Party - are people just rude now

Humiliating...yes you've summed it up, exactly how I felt - and I'm very sorry you've experienced it too.

Op, it's shocking how someone tried that again. It's so crass. Genuinely never surprised at the front and entitlement of people.

Requoting this to say I’ve now been thanked 28 times for this post… in case it make a difference to your view OP x

It’s the night before thing that’s really grating on me. I have a couple of different friendship groups where it is really difficult to pin down a date for a get together, due to kids, work schedules, caring duties, etc etc. We end up with polls etc. Fairly sure it’s like this for most people these days. I’d imagine it will have been tricky for this lot to coordinate a date too so, I’m sorry to say, but I suspect even if it weren’t scheduled for the night before your event, you weren’t on the radar as an attendee.
These people are not your friends. They don’t deserve you and you definitely deserve far better than them.

Such a shame when you have gone to so much effort. Horrible people don’t waste your time on them in future

I was really upset about the night before. I am a bit of a people pleaser and often have wake up moments like this - and then go back to being a people pleaser

OP i could have written this, you did a nice thing and i feel for you. They could have least of told you about the night out before. That’s poor of them not to tell you they couldn’t make it. Lesson learned here , meet out somewhere & don’t offer again

you couldn't do both? Someone has made the effort to invite you to their home and buy food for you and your family, and you can't spend 30 seconds sending them a text?

It's not like it's 1912 and you're being charged per word.

Alternatively calling someone on the phone and actually speaking to them would "ensure" they got the message too. And allow you to apologise rather than just a third party telling the host you weren't coming.

since forever? It's basic etiquette to bring a contribution if someone is hosting you - wine, chocolates etc.

If I knew someone had catered for me and I didn't turn up, I would absolutely offer to refund them for the wasted money. A whole family not attending is quite a lot of extra food that OP wouldn't have bought otherwise, and food is hardly cheap nowadays. If the meal had been at a restaurant with a deposit per head I would also offer to repay the deposit if I dropped out last minute.

It adds insult to injury when as well as letting someone down last minute they are also at a financial loss because of your rudeness. Quite surprised I have to explain this to someone tbh.

Hi OP
I'm always baffled by things like this
We would love to be invited to events like your house party!
My younger son has ASD with an expressive language disorder with no real friends so we are quite socially isolated
We do socialise at things like arranged events to enure he has some social interactions (Scouts and Church) but not much else

Equally people are very rude I cooked for a joint 40th dinner party and our "friends" were all hung over from the night before from a massive mutual friends party we hadnt been invited too I literally wanted to turn round and leave with my Beetroot Wellington, salad and Roulade
We arent frineds anymore!

I'm a very straight forward person so dont really understand all the stres of going to someones house and being hosted and wined and dined, its just lovely and kind!

There are two separate issues here. One is that some of the CFs in that group are exploitative piss takers and they will do this to everyone and anyone that will let them. They need jettisoning. It’s not a friendship but purely milked for their convenience only.
They are always, always the ones that also are MIA the minute anyone else needs support or help. Selfish and self absorbed.

There is the wider cultural issue though that as families we are all under so much pressure these days. So many demands. We have to pay such high bills, subsidise so much and also raise a family, care for pets, house, the elderly - that the effort and resources required can be overwhelming. As much as you might like a friend, you simply might not have the necessary energy required to do it all. That happens frequently in my circles and many of us have agreed to be open and honest when life is too much and we can’t make x it has been so good for the friendship. Now we agree to just do our best to come to things, and know we would each be there if we could be. That life isn’t always easy.

The way my jaw hit the floor reading this... the audacity! I am so sorry you've been treated in this way. Well done for saying no - first step to setting in a boundary that says you won't be walked over. Stick with the lovely ones who helped at your party.

We live in a very flakey world unfortunately - because we can message people instantly, we think we can drop out of things last minute.

We should hold ourselves and each other to a higher standard - you deserve friends that don't flake, appreciate the effort required for a party (perhaps even offer to help!), and invite you to fun things. And we should do the same for others in return, thats what it means to be a reliable and good friend.

I hope you'll feel empowered that you are worth better friendships. Set those boundaries! Enjoy the freedom of them!

Yes its time wasting. Maybe a neutral venue best. I do agree people are flaky now. I stopped making plans due to this.

People are rude, and many just won't commit to plans anymore I've found. Or in your case they commit but just don't turn up. There have been many times we have invited people round and you can tell that they just won't commit in case a better offer comes up. We've had people say they are coming then apparently they are unwell on the day but get tagged in a facebook post of somewhere else they have been on that night. We do get invited to their houses so I don't think its because they don't like us ha.

Good for you.
So you aren’t good enough friends to be invited out with them but you are good enough to ferry her child around??

Stop bothering with these people, they aren't your friends. Stop inviting them and stop doing them favours.

Asking for left overs is wild, I wouldn’t even ask my mum for leftovers 😂
not inviting you in the night out because you’d be prepping for them the next day is awful

Sound like absolute arseholes and I certainly wouldn’t bother again. Spend the money on a nice family day out. I am supposed to be going to a Christmas brunch on Sunday organised by one of the mums in our group but currently feeling very unwell so if I end up not being able to make it I’ll be sending sincere apologies along with money to cover the food she’d bought for us

What a load of crap.

Since when does an invite to a party require payment towards the costs?

But they sent a message through someone they knew was going - which I'd most likely do. If you're hosting a party you're probably not going to be attached to your phone, so may not see a message if someone is verbally telling you then I know you've got the message.

Your friends are lucky to have such generous and lovely you op. I am sure your other friends were seething. I know I would be if this happened to a friend of mine. Don’t let the ingrates ruin future plans and fun events. You can just decide to give them the chop and replace them with better friends that appreciate your efforts.

well you're a lot MORE likely to "feel exhausted on the day" if you've been out til late the night before, to an event you didn't even have the decency to invite the host to!

Plus, as others have said, even if you "can't" (let's be honest in this scenario it's "could but can't be arsed to") make it, there's no excuse for not sending a sincere apology (and offering to contribute to costs).

OP maybe your NY resolution could be to find better friends! You sound lovely, I bet there would be many many people who would hugely appreciate your hosting

Don’t invite them in the future. They are absolute piss takers, not friends.

Well they sound horrible frankly.
You on the other hand sound a good friend.
So for the New Year, I’d be looking to spend time with decent people who aren’t users and know how to behave.

It sounds like overall a good night was had by pretty much everyone, but I do agree passing on a message or not texting is rude, very rude.

You aren't a drop in centre!

That said, I do think people are flaky with parties and in life in general, there are too many events, too much to do at work and too many things for the kids at Christmas and it can feel overwhelming.

All you can do in future OP is either accept that a few won't attend and may be a bit crap, or do smaller events for the two families you know are brilliant and would let you know.

You won't be able to control these other people, sadly, rude or otherwise.

People don’t ‘choose’ to be people pleasers. They are conditioned to be that way from childhood. I agree that this party can be a turning point for op to really do some work around people pleasing if that is what this is, but you can hardly blame op for other people’s behaviour.

The so called friends are deplorable and yes the onus is now on op to find her anger and stamp this out. Most of us enjoy having friends and celebrations. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem lies with the rancid CFs that think it’s okay to treat good people like dirt.

I hope op dumps them unceremoniously too, but your berating tone is a bit much tbh.