Party - are people just rude now

Terrible behaviour and there really is no excuse for it, especially the no-shows with no contact. Some of the excuse making above is pathetic.

If I’ve said I’ll attend something, particularly when it’s something someone will have spent time, money and effort on, I attend. If I don’t “fancy it” on the day (which is often), I still go. I usually find I have a much better time than I was expecting.

If I find I can’t go for a very good reason, I contact the person and explain as soon as possible.

If someone invites me to something that I can’t attend or I just don’t want to, I tell them immediately. I don’t say yes and then flake at the last second.

None of the above is complicated or particularly onerous, and it’s just rude not to do it.

Well clearly they've behaved poorly (you don't turn up to a house party empty handed and ask for leftovers!!) but it strikes me as odd that these same friends didn't invite you out the evening before.

Perhaps they're not as close as you think? It's poor form to not show up without contacting you directly, but it's possible they considered the event optional if you're more acquaintances than friends.

You seem to have quite different values to these people (I can see why) so I would perhaps forget to invite them next year and host a smaller event for people who do share the same values...

This is horrible OP I'm so sorry. You sound lovely going to all that trouble for them. Trust me I've known people like this, it's shit and there is NO excuse. Everyone is capable of sending a text first thing in the morning apologising profusely and saying we can't make it, so sorry, have a fab time and see you soon. Showing up empty handed and behaving like gracing you with their presence is so wonderful = equally shit and rude. I'd really take a step back from this lot and certainly not bother hosting again.

And?

It just proves the point that people are rude and flakey 😉

As a fully recovered people pleaser, this is now normal behaviour and as you can see on your thread, there are people who will justify it.

Like a previous poster, getting older has divested me of people pleasing tendencies. Whilst it’s lovely to have large gatherings, people are rude and fickle. Prioritise yourself and people you count as real friends.

I don't think people would say it was fine to drop out on the day, barring genuine severe illness, accident or emergency.

If you don't want to go, say so when invited or at least with reasonable notice.

I don't think covid has anything to do with it. I think it's just a convenient reference point.

Ther were still threads like this due to behaviours like these before covid.

Like so many other threads that ask if something has changed since covid. No it hasn't but because there was a significant break during covid, people can't really remember what it was like beforehand.

No idea where the ** came from!

This is true.

They would advise letting the host know first but they would be saying that.

I might be imaging it, but I feel as though Covid changed behaviours? I have to say though, I don't have anyone I consider close to who would just be a no show without warning. I do tend to be more selective about my friends now - good thing I have a big extended family!
The neurodiverse comments made me smile, a significant minority of one side of my family have some form of ADHD or autism (as a genetic thing), and neither they or their parents don't use it as an excuse to be rude. Maybe because we all get each other.

OP wasn't asking for contributions towards feeding her** guests, she'd done all that herself, but who on earth turns up at a party or invitation to a meal empty-handed? Nobody with manners, that's for sure.

The thing is though.. there could be another thread where someone doesn’t want to go to a meal/party and the majority will say not to go.

That'll be the people who do exactly what some people did to the op.
They need to be able to blame the op/host somehow so they dont have to reflect.

Are these people you are close too? Or acquaintances you are trying to build a relationship with?

There’s definitely something odd about the relationship dynamic. They went out together without inviting you, and then didn’t bother to turn up to your event. They are leaving you out of the group.

If you’ve not known them long maybe it would be good to look for a different group of friends.

I think you did well to get all but two of the families turning up these days, with people's tendency to drop out of things last minute with weak excuses.

Turning up empty-handed is ill-mannered, you'd expect a token gift or contribution, even if only a small box of chocs.

Unless you'd announced the leftovers were going in the bin, it's just odd to ask for them.

Who on earth has voted YABU OP?! You’re not being unreasonable, not in the slightest

I wouldn't bother doing it again next year. Save your money and go out for dinner instead or to a christmas lights trail or something. Sadly yes, some people are just rude. Nothing else to it.

She didn't say they stressed her out.

She said it's a lot of work and finances (which it is) and that it's thus exceptionally rude to not respect that (which it is).

There are lots of videos online ( tik tok ) about reframing your brain as a people pleaser. I have found them very useful. I am really enjoying being a person who is no longer a people pleaser. It's been a revelation.
Big events that one person takes responsibility for always seem a good idea in the run up to Christmas. But, as you know well, they are expensive and exhausting for the host and there is always a high chance that people will drop out because, with all the other Christmas stuff,they just can't face it. I have found it nicer to invite people in smaller chunks. Just yourselves and one other part of the family at a time. Sometimes we meet at a venue. We pay for us ,they pay for them. Other times we'll have 3 or 4 people for cake at our house. Less cost,less faff less stressful for everyone. No one has ever cancelled, the children are better behaved. It's altogether more relaxed. Perhaps you might try that option rather than a huge 'do'.

Was it something like a kids party or class party op? Sometimes people do behave differently round them,

Friends don't do that.

Yanbu.

To the people pleasers... I'm crossing fingers for you that it's your age...for me I was always the people pleaser, always the host, watching other people have a good time on my money and time and not reciprocating and then I got to 40 and started saying no. No I can't do the PTA raffle. No, I'm not hosting you as you never reciprocate. I found a new group of friends now and we all take turns.

Those people are rude. There's no excuse. As to the poster who spoke of ND, as a teacher I'm bordering on fed up of it, as are all my colleagues 'he's ND so he's allowed to disrupt the entire class and make sure no one learns anything.'

The plus side is, it seems you have 22 people's worth of family friends, which is good going!

The others are gross though. I think this is the sort of thing that puts people off hosting x

This would hurt the most I think - they clearly prioritised their night out over your party - you’ll feel a sense of relief cutting them out