Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

584 replies

Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 21:43

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Original poster
Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 23:22

NonPlayerCharacter · 10/12/2024 22:52

But I also knew a version of her would would never say something like that.

Well, she's saying it now. She wants Jews dead, she glories in Jews being killed and thinks there isn't enough of it. That does include you, even if she doesn't know it, so I don't see how the friendship can continue. I don't see how it could continue with any decent person even if they weren't her chosen target.

You say there's a version of her that wouldn't say it, but in my experience racism is something that people keep in check until they have an excuse to let it loose. Do you want to spend your life wondering which version of her you're going to get at any given time?

Show quote history

You're right. It's so sad.

OP posts:
ForkHandlesNotFourCandles · 10/12/2024 23:22

Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 22:59

I didn't say that. I said most Irish people are politically anti Israel (so am I.) And I said Pro Hamas sentiment isn't terribly unusual. Which it isn't if you've ever been to a protest rally or looked at social media lately. The majority of people are sane and reasonable but extremism isn't that unusual these days.

Show quote history

The vast majority of Irish are pro Palestinian as they share a similar history of invasion and loss of rights by another. They always have been. So Yes, Most Irish people support the Palestinians and are against Israel.

In your situation OP I’d just shut down conversation about anything you find uncomfortable.
Perhaps arrange an activity to divert the conversation, if possible.

Wellshellsbells · 10/12/2024 23:21

I’m Irish and I agree with the basic principles of ira ideals ,which are that Ireland should be a 32 county country and it shouldn’t be part of England.i don’t agree with the bombing etc but I think op means the basic principle not the violence.lots of people I know think the same and everyone knows some rebel songs.

EasyComfortDishes · 10/12/2024 23:21

CucumberBagel · 10/12/2024 23:17

The weird thing is OP's fawning over a nasty racist and anti-semitic nut job in case she upsets her.

Surely no one is that much of a people pleaser.

Show quote history

The other weird thing is 50% of posters replying “yes that sounds a bit extreme. Maybe gently tell her you don’t want to discuss politics and meet her in a garden centre”

TriangleLight · 10/12/2024 23:21

Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 23:10

Go on then.

I live in North Kerry. I'm in my 40s. At youth club discos the DJ used to play rebel songs and the kids would jump up and down chanting 'Up the Ra.' etc. This was totally normal for us. The youth club leaders, some teachers at school and the parish priest were openly pro IRA. One local retired Priest was a member of the IRA in his youth and everyone knew it and kissed his arse for it.

There are plenty of people locally still glorify the provos and it doesn't take much to get them talking. I do believe they are a section of the population that no one wants to really acknowledge in this country. Hence the backlash on this thread at the suggestion. They walk among us. You know them.

Show quote history

I get this @Allinarow48 , I live in Scotland and this is quite common here, what with the Celtic and all. Quite the divide in the community.

Frankly, sad as it is, I’d not see her.

SapphireSeptember · 10/12/2024 23:20

ByLilacMember · 10/12/2024 23:03

I can empathise with why you're getting worried about the visit. She seems very intense online. However, she is obviously deeply affected and saddened about something that is deeply saddening. There a plenty of Jewish people who are deeply in tune with the Palestinian cause, Jews for Peace, Na'amod. You don't need to be on 2 different sides. I get you don't feel as intensely about political stuff in general but it sounds like she needs a friend

I wouldn't be friends with someone describing torture, rape and murder as 'beautiful'. I'd be telling them to get to fuck. Mental health issues be damned. (I've had my own share of that and I still think this woman is extreme.)

Before anyone starts I hate what the Israeli government are doing as well. The loss of life is an off the scale tragedy.

AnxiousRose · 10/12/2024 23:20

All the Irish people on this thread have disagreed with you.

Ella31 · 10/12/2024 23:19

Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 23:10

Go on then.

I live in North Kerry. I'm in my 40s. At youth club discos the DJ used to play rebel songs and the kids would jump up and down chanting 'Up the Ra.' etc. This was totally normal for us. The youth club leaders, some teachers at school and the parish priest were openly pro IRA. One local retired Priest was a member of the IRA in his youth and everyone knew it and kissed his arse for it.

There are plenty of people locally still glorify the provos and it doesn't take much to get them talking. I do believe they are a section of the population that no one wants to really acknowledge in this country. Hence the backlash on this thread at the suggestion. They walk among us. You know them.

Show quote history

There is a vast difference between old and provisional IRA and very few people support the latter and although some might talk about the original days of seeking irish independence in the 20's, most people in this country are happy to be past the wars, and chaos that lost lives and absolutely devastated the North of Ireland. Maybe in your area, there's a bunch of ira sympathisers but my parents also lived through the troubles and I like you was around in the tail end of it and the sympathy does lie with the IRA anymore.

I suggest you concentrate on your actual post and not engage or inflame this incorrect statement any longer.

Original poster
Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 23:18

Ella31 · 10/12/2024 23:08

Same. Irish here too and there is no majority of pro IRA people here. No one wants to go back to that chaos.

