Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

584 replies

Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 21:43

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
the7Vabo · 11/12/2024 12:55

ACatNamedRobin · 11/12/2024 11:09

@JaneJeffer

Please read the Scottish poster's above post.
Her small child has been violently attacked in school for being Jewish.

And that's in Scotland, which is not anywhere as anti - Jew as Ireland.

Based on?? An objective peer reviewed study from the University of Edinburgh?

JaneJeffer · 11/12/2024 12:51

It's unbelievable that people are allowed to make such sweeping statements about Ireland without any evidence whatsoever and anybody who questions them gets deleted. What has happened to the moderation of this site?

the7Vabo · 11/12/2024 12:49

ACatNamedRobin · 11/12/2024 09:55

@the7Vabo @Rowen32 @Daradarina and all...

""Daradarina · Today 08:40

"The social pressure to be anti Jews, pro[] Hamas, and so forth is immense. Disagreeing makes you a social pariah and ostracized."

This is not true."

I don't know what to tell you.

As I said I'm an immigrant from Europe, and I can assure that each of my small group of Russian and Ukrainian friends would testify to exactly this.

This is what we've all seen from Irish people, in private and in public.

I've been here over 20 years, my Russian friends about 10, the Ukrainian girls obviously less (having come due to the war).

It's actually made the Ukrainian girls really sad, and sadly cynical, about Ireland and Irish people, who've otherwise treated them very nicely.

I'm struggling not to be angry at this narrative. There is no significant anti-Jewish sentiment in Ireland. There just isn't.

There is support for the people of Gaza currently which is the only humane position in my opinion, because I don't buy the narrative that Israel have no choice other than to wipe out civilians including children. And I accept that Hamas has significant support in Gaza.

That is not the same thing at all as being anti-Jewish and/or pro-Hamas.

When people were leaving Ukraine there were widespread media reports of non-white college students experiencing discrimination at borders. My perception of Eastern Europe is that it isn't a utopia for many including Jewish people based mainly on history books and media reports. Are Jewish people never discriminated against in Russia?

You and your friends are talking an interpretation of conversations when you are speaking in your second language, in another culture, in a country whose history you don't instinctively understand. And making all kinds of assumptions.

You are conflating things you don't fully understand.

You are writing on a UK website, a country that not too long ago had signs in pubs "no Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs."

I take huge issue with this, it is not far off saying - those ignorant Irish anti-Jewish Paddys, they make us so sad.

LondonLawyer · 11/12/2024 12:49

sofasofa42 · 11/12/2024 07:36

Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. She is a bored and lonely mum to a two year old and gets a bit social media mental when she is on her own at night. My very close and hilarious friend has gone very social media weird over Israel/ Palestine and does similar to yours. I block her social media from my view and still enjoy her very funny company.
People are too quick to live and die by wattsap/ instagram at the moment with regard to their relationships. See her, give her a chance .

"Give her a chance".
"Death to the Jews"
"Not enough Jews killed in the Holocaust".
Mate. Read those again. "Weird over social media" and "overtly wishing death on an ethnic group" are not quite the same thing.
I wouldn't allow a person with these racist and violent views within a mile of my Jewish children.

ACatNamedRobin · 11/12/2024 12:45

Liv999 · 11/12/2024 12:12

Please provide evidence of Ireland being anti- Jew, otherwise you're coming across as very ignorant and misinformed

@Liv999
If you know any non Irish, non British, but continental European people living in Ireland, please ask them about their view on this.

Obviously I can't convince you over the internet but this has been my experience in Ireland as an immigrant, and the experience of my non Irish friends.

ForkHandlesNotFourCandles · 11/12/2024 12:38

Liv999 · 11/12/2024 12:12

Please provide evidence of Ireland being anti- Jew, otherwise you're coming across as very ignorant and misinformed

The majority of Jewish people are in Dublin and it’s a small number. No idea if OP is part of that community
Whilst I can’t speak for all of Ireland and I don’t live in Dublin there has been news in The Times of Israel and the Jewish News about anti Semitism going unchecked.
Boys doing the Nazi salute in school dismissed as boys will be boys, for example.

Freeyourminds · 11/12/2024 12:28

Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 23:40

I should have known mentioning the fucking IRA would trigger everyone. I shouldn't have mentioned it. It's still true through.

It wasn’t relevant to your post, all you’ve done is doubled down on it, by saying a lot of people, which is massively generalising and that’s why it keeps coming up and even now you’re saying this is true, you’re not speaking on behalf of all people, that’s why posters are commenting, this is your opinion.There’s so much irony in what you’ve said, because you’re unable to see what you’ve said in prejudicial and divisive, not fact and your post is about extreme views!

Liv999 · 11/12/2024 12:12

ACatNamedRobin · 11/12/2024 11:09

@JaneJeffer

Please read the Scottish poster's above post.
Her small child has been violently attacked in school for being Jewish.

And that's in Scotland, which is not anywhere as anti - Jew as Ireland.

Please provide evidence of Ireland being anti- Jew, otherwise you're coming across as very ignorant and misinformed

AnxiousRose · 11/12/2024 12:07

I don't know why this thread is still up. Claiming that many Irish people support terrorist organisations is wrong.
Also acknowledging that OPs friends comments are also wrong.

MassiveOvaryaction · 11/12/2024 11:59

@Allinarow48 I'd be telling her I'm not keen to meet based on what you've seen of her views recently, you don't need to be Jewish to be offended by what you're saying she's posted. If she argues she's right I think I'd have to discontinue the friendship. Block if you have to. It's a shame but neither of you are the same people you were during the childhood/college years which you say were when you were closest.
And remember that her mental health isn't your responsibility.

graceinspace999 · 11/12/2024 11:55

fairycakes1234 · 11/12/2024 11:26

Not everyone can be confrontational, it that works for the OP let her be.

