His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

How can you possibly know?

Hmm
I wouldn't be doing this regularly at school if I were them. People notice. Rumours start. They'd be far better off if it were a small group of them.

No, not just that but teachers are taught that the other person in an intimate setting could make up stories, fix on the fact of an intimate private time meaning more than it actually does and also be fodder for others witnessing that. Teenagers have vivid imaginations, are prone to crushes and adults need to protect themselves. Op's husband also needs to give a little thought (as he probably has done) to how his music friend could feel, react etc. He has probably rightly assessed that it is merely a music connection.
He, never-the-less, leaves himself vulnerable to possibilities unpredictable if he routinely shuts himself in a small room with a female friend.

It begs the question why does he need to bother making up an elaborate story about Rachel, violin playing, etc?

If you aren't married, don't have DC, and possibly don't have a house together yet etc (my assumption), lets be honest here, he's free to head off into the sunset with Rachel if he prefers her that much. The fact he still chooses you as his partner must count for something.

I'd definitely express your misgivings or discomfort about his association with Rachel especially if his meet ups with her, take away from the free time he could be spending with you.

I'm not saying all men and all hobbies. But it's not uncommon for men who suddenly find pottery riveting (whilst having a simultaneous desire to text a female from that class) to find the contents of her knickers rather more compelling than that of the kiln. It really isn't nonesense.

By "story older than time" do you mean "cliche that doesn't bear any resemblance to reality"? The idea that men only take up hobbies to pursue attractive women is just nonsense.

You could have the conversation with him now in a "this is how we could navigate our emotions going forward" way. He could do stuff to set your mind at ease (e.g. sending you photos of the rehearsals, organizing a social occasion with her or something). I wouldn't accuse him of being naive about his feelings though - more "I feel x, would you be willing to help me with this?".

Yes. If someone's going to cheat they're going to cheat. You can't stop them.

You can however make a lovely partner unhappy by controlling their movements and being suspicious all the time.

I dunno, I'd reckon that if people work together and want to start fucking they'd just do it on the quiet rather than doing amateur dramatics or whatever.

Just here to comment on the hilarity that was @ThatTealViewer post - at 48 I'm definitely not 'past that sort of thing' and sorry @EvieR but i definitely like 30something men!

Is she single, that's what you need to know.

No, I'm just saying that in my experience the vast majority of men who suddenly start to show a remarkable interest in the piano, tennis or amateur dramatics - which by sheer coincidence also happens to be the pursuit of the rather attractive "Jane from Accounts" - should raise suspicions. It's a story older than time and hardly jaw droppingly cynical is it.

By that logic then you're screwed - anyone you date will cheat on you and you can't do anything about it (unless you can monitor them 100% of the time which is unfeasible).Might as well just be celibate or have an open relationship.

Stop adding to OP's anxiety. She's obviously not stupid, but currently hasn't been given cause to think her husband is cheating.

Agree with this. Sounds like he might be getting a confidence boost from time spent with her :(

@EvieR

"I actually can't ever imagine him physically cheating."

That's what I said about my DH of 26 years. It's also what 2 of my best friends more or less said about their husbands. One actually laughed when confronted with the truth. Apparently he was "too fond of her home cooking to stray". Well, they did. Trust me, even the least likely men can, and frequently do, find somewhere else to stick their dicks given half a chance.

Yeah, but just having a female friend that you do an activity with is on the OK side of the balance. If he said he was going to rent a cottage for the two of them and practice for a week or something then I'd say you'd have more grounds, but they're just practising in a school class room ffs. If she were blowing his horn (sorry, been resisting the musical innuendo all thread) then they'd potentially be seen by children and get sacked.

The thing is that most teachers are women, and most teachers who make a career in the profession don't stay at the same school. So, even if a male teacher is working in a school with mostly male staff, that will likely change with the next workplace.

If you have a male partner who is a teacher you will have to get used to the fact that he has the opportunity to meet and become friendly with women. Schools can be a tough working environment so occasionally those friendships might involve supporting each other at a low point and becoming emotionally close.

One of my best (male) friends works in HR which is female dominated and at one point he was the only man in his team. His wife admitted that she felt jealous when he talked about his day and would mention his colleagues in a positive way, but she realised that she had to basically suck it up because what else could he do apart from be stand-offish and unpopular? Like the OP she traced these feelings back to a previous relationship with someone who had been unfaithful.

The actual problem is that the OP feels insecure but given the situation her husband is in, the pragmatic solution might be to find ways to feel more secure. Because someone who wants to have an affair will do so anyway.

Or that she told him his fingering needed work. Bish-boom.

It’s just as possible that after the initial flush of enthusiasm, he discovered that he’s nowhere near at her level and started finding it demotivating. Or she told him he needed lessons. Or for whatever reason it stopped being enjoyable

I used to regularly go off-campus for lunch with a colleague from another department, and it became a kind of informal book club of two for books from a specific area. I stopped it when it stopped being enjoyable, when I realised he was preparing notes and treating the whole thing like a viva in which I was the examiner and he was the candidate.

Why would you try to be 'cool'? Seriously, whats in that for you? Wave your partner off to do his thing with Rachel with a fake smile on your face then sit there in knots in case the friendship is crossing lines? The notion of being cool was not invented for your benefit and belongs in the bin, to be replaced by being authentic and assertive within your own relationship. So if you are concerned he's getting too close to Rachel, have a conversation. Lay down the boundaries you expect in a relationship. Its then up to him whether to comply or compromise, but you'll at least have had your say, raised your issue and been genuine.

There’s definitely an in-between. The issue is that you appear to be leaning pretty far into ‘too jealous’ at the moment…and the usual suspects have emerged to nudge you over the edge.

I’ve seen how these things can go and I’d genuinely just hide this thread and crack on if I were you. You’re probably more anxious now than when you posted.

Sorry!

I would definitely be keeping an eye on it. I have seen many affairs amongst teachers over the years and they usually start with visits to each other’s classrooms.

I would also wonder why he is not practising if he thinks the music is so wonderful and the mentionitis stopping would also be a sign things are developing.

Affairs are rife in schools and also apparently in orchestras according to a musician friend.

Not definitely of course but certainly possible.

I would ask him how practice went, if he wants something to progress with her he will be trying to compartmentalise it.