His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

Yup! Basically, ‘I have no rational basis for any of this, but I’m not going to let that stop me!’

Oh don't get them started on why no married person should ever need to make a new friend of the opposite sex.

(My most unpopular MN opinion might be that I don't think I believe in emotional affairs.)

It was brilliant (and beautifully shot) and also horrifying, but while bleak it doesn't leave you feeling totally hopeless.

"Unwittingly seductive" is not a phrase I'd previously associated with it though.

How does life work? People have affairs?

Of course they do, but it’s literally impossible to prevent it if someone is minded to be unfaithful. OP could ban her partner from music sessions with this woman. That would be terribly controlling, and if he was minded to cheat anyway he keep seeing her in secret, or start chatting up the woman at the McDonalds Drive-Thru instead.

This is a classic mumsnet thread. Someone posts about their DH having a friendship with another woman (often with a reason for the friendship e.g. a shared hobby) and other posters whip them up into a frenzy of suspicion. All this stuff about "playing music with someone being especially intimate" - come on. If this were the case then nobody should have a relationship with a musician and orchestra pits would degenerate into orgies.

@EvieR It might be the start of an affair, but more likely I think it isn't (unless there's any other evidence). You just have to trust him because that's how relationships work. You can't and shouldn't monitor your partner all the time. To me at least, that's partly what love is - having faith that my partner won't cheat on me. I get that it can be difficult if you've been cheated on in the past, so maybe you should discuss this with him, but I don't think trying to stop him doing music with her is the solution.

Was it brilliant? I admit I wimped out of seeing it, despite the reviews, because it sounded as if it would be horrifying viewing.

But yes, texting about Senegalese migrants’ attempts to get to Europe is pretty much you filming yourself dancing clad only in baby oil and a smile, and sending it to your friend during ‘family and couple time’. (Which I be,iI’ve is what other people call ‘the weekend’?)

Indeed. When I hear about ‘emotional affairs’ I tend to think: do you mean they’ve made a friend?!

I see we’ve reached the height of condescension part of the thread, where the cool confident women sneer down on those who understand how life works while using completely unrelated scenarios to justify their condescension.

There was a recent thread where messaging a female friend about a film was condemned as "imposing on family and couple time" and tantamount to sexting. The previous week I'd messaged a male friend about Io Capitano, which we'd seen in the cinema a few months back. Had no idea that a text about the horrors of the Saharan migration route could be construed as so flirtatious.

‘Come and try not to wince as I try to remember my scales in a free school music room at 11 on Tuesday? Bring your violin’. Surely a date that would whip the knickers off any red-blooded woman.

Yes, and the cinema is ‘date territory’. Which someone should clearly have warned my male friend about as, instead of being delighted to find someone else interested in a black and white documentary about a Russian Orthodox nun, we were clearly supposed to be in transports of sexual pleasure in the dark of the back row.

Can you imagine the reaction on the OLD threads if a man suggested that as a date!

I see we've reached the "spidey senses", "vibe", "gut instinct" section of the thread. All the most paranoid, jealous people I've met have used those phrases.

That's an interesting observation and on the back of it I think you're correct to have your spidey senses tingling.

Some posters seem a bit naive, how exactly do they think affairs start ? Most people don't deliberately set out to cheat on their partner but proximity and shared interests are contributing factors.

Not sure what I would do in this scenario. I guess meeting her is a way to go, maybe develop your own hobbies and interests although you probably have these already.

Or simply address it. Like you both myself and DH deliberately avoid situations where we would be on our own with someone of opposite sex on an ongoing basis. I'm sure some find that very amusing. But just state how you feel "I'm feeling a bit insecure about the time you're spending with Joanne, should I be concerned?" Of course he will say no, but if there is anything going through his head then he will need to face it rather than ignore it.

Meeting on school premises, between classes, to play music = a weekly date.

MN is wonderful. 🤣

Yep, women ignore their gut instincts far too often. Or are told they’re not being reasonable to feel that way. But when we feel something is not right, it’s wise to listen to that feeling.

I think it's fine on the school premises - they might start getting the kids involved and do some extra curricular with them which would be fantastic - there are not enough children interested in learning an instrument - you should suggest this to him.

I'd be OK him going round if there were a few colleagues.

I think some posters are ignoring “the vibe” - I bet OP’s partner has lots of female friends and colleagues and sometimes hangs out with them but THIS is giving her a weird vibe. I’ve only had it once in my life and I was totally right.

I’d be wary about this too. It’s not the same is it as two existing friends deciding to jam together. It’s a new attractive friend and a weekly private meet-up to make music together. If my DP told me he and X were meeting up in a practice room together I’d want to know exactly what they were practising for ie there’s a purpose to this perhaps getting something together for the Christmas concert. Otherwise basically it’s just a weekly date.

not read all replies but when you say they are teachers and meeting between classes - does that mean they are practising on the school premises between classes they teach?

The constant watchfulness and mistrust must be exhausting for these people. You almost wonder why they bother with relationships at all.

Absolutely not. It's always the "in work friendships" that you "don't need to worry about" that turn out to actually be something to worry about.

Short of never being alone with someone of the opposite sex, which would clearly be mad

I agree but this flies in the face of MN "wisdom" wherein any innocuous interaction with the opposite sex is HOW AFFAIRS START

He’s either the sort to cheat or he isn’t. Short of never being alone with someone of the opposite sex, which would clearly be mad, there isn’t much you can do to insure against possible future feelings developing.

For what it’s worth, I don’t even think having the odd thought that someone else is attractive, or has qualities you like, is a bad, relationship threatening thing. I’m monogamous but not naïve enough to think my partner won’t ever fancy anyone else. As long as he doesn’t act on it, he can be friends with who he likes, and have whatever private thoughts he likes!

Does your partner not get to have any hobbies or interests of their own? Must you be involved and is it ‘telling’ when/if they don’t want you to be?!

OP, seriously. Please don’t engage with this sort of thing. Herein lies the way to madness.