Party - are people just rude now

My house is always guest-ready hosting clean. I'm not really sure what the other type of clean is that you're referring to, that just sounds like it would be "not clean"

Totally agree @Oodydoody , and a work in progress myself. Mine came from childhood trauma, would literally panic at the thought of saying no to someone, and built up a load of resentment because of it. I'm very good at saying no now and challenging poor behaviour, 😊still working on recognising the CFs in the early stages. Not everyone acts in your best interests.

I think a lot of us have people pleasing tendencies.
I am a doer and a fixer and enormously capable, so have to actively pull myself back from my nature to make things better🙄.
It can be done when you are determined to take responsibility for your choices.

Sometimes I slip and am about to put myself out and then I will whoa, slow down, is this really something YOU should be doing? Would that person dream of doing it for you? If not I say no can do or simple not offer.

It is like a muscle, give it enough exercise and it will gain muscle memory and become a habit.

It really can be done.
So many women learn to change because they want to and realised they were doing too much that was not appreciated.

@allthatfalafel

theres clean and then there’s guest-ready, hosting clean. They are different, surely you can understand that?

Hi op I find people have awful manners now! Not replying to texts or invites. Leave you hanging re arrangements. I dont bother planning stuff now. We sooo busy. Lol

So sorry your ‘friends’ are such arseholes, OP - it’s soul-destroying when you’ve put time, money and effort into a party (and you’re excited about it) and people treat your generosity with such casual indifference.

On occasions where there are loads of guests attending I think people have fewer compunctions about pulling out last minute because they feel their absence won’t make much difference - but to not even let you know in person is just awful behaviour.

Whoever arranged the drinks the night before could have predicted people wouldn’t do two nights on the bounce, so that was pure fuckery on their part and I’d be pissed off enough not to bother with them again. In fact, from your description - especially the lazy fucking freeloaders - I’d not be bothering with any of them for a good while.

Are people in general getting ruder? Yes, without a doubt. Partly because texting and social media make it easier to just change plans on a pinhead, flake or drop out, and lots of people seem to think this is totally acceptable now.

The advent of the selfie seems to have coincided with a massive shift in people’s social orientation. Just the general levels of total and utter self-absorption, performative fakery, the lack of basic manners or giving a shit about anyone else, the justifying of every stripe of rude, selfish behaviour on the basis of mental health or ‘taking care of me’.

But I notice it everywhere. Companies not bothering to even respond to job applications; tradespeople not returning calls - or, even worse, coming to quote then just ghosting you, not even a 2 second text to say they’re not interested.

Maybe I’m just getting old and grumpy - but tbh I’ve been both those things for quite a while and I still think all this kind of BS is getting worse!

Hope Santa brings you some new friends for Christmas, OP.

@Brefugee , the first couple of times I thought I must have got it wrong, my mistake. Then it happened again, the penny dropped, and I called her out on it. I think the term is gaslighting. She stopped doing it and then went on to a catalogue of fantastical excuses. It was laughable in the end. I would wait to see what crap she came up with. She couldn't just say no which would have been totally acceptable to me. The friendship didn't last.

Oh right, I just have my house cleaned on a regular basis because I like it to always be clean.

i would reply with "i will take that as a no, then" to anyone you really think will flake, and don't include them in your numbers.

Or just assume it and don't cater for them...

ETA: for the pp upthread whose friend would accept an invitation then later talk about something else she was doing on that day, as though the invitation had never existed: did you ever say anything? I would have said "oh how are you going to manage that? do you have a TARDIS or something? because we already have plans on that day"
But that is because i don't mind saying that kind of thing to people who behave like twats.

@allthatfalafel

lol everyone cleans their house when they have visitors especially a dinner party or that kind of gathering. Its the done thing.

I think people are more selfish and rude. Can't remember when I last had a 'party' the closest we have now is family and a few long standing friends.

So sad that people behave like this because it’s got to the stage where barely anyone is bothering to host parties anymore.

