Party - are people just rude now

Then they shouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place. It doesn't matter; I didn't bother again.

nobody is expecting a giant perfectly wrapped gift.

I have never ever turned up at someone's invitation without something in my hand which says "thank you for inviting me, here is a small token of my appreciation and thanks for that". It may be chocolates, it may be flowers or a plant or it may be wine. But there will always be something. That is a socially accepted thing to do.

There are the flakes and then there the ones who show up and never look up from their phones. It just gets worse each year.

Not to be contrary, but if loads of people had asked to stop over, was this not a hint that perhaps hosting a NYE party at your home wasn't going to work out as planned? Clearly you're not obliged to have overnight guests, but no one's obliged to accept your invitation either (especially if it requires one of the party to be designated driver on NYE).

It's very bad form they dropped out on the day though.

This rudeness is not new behaviour. We organised a New Year's Eve party. We only had a small place, and loads of people asked to stay over. We said sorry, but it doesn't work for us because we have a newborn (who is now 27!). We had loads of people drop out on the day, and I can still remember their words were, "Oh, they'll be other years". They just didn't want to have to have a designated driver, so they dropped us in it when we'd already catered for everyone. There weren't any other years because I never invited them again.

Every year I have to give myself a stern talking to when I start getting swept up in the John Lewis, M and S advert life that I don't actually live. People don't turn up in sparkly gear with perfect make up and giant gifts and waft about being charmingly festive in my perfectly decorated mansion ( that also doesn't exist).They're generally either half heartedly pleasant or absolute areseholes. There's a spectrum and they'll be somewhere on it. I remind myself of this, plan a quieter Christmas and its much better.

There is certain behaviour i was taught growing up that i would do or not towards others

But not everyone is on the same page i will take something to someone place but I don't care if people don't to mine life is too short for me to go through a list of what people have done against a list i create for then it is not the x factor

Um, no.

It's incredibly rude to turn up to a party at someone's home and not bring anything at all.

beware OP that kind of approach may not be easy for you. I am an anti-people-pleaser tbh and i do hold a grudge so it comes naturally to me.

I work on the principle that the amount of hurt/offence someone gives me is the amount they're getting back. Usually when they least expect it :)

Honestly you’re right and I find this more and more. People have lost any notion of being polite that was once commonplace. I find it weird and rude. Maybe I’m old fashioned but the time and energy and love you put into creating something selflessly for others who then frankly don’t give a toss. It’s strange and really shows a lack of class on their part.

It’s an honour to be invited to such events. Some people are selfish and grabby but I find people these days to be generally worse in many ways.

♥️

@GreyCarpet sorry just reread your post and think we're saying the same thing!

Not had my morning caffeine yet 😅

I had the opposite last year. Big and fancy sit down Christmas dinner party to which flaky friend never replied. At the last minute I thought - I bet they turn up anyway so I laid two extra places, and in they waltzed.

I used to be friends with a crowd like that. I'm not any more. They were utterly selfish and manipulative.

Don't dwell on it. Just realise that the empty-handed demanding ones and the ones who didn't invite you never need another minute of your time.

I'd forgive the last minute drop outs. Everyone has nightmare days when plans go pear-shaped and they can't cope with being in public. If the kids were playing up it was kind of them not to inflict them on you. And kids often play up before coming down with an illness.

If someone invites me to something that I can’t attend or I just don’t want to, I tell them immediately. I don’t say yes and then flake at the last second.

Same but, bizarrely, this is also a people pleasing behaviour! And there are a lot of people pleasers around.

But you don't just say "can't come kids are playing up" or worse "pls tell OP that we're not coming" and then never contact the host. That is shit-fuckery

"I'm a people pleaser" is taking on the dimensions of "I'm ND" on MN. Everyone has to make all the allowances for your behaviour while you make none for anyone else.

In OPs case. The non-gift bringers are rude fuckers - don't invite them again and if you get invited to theirs reciprocate in kind.
The texters - ok, fair enough
The "let her know" - no more invitations forthcoming, polite when meeting but if they invite you feel free to sack them off without comment if you get a better offer
The "we didn't invite you because you're prepping"? message all of them - you are fuckers. And then just drop them from invitation lists.

Alongside working in retail, as a waitress, and on the phones in customer service - I wonder if hosting a big party is something everyone should do
So that they have some understanding and don't be arseholes.

I think PP is saying that if you don't want to or are unable to attend something, you should say no upfront (which isn't people pleasing). It's rude to say yes and then flake out at the last minute.

I also had a friend who said yes to every social engagement because she was a people pleaser. It meant she was constantly double booked and as such became very flaky, since you can't be in two places at one time. Conversely by trying not to let everyone down she ended up letting people down a lot!

If someone invites me to something that I can’t attend or I just don’t want to, I tell them immediately. I don’t say yes and then flake at the last second.

Same but, bizarrely, this is also a people pleasing behaviour! And there are a lot of people pleasers around.

I know someone who did it because they just couldn't say no, even if they knew they didn't want to do something or couldn't make it. Then they'd get increasingly stressed out about it and angry if the people let down were disappointed or annoyed by it. Not at them, but I'd get to hear all about their unreasonable expectations!

Like I said, people.pleasong rarely serves anyone well.

Don't host again for the graspy beggars
The going out without you the night before and not inviting would be it for me

Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option

You placed an obligation and a set of expectations on others who were not up for it and don’t follow the same social rules as you do. That’s on you.

Eh? OP invited them to a party. They said yes. It’s not unreasonable to think that means they’re coming. You’re making it sound like she tried to force them to sign a marriage contract and provide a dowry of livestock.

that last lot!! I would most definitely be saying something to them.

I’d be understanding if the parents had messaged to let me know. Plain rude to just not text.