His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

It’ll be interesting to see how he is over the Christmas holidays. If he texts her, is a bit absent (thinking about her) or critical about you, then You know you have a problem.

You could argue that even one text is one text too many, unless he texts all his work colleagues ( including hairy Kevin from accounts).

I told him I don't spend one on one time with men because I no longer want to while in a relationship. He wants to be able to have female friends and doesn't agree with this approach so it can be a sensitive topic.

Sorry OP but this is bonkers. I mean, if that’s a rule you want to impose on yourself then fair enough but you can’t expect your partner to abide by it. There’s no way I’d agree to this if a partner requested it. My friends, male and female, are important to me and I wouldn’t alter how I conduct those friendships for a partner.

You're going to get a lot of different opinions here - some more chilled than others. At the end of the day, you know your husband and we don't. And women do have a fantastic intuition... If you're worried, talk to him, OP. Be as open as possible and explain you don't want to stop him doing the things he loves, but that you're a bit concerned because of X, Y and Z. See how he reacts... that's usually telling in and of itself. I think communication is key here. Best of luck with it. :)

@Alalalala
Respectfully, you're an example of the problem here. You immediately jump to the worst conclusion. Here's a bit of your post with my notes:
"He's excited to spend one on one time with a young woman (who is in her forties, ten years older than him) who is exactly his physical type (has red hair) he has mentionitis (contradicting what OP said) and his mood has been boosted recently (OP said, specifically in response to you that "I didn't mean he has been happy, I mean we have been happy as a couple")".

There's a definite cohort on mumsnet who come onto this type of thread and frame the posters' DH's behaviour in the worst possibly light, thus boosting the OP's anxiety. I'm not having a go at you specifically, lots of posters do it. I assume it's coming from a good place. I assume many of these posters have been cheated on and, like recovering alcoholics who see the risks of alcoholism in every casual drinker, see cheating men in every relationship. It's really unhelpful though. The advice is usually to set boundaries (i.e. tell your partner who they can and can't see), while this might work, it's more likely to be counter productive.

I also think that if the only way you can stop your partner cheating is by banning contact with the opposite sex then your relationship isn't worth shit anyway. Either you think (not feel, think) that your fears are valid, in which case get rid as if he's not cheating now then you think that he will in the future, or you think that your feelings are fucking with you, in which case discuss it like adults - but don't lay down the law.

I’m sorry Op but I don’t think you’re being paranoid. He’s excited to spend one on one time with a young woman who is exactly his physical type, he has mentionitis and his mood has been boosted recently.

Talk to him about how you feel and discuss boundaries in your relationship.

@EvieR I agree with everything you have mentioned in your recent post. Take things at your own pace, you need to feel ready to question a few things.
However, I work in a secondary school & my daughter is also a teacher. It would be highly unusual for 2 non music members of staff to be playing an instrument together during the school day. An after school music session for all staff who wanted to join would be more plausible.
My suggestion would be to ask how they can practice together whilst being paid to work (in a non judgemental way) & can anyone join in. Maybe it's at lunch time playing session.

So you say they are meeting between lessons - in the school then? If so, it doesn't sound like anything to be concerned about.
Why not suggest he joins a larger music group outside of school.
And why not just admit to him that you're struggling to suppress feelings of jealousy and you have previous experience of someone cheating on you which has stayed with you.

I stayed 3 weeks alone in an air bnb in someone's NY apartment while the usual residents were all home for Christmas. There was a piano, and it felt like the most wonderful thing in the world, I hadn't played since childhood and all these songs I used to know came back to my fingers. It was indeed very romantic, but in a connecting with myself way. I've been treasuring that experience ever since, bought myself an electric piano. I say all this to reassure that BF could really just be very happy to be using that part of his brain again.

The thing is, you say that your relationship is stronger than ever. Either way if it's more sex or more gifts it should be something to be curious about. More sex might mean he fancies her socks off but he's not developed anything beyond friendship with this musical friend but gifts and hugs etc could mean he's guilty/keeping you sweet so he might continue his liaisons. If you're getting the sex and the presents then he's probably fancying her socks off and nothing more and is taking his lust out on you and also treating you out of guilt

Following him or attending the lessons may just backfire if all is platonic. Guys like to have trust and be trusted the same as we do when we say we are having a sleepover with a girlfriend watching movies and wine.*-)

Good luck OP, I hope an honest conversation can sort this situation out in a positive way.

I played all brass instruments for 20 years and then had no time. I am passionate to pick this up again now I have more time...mind you ai have more time because I'm now divorced 😆. He is obviously enjoying it, I don't think he is necessarily adding more strings to his bow....

The Christmas party will reveal all! Teachers are notorious for letting it all go at the Christmas party!

Could be very innocent, however think about the following:

• Are they music teachers? If not, why the sudden reinterest in playing an instrument & how was the shared interest recognised between them?
• Has he, over the past 15 years ever been interested in musically 'playing ' with a man.
• How do they both have the time? I work in a secondary school.....teachers are so busy, there are not enough hours in the day to fit in teaching, marking, rehearsing, attending staff meetings etc let alone playing an instrument with a colleague.