I had someone that would agree to something and then, the next time you saw her, casually mention that she was doing something else. No reference to the plans she had already made with you. Happened a few times. Completely bonkers way of getting out of it!

@Oodydoody , been there, done it and got the t-shirt. Used to be the hostess with the mostest taking all sorts of crap from utter users.

Barely host these days and have found that going out for dinners and celebrations much more enjoyable. It's lovely being waited on and a hell of a lot cheaper. You really have to reign in that urge to give to others.

However, it is still a bit sad that people can take you for granted if you have put yourself out for them but they are probably the wrong people as you say.

I think PP is saying that if you don't want to or are unable to attend something, you should say no upfront (which isn't people pleasing). It's rude to say yes and then flake out at the last minute.

I understood what the pp was saying and agreed with them.

I was offering an explanation for the people who do flake at the last minute and how that can also be a people pleasing behaviour.

Because it is. It doesn't make it any the less rude though.

That's whyi started with 'bizarrely'

We didn't ask you to come as we knew you'd be busy arranging this......

OMG! That’s staggeringly rude as Fuck! 😱🤬

I stopped hosting during Covid and never really re-started. I got fed up of putting all that effort in for some people who never reciprocated (even just an invite for coffee would have been nice) or came empty handed and turned into locusts.
Feck ‘em!

We’re actually having our Christmas lunch today with a specific group of friends and all I do now is suggest a date and book the venue. If they decide not to come, no big deal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Choosing where to go is the full extent of my ‘prep’ and I enjoy checking out the menus. I don’t have to bother with an extensive house clean other than the normal pre-Christmas preparations and no breakages etc.

Definitely a win as far as I’m concerned!

I'm hosting something similar soon and am bracing myself for all the no shows, particularly as a bunch of people have just replied saying something like

We'll definitely come along if we can

That probably means no doesn't it? Either they'll be busy or they won't be bothered, even though several live on neighboring streets.

We used to have massive parties and it makes me sad that we'll probably have just a few people turn up and it will be awkward and no fun.

If one spend lots of time, effort and money on organizing an NYE 'do', one would not be unreasonable to expect that guests would consider this worth an Uber fare home.

I don't blame you. It's awful to be left out deliberately from a gathering of people you thought of as friends.

I hope you have other friends. I'd be distancing myself from this lot.

The sort of behaviour you describe is unfortunately becoming the norm. I think it's very rude but have learned to go with the flow. We host an annual party each year. I am currently expecting around 30 people but from experience know that at least 6 of them are unlikely to turn up and that's assuming there's no rain or weather warnings! I've found it's the same at any party or family gathering, including our daughter's wedding earlier this year. I keep a list of the unreliable friends and family, assume they are not coming and cater accordingly. Makes the whole event much less stressful.

You should be cleaning your house for yourself and your family, forget about everyone else.

Not bringing anything is rude, even my friends who have no money bake something cheap or spend a fiver on a tub of chocolates.

Yes that is very rude and I’m bored of the constant excuses people are given for bad manners.

OP, you continue to be a soft mug and yet expect to attract decent people.

The two do not go together.

Mugs attract users.
Users love mugs because they have zero respect for themselves and accept being treated badly on a loop.

The thing is that people pleasers often burn up with resentment and are quietly seething at how they are treated, which is awful for their mental health.
Yet they continue to behave that way.

Stop focusing on how other people behave and focus on fixing yourself.

People pleasers are deeply unhappy people that end up with few if any friends because they only attract user losers.

Change yourself first.
Build your self esteem.
Stop making little of yourself hosting people who have zero regard for you.
Yes life may be quiet for a while, but so what.

I would rather one decent friend that 10 users in my life.

The choice is yours.
Take responsibility for your choices, your behaviour.

You can do it, you just need to want it.

that is certainly a message. And if they had all said "oh sorry, we all want to drink so thank you for the invitation but we won't be coming" it would have been fine and @SassyRobin would have made less effort to less expense.

But they didn't because they were either dragged up or turned into flakey fuckers as adults.