His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

In fairness, he plays piano, so more likely to be plinkplonking ‘Für Elise’. But yes, unromantic in the extreme. Anyone who wanted to rip my clothes often hearing my halting efforts on the cello after I took it up again would have had have been wearing noise-cancelling headphones.

What, squeaking out Frere Jacques on a violin in a school classroom? Truly the stuff of Mills and Boon....

Well, if you'd read Jilly Cooper's Score!, you'd know that orchestra members are pretty much engaged in numerous affairs, if not massive orgies!

It's weird that he isn't practising at home. Surely, after not playing for 15 years, he will be very rusty and would want to take any opportunity for practice to get back to his former level of proficiency. This makes me think that it is more about being with this woman than the actual music.

I’m being sane.

You're being naive

This is they type of thing I mean. You say "he is seemingly having his happiest moments his colleague" but where does this come from?

I'm not particularly possessive or jealous. I think though I would feel uncomfortable with this set up. People do bond over shared interests and after spending time together. Yes, I did play as a child too and that doesn't stop me thinking it might well lead to more given that he is seemingly having his happiest moments his colleague rather than with you. I think I would talk to him.

Music does make people happy. Studies have shown that singing or playing instruments with others has a positive effect on mental health and creates a sense of well-being. I'm surprised that Mumsnetters who are members of choirs or orchestras haven't popped up to reassure you.

I don't see why this couldn't be taken absolutely at face value. Why wouldn't he be filled with enthusiasm after finding a way to mentally reset in the middle of a busy work day?

That is adorable!

I still remember the initial excitement of the early stages of getting to know someone who would become one of my closest (female) friends, and still is over 25 years later. I was completely charmed by her, had not met anyone like her before, and definitely had mentionitis. I’m sure my then DP (now DH) was sick of hearing about her long before he ever met her.

Oh god yes if you say you met someone cool it's mentionitis and if you don't it's secrecy.

Yes, I think it's perfectly natural to lean on friends for emotional support, and in many situations a friend or even colleague might be a better source of it than your partner. When I had a crisis of confidence in my career many years ago I turned to friends in the same industry (some were men! in relationships! who I met up with one-on-one! and hugged!) because as caring as DP was, he doesn't really know much about the industry.

I also still enjoy meeting new people, especially when they share my taste in film or music or sport or politics, and frequently come home from events telling DP that I met someone fabulously interesting and witty (sometimes they are men!) and will hopefully see them again soon.

None of the above means I want to sleep with any of these people.

Yup. Also, ‘I will monitor your facial expressions around this person, count your mentions of their name (the dreaded mentionitis!) and also be extremely suspicious if you don’t mention them (what is he hiding?!)’

Bloody exhausting.

But ‘open and honest’ in Mn terms often appears to mean ‘can only be conducted in my presence, and I must be privy to all text communications and pre-approve meetings, which I deserve the right to attend’. I couldn’t handle that level of suspicion and paranoia, and like hell is anyone vetting my friendships with anyone.

And off we go.

I think that ‘emotional affairs’ are almost always jealous nonsense. I’m not debating this with you.

Do you have a mutual friend who may coincidentally be looking to get back into their musical hobby or know one of their colleagues well enough to scope out what's going on through them if they're meeting up with them too?

I don't think there's enough information to say what's going on yet, but also the fact she is around his age, his physical type, and he was talking about her a lot and now they're looking for ways to meet up outside of school aren't especially good signs.

And the black and white documentary about the Russian Orthodox nun (‘Mother Vera’) was mesmerising. If my poor friend had actually planned an assault on my virtue in the back row, he’d have found me very tough work, as I hissed ‘Get your hands out of my jeans, Martin, you’re making me miss the subtitles!’

There’s a difference between a friendship which is open and honest. An EA is when the dp prioritises the ‘friend’ over his wife, ie, i s constantly texting her, having (often secret) rendezvous, tells the ‘friend ‘news before his wife, is emotionally engaged with her (eg sends text ‘missing her’ love hearts etc) etc.

Yes, I’m with you, @gannett and @DownThePubWithStevieNicks — ‘emotional affair’ seems to be a hostile way of describing a friendship that would be completely unexceptional if between two women.

I think it’s perfectly possible that, if you’re someone who’s never had an opposite-sex friendship and think it’s somehow inimical to marriage, that you might confuse the normal excitement of a new friendship with sexual attraction, but I’ve relied on male and female friends alike for emotional support at tough times and (1) have never slept with any of them and (2) am convinced it’s helped, rather than hindered, my marriage. No one should be dependent on a single person for all their emotional needs.

Glad you’re all having fun but funnily enough I have male friends who I meet up with one to one but ALSO believe that sometimes normal people do get a feel for when their partner is having feelings for someone else. Perhaps OP is wrong and I hope she is, but she may be right and either way she should talk to him.

It’s not great to sneer at people having these worries, it’s clearly not a nice thing to feel.

🤣🤣🤣

Thank goodness it’s not just me. I leave the ‘emotion affair’ posts alone for just this reason.