I am hoping it's innocent at least on your husband's side.

The fact that the mentionitis suddenly stopped would make me suspicious. Like he is consciously trying to not mention her and make you suspicious.

You should go with your gut.

I would say they probably should be!

"If you mean the world to him he will treat you with respect when you discuss your feelings, not just dismiss them."
@Atinybird That is a very good way to put it.

Absolutely talk this out with him!

If you're as close as you say you are, communication is key.

Just say about your music lessons, I'm feeling a bit insecure right now, and im concerned about the male/female set up.

You're right; you can't ban him. But you can have a candid open conversation about it.

I haven’t read all the posts but can see there is plenty of sensible advice on here. I would just say, this scenario struck a chord (pardon the pun) so I would suggest, if you feel vulnerable tell him.
If you mean the world to him he will treat you with respect when you discuss your feelings, not just dismiss them.
Trust your gut, some people are unashamedly manipulative, just because you make friends with them won’t stop them from breaking up your relationship to get what they want. x

Invite her for dinner to your home. Tell him you want to meet her and hear them play together. How they interact will tell you all you need to know.

I don't think you should mention how you feel about this as I don't think there's any positive outcome from doing so.
I do believing in just trusting until proven wrong because the other way round risks throwing away good relationships by being jealous and paranoid.
Yes sometimes the jealousy and paranoia could turn out to be justified but personally I'd rather be a fool who was taken in than someone who ruined a good relationship by being too controlling and jealous.
I don't think you can hang on to cheaters whatever you do anyway. Decent men won't cheat.. they don't get lured away by close friendships with other women because men don't really get lured away.. they make choices. Some men have it in them to be unfaithful and others would never dream of it and it doesn't really matter what steps you take to try and prevent it because at the end of the day it's about them not you.

If you feel left out I do think it's a good idea to get to know this friend. Not too intensely.. you don't need to encroach on thier time together.. but just casually suggest all meeting up sometimes for a coffee or a drink. Or invite her round to dinner.
I think it's totally normal and reasonable to want to know someone who is important to your partner.
I have male friends and my DH has female friends and of course we soebd one on one time with them.. but we also all know each other and spend time together.. and we don't have any secret exclusive friendships that the other has no part in. Of course I have friends I have a closer friendship with than he does.. and he has friends he has a closer friendship with than I do.. and as I said we do spend one on one time with our friends. But we all know each other! We've all done things together..theyve been round for dinner, we've gone on holidays with them etc etc
So I just think it's important that you get to know this friend of his. Also become her friend. I don't know why you think it's odd to want yo see them perform? Have you asked him about this? Perhaps they'd love at some point to show you what they've been working on?
Wouldn't you as a woman expect the partner of a close male friend to want to meet you and get to know you?
I totally would. So why not just invite her to do something some time?

Even if people are characterising the OP’s DH as a deluded innocent liable to be pounced upon by his cougar fortysomething fellow-teacher while he’s trying to work out a tricky bit of Rachmaninov

This made me laugh so much. If it's taking place on school premises, a less romantic setting can not be envisaged. Round her house with a colleague also sounds like completely standard stuff.

You cannot police people into faithfulness.

So one way to start a conversation about this is to say 'I know I'm probably being silly, but you don't think X fancies you, do you?' This is a good way of introducing the idea of there being some dynamic without being accusatory, and you can see how it lands, it's also reasonably flattering to him that this lady might fancy him.

Easier to start from there than 'I'm worried you fancy her' even if you do think this. Also, people do occasionally have crushes and fancies and they usually pass. I have had and never done anything remotely dodgy about them, but I do think I wonder from time to time.

I'm all for being alert to new behaviour or obvious signs, but it's not practical or emotionally sensible to start policing people's behaviour as a way of controlling if they have an affair or not, for starters it won't stop them if he has it in his mind to cheat. I do agree that situations can occur, but only if you let them, most sensible people try to get out of that before they start, rather than plunge into them, so if he suggested they go away sharing a room for a music conference, I'd call it then, but meeting up with a colleague and going round her house sounds relatively benign.

I think I'd play my own cards close to my chest at this point, as he may have a crush that will fade away, or you may be insecure myself, I'd say 'have a wonderful time dear' and be very busy, perhaps with your own interesting hobbies and take no notice of what he's up to- I think you will get more signs if there's issues and if it turns out she's a lovely person who is welcoming and there's no issues (which is what happened to me on a couple of occasions when jealousy got the better of me) then you haven't spoiled your own relationship over something that isn't happening anyway.

Others may prefer a much franker and more direct approach!

I have also been in the situation in which my husband was indeed pursued by someone creating situations to get him to help out and get closer and he came to me and said what do I do, so it may be that he's quite keen on the music, you don't know what she's keen on but again, I think no point in upsetting the apple cart right now, it's ok to have a bit of a new passion for a hobby now and again in life, and you can get swept up in it but that doesn't mean he'll cheat if he's not the cheating type of person.