OP has been quite confrontational while defending her opinions about Irish people - even saying that she ‘doesn’t care!’

Daradarina · 11/12/2024 11:48

AnxiousRose · 11/12/2024 11:47

Any terrorism is wrong and the vast vast majority of people in Ireland would be of this opinion.

Absolutely.

AnxiousRose · 11/12/2024 11:47

Any terrorism is wrong and the vast vast majority of people in Ireland would be of this opinion.

AnxiousRose · 11/12/2024 11:44

It's the younger people who support Sinn Fein. Older people cannot get last their ties with the IRA.

Daradarina · 11/12/2024 11:44

Liv999 · 11/12/2024 11:29

Yes Sinn Fein has a huge young vote

In the 1980s only about 1 - 2 % voted for them in ROI. Showing clearly that the vast majority were not pro-IRA.

Allinarow48 · 11/12/2024 11:34

JaneJeffer · 11/12/2024 11:30

D’oh! Jesus was a descendant of King David. My point was that Irish people do not have a problem with this symbol.

Did you read my explanation for the presence of the Magen David on Irish churches? Most of them were built in the 1860s. People didn't have a problem with it back then because the Jews helped hugely during the famine. Wearing it now (in any country) would be an issue.

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 11/12/2024 11:30

ForkHandlesNotFourCandles · 11/12/2024 11:25

I’m assuming You do know that has nothing to do with the Jewish faith if they are in a Christian church.

D’oh! Jesus was a descendant of King David. My point was that Irish people do not have a problem with this symbol.

Liv999 · 11/12/2024 11:29

Daradarina · 11/12/2024 11:26

No, I think it’s the older generation in ROI who are less likely to support. It’s the youngsters who have forgotten.

Sinn Fein has now embraced peace but many older people still don’t trust them and wouldn’t ever vote for them. Look at the recent election stats by age. You’ll be very surprised by those if you think it’s the older generation who support Sinn Fein.

Yes Sinn Fein has a huge young vote

fairycakes1234 · 11/12/2024 11:26

MounjaroOnMyMind · 10/12/2024 22:12

I'm shocked at you, that you'd say you had Covid rather than standing up for your ancestors, yourself and any children you might have.

Not everyone can be confrontational, it that works for the OP let her be.

Daradarina · 11/12/2024 11:26

fairycakes1234 · 11/12/2024 11:19

Unfortunately she's right, still a lot of support, especially the older generation. Also I wouldn't have her near your house, it won't end well

No, I think it’s the older generation in ROI who are less likely to support. It’s the youngsters who have forgotten.

Sinn Fein has now embraced peace but many older people still don’t trust them and wouldn’t ever vote for them. Look at the recent election stats by age. You’ll be very surprised by those if you think it’s the older generation who support Sinn Fein.

ForkHandlesNotFourCandles · 11/12/2024 11:25

JaneJeffer · 11/12/2024 11:16

Churches of every domination across Ireland are adorned with the Star of David

I’m assuming You do know that has nothing to do with the Jewish faith if they are in a Christian church.

Allinarow48 · 11/12/2024 11:25

Towerofsong · 11/12/2024 11:23

Your friend is an apologist for terrorists of the absolute worst kind. And she has said she wishes more Jews were dead...that includes you, your children, your family. Her mask has slipped.

There is nothing to debate here, you remind her you are Jewish and tell her the friendship is over. You cannot be friends with such a disgusting human being. And if there is an equivalent of Prevent in Ireland, you report her to that.

As for the IRA, I have lived in Ireland and know what you mean. I sympathise with the basic cause and what the British did, but the moment anybody crosses the line into terrorism they have lost all of my sympathy, as well as that of any right minded person. I am also Jewish and have had to disconnect from an entire side of my family in Ireland over antisemitism and support for what Hamas did, some lines once crossed can never be returned from.

Ah I'm sorry to hear that. It's bad enough when it's friends but family is another level altogether.

OP posts:
Towerofsong · 11/12/2024 11:23

Your friend is an apologist for terrorists of the absolute worst kind. And she has said she wishes more Jews were dead...that includes you, your children, your family. Her mask has slipped.

There is nothing to debate here, you remind her you are Jewish and tell her the friendship is over. You cannot be friends with such a disgusting human being. And if there is an equivalent of Prevent in Ireland, you report her to that.

As for the IRA, I have lived in Ireland and know what you mean. I sympathise with the basic cause and what the British did, but the moment anybody crosses the line into terrorism they have lost all of my sympathy, as well as that of any right minded person. I am also Jewish and have had to disconnect from an entire side of my family in Ireland over antisemitism and support for what Hamas did, some lines once crossed can never be returned from.

Allinarow48 · 11/12/2024 11:22

JaneJeffer · 11/12/2024 11:16

Churches of every domination across Ireland are adorned with the Star of David

Including ones in my home county. Do you know why?

It was because the Jewish communities of London and New York (including the Rothschilds) gave more to Irish famine relief during an Gorta Mór than any other group.

This is, sadly, a fact that wasn't widely acknowledged until recently.

OP posts:
Daradarina · 11/12/2024 11:21

Liv999 · 11/12/2024 11:18

But what IRA is she talking about, because let's face it without the old IRA we would still be under Brirish rule so I'd imagine the huge majority of Irish people would still support their cause, not the terrorist organisation obviously, I'm Irish and the OP is incorrect in saying that 'many' Irish people support them

Both, she said.

Swipe left for the next trending thread