Show quote history

I didn't say majority I said "A lot." which is absolutely true where I'm from.

OP posts:
CrushOnEminem · 10/12/2024 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WishinAndHopin · 10/12/2024 23:18

Maybe I watch too much true crime, but I would be worried she actually does know or has figured out you're Jewish, and may be coming to harm you. She might also want to interrogate / evaluate you.

As you have a child it's your duty to be cautious. She's hate-filled and possibly unstable, and has been eagerly consuming and advocating for murder. Therefore, you should decline her invitation.

Don't worry if you don't feel comfortable telling her the truth; making an excuse rather than directly calling her out could prevent her from specifically fixating on you. Also, in the most optimistic scenario, you're leaving the door open to a good friend, should this be an expression of cult indoctrination or mental illness.

[To be honest a lot of vocal "anti-racist" types are actually exceptionally hateful, and are directing their hatred at the current socially acceptable targets (Jews / white people). If they were born in another time or place they'd be foaming at the mouth with self-righteous hatred against some other group.]

CucumberBagel · 10/12/2024 23:17

GreenTeaLikesMe · 10/12/2024 22:37

I don't know why people are doubting the OP. I know a couple of people who are very similar. They don't see what they are doing as anti semitism, they see it as part of a generalized very left wing identity. It wasn't always obvious. During COVID, they were obsessed with masking and lockdowns for ever and ever. Then they moved onto Palestine in the past year or so. They focus on whatever issue is being amplified by TikTok or whatever at this moment in time.

The weird thing is OP's fawning over a nasty racist and anti-semitic nut job in case she upsets her.

Surely no one is that much of a people pleaser.

miniaturepixieonacid · 10/12/2024 23:17

I wouldn't pretend to be ill.

I would want to either end this friendship or help her address her craziness if the friendship really, really meant that much to me and I believed she genuinely wasn't in her right mind. But it would have to be the best friend possible in the world (which, to be fair, she sounds like she was at some point) for me to want to find a way past 'not enough Jews were gassed'. Ugh, that made me feel a bit ill to even type. How can anyone post that on social media?!

I would go passive aggressive to test the waters. Something like:
'Before we meet up, I have to tell you something that I don't think has ever come up. I'm Jewish. I have family members in Israel. I know from Facebook that you hate Jews so I know you won't want to see me when you come over and won't want to be friends any more. If you want to talk about it, get in touch but I think, it's clear that we can't spend time together any more. Neither of us could be comfortable given what your opinions about me are.'

Normallynumb · 10/12/2024 23:16

I certainly wouldn't want someone which such extreme and hateful views past my front door
I mean, you could say you're ill or you could call her out and say you've seen her posts and you simply don't recognise her as the friend you had

Original poster
Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 23:16

fashionqueen0123 · 10/12/2024 22:52

Do you know her family or partner? Do they know she is posting this stuff?

Show quote history

I've only met him once. I've talked to her mother about it but she claims to have no knowlege of it and doesn't use socials.

OP posts:
AnxiousRose · 10/12/2024 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lucy25 · 10/12/2024 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Greywhippet · 10/12/2024 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BarbaraHoward · 10/12/2024 23:13

I've never even heard anyone say they're pro IRA in the North, never mind the South.

Original poster
Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 23:12

Maurepas · 10/12/2024 23:11

Not read all the posts but wonder where she can be living that she feels free to openly express these views which are illegal in UK for example? Is she living in an Arab country?

Australia. And I have reported a few of her comments and gotten nowhere.

OP posts:
BoldAmberDuck · 10/12/2024 23:12

EmraldSky · 10/12/2024 23:03

i would advise against telling/reminding her that you are Jewish. her extreme views are scary

I agree. I’d probably meet her and have a few hours together, keep it neutral and then fade the friendship away with no offence. You don’t want the consequences of upsetting her!

AnxiousRose · 10/12/2024 23:12

I can say I am Irish and I do not know them. What you have described I have never experienced. Also in my 40s.

Gaz98 · 10/12/2024 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Allinarow48 · 10/12/2024 23:11

graceinspace999 · 10/12/2024 22:44

I find this post a bit weird.
How would she not know you were Jewish?
Friends since teenage years, lived together yet she didn’t know? Teenage girls who are close friends usually know each other’s details.

As for Irish people being sympathetic to the IRA!
That’s bollox!
Okay…maybe you’ll find the odd armchair terrorist shite-talking before getting chucked out of the pub but they’re the exception not the rule.

I also don’t understand why you’re friends with someone as hate-filled and prejudiced as this person.

I would have reported those foul remarks she made about killing Jews to the police.

She would not get past my front door.

I have answered all these questions upthread.

OP posts:
Maurepas · 10/12/2024 23:11

Not read all the posts but wonder where she can be living that she feels free to openly express these views which are illegal in UK for example? Is she living in an Arab country?

Swipe left for the next trending thread