holding the baby and there's a reason for that - it's because women are expected to take on the lions share of caring responsibilities and to be able to manage alone. Just look at the number of people on here who have responded to say they'd judge a mother for not being able to cope alone. It's internalised misogyny.

To me it's a respectful consideration that's easy to show your partner by simply messaging to say party is running on, I'm having a good time are you still OK to hold the fort while I stay out? To me that is working as a team with good communication rather than it being a control thing. You're not asking 'permission' from someone, you're just respecting their time and the labour they're putting into your family while you're doing other things and acknowledging their role in that.

He didn’t just disappear, you knew where he was and what he was doing. If I’m out socialising, I refrain from checking my phone because it’s rude. He was having fun socialising with colleagues and it’s a one off by the sound of things, he isn’t constantly out getting drunk.

I can understand why you’re upset because you were in the crap situation of being stuck at home with small children while he’s having fun and I’ve been there before, it’s just pure resentment and jealousy tbh. Arrange a social event with your friends and let loose.

Your child had a cold FFS. What update did he need exactly???