To have said no to parents at christmas

There’s nothing that special about’last Christmases’. Don’t let it affect your decision. Do what you need to do.

How can he not be as bad as you are making him out to be? He is worse than that. You told your father about your csa, and instead of going to the police, he allowed it to continue. That's pretty much as bad as it can get from a parent.

He shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your children. He is not a safe person, either for you or for them.

Gosh OP. You’re well within your right to bar him from your house completely on Christmas. Is he going to ruin it by being sulky anyway? You’re absolutely not responsible for caring for him / being there for him during his illness.

I'm guessing your abuser is a family member on his side ?
Remember that all those years ago when you needing him to step up to protect you , he didn't.
Have the Christmas you want , and don't feel an iota of any guilt about it .

You have done nothing wrong. He was emotionally abusive to you and has now moved onto your daughter. That would be enough for me to cut ties permanently.

Sounds like he's still trying to be emotionally abusive to you OP, and potentially including your children in it too. YANBU to not want him there at Christmas. It's a shame your mum has to miss out on the family time, as it sounds like she's not an issue like he is (?)- that's not your fault, but rather his. Manipulative people don't automatically become nice just because they get old, sadly.

I think you should do what is best for you and your family.

You have been through a lot.

You are a caring sensitive person some people aren’t.

You will have to resign yourself to boxing off your emotions and ignoring your inclination to want to please your Dad as in the long run you are hurting yourself.

Glad you are in therapy.

You can get justice for the SA now if you feel strong enough. Maybe more victims will come forward.

He is trying to bully you into getting his own way again.

When we withdraw our power from people who control us they rarely take it well.

Deep breath, they only thing you owe anyone her is yourself. Stick to the plan you made with your therapist which you made for good reason.
Let your husband explain to your daughter that her grandparents are adults who feed themselves every other day and that he is really looking forward to Xmas dinner being lots less work so Xmas is more time for playing

So your father has emotionally abused you throughout your life and is now emotionally manipulating your daughter. He deserves to be eating beans on toast on Christmas Day.

What if your partner was treating your daughter in the way your father treated you? Would that be okay with you? Would you stand back and watch and make excuses for him? Of course not. Then why should it be okay that your father got to treat his daughter like that?

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Neither of them protected you or cared about the aftermath. I've always told my two I'd have blood on my hands if anyone ever touched them. And I've acted when they've needed me even if they didn't know they did. That's parenting.

So why should you care about their emotional blackmail? You need your energy to focus on recovery and your own family.

It makes me so cross that you see shit parents expecting things their way yet again purely on the basis they are older.

Bloody hell OP I’m so sorry for you. You don’t deserve parents like that and I can’t believe you’re still in contact- do not invite them.

You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about OP.

You must look after yourself and your family especially after the way he spoke to your daughter.

your parents failed you but the world is a different place now where certain behaviours of the past are no longer tolerated or quietly hidden.

TW - reporting it

would you not consider reporting it and have the perpetrator convicted?

So you feel he shouldn't feel the consequences of his own behaviour before he dies?? Yeah, you have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty for. Nothing.

If you want to remove all dram and judgement from your decision making, think of it like this…

He has organised his entire life around what he wants. Other people have gone along with it.

Now you are organising your life around what you want- Christmas with your husband and dc. That is perfectly reasonable.

^^ that’s the calm, logical way of thinking about it.

Add in emotion and judgement- the man is an abusive arse and has no right to be in your company regardless of his health. He has no right to see you again, under any circumstance.

You get to choose how you live and who you see.
However- your DC don’t. Give them the benefit of your learned wisdom and freedom- limit their access to abusive arseholes.

I would be cutting this man out of my life. He is disgusting and doesn't deserve a relationship with you.

Do you speak to your sibling? They have been through similar to you so it might help you to talk about it with them/they can reassure you.

Put yourself first. And be angry, not guilty x

Commented on wrong thread.

@scarfonthestairs I am shocked at your parents just "having a word" with your abuser!! anyone else would have beaten them to a pulp before going to the police!! your duty is to your family, not your extended family! your dad sounds horrible and you should never feel guilt ridden about your stronger actions now. perhaps it is about time for your sis to step up but maybe she has had the measure of them for a lot longer than you. your mother is no better by allowing any of this to happen!! you and your family have a good guilt free christmas xxx

Cut contact ! This man is an abuser and he continues to do so with his manipulation. He knew you were being sexually abused, and did nothing. Why are you letting him near your kids ?!

YANBU, your dad is guilty of abuse and your mum of the same by ignoring what was happening to you and not getting you out of that situation. I'd cut them both off

Please, take care of yourself. Take all the time you need to recover from your breakdown, focus on your own family, and on getting support in your healing journey. Do not allow your abusive parents to continue damaging your health and happiness.

Your dad’s ill. So are you. It doesn’t sound like your parents have lost much sleep over your illness. It will be hard, but you should do whatever you can to put yourself and your family first, and protect your children and your inner child.

Yes, stick up for that little girl who had no power then but does now.
Please do what feels right for you.

He's guilt tripping you to get his own way. Sadly he's unlikely to change, but you can and are now big enough to tell him no !

OP, you don't have to see anyone you don't want to see. Doesn't matter that it's Christmas. Doesn't matter that they're ill. Just keep saying "no".

The way that he treated you as a child was abhorrent. And your mum, for standing back and allowing it. They did not protect you. Just imagine that they treated your daughter that way, imagine she was in their care and they allowed that. Does that make you angry and put things into perspective? You were just a child, like your daughter. You deserved so much better. Time to put yourself first. You will never be able to explain or reason with you because they have trodden all over you for so long. They don’t need to agree though for you to put your foot down. Protect yourself and your family from both of them.
You can still report the abuse to the police if you wanted to. It will still be investigated.

How old are your children OP?