Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking DHs friend is plain rude regarding birthday invite?

91 replies

sweetkitty · 09/12/2024 23:28

DHs best friend has a big birthday coming up, a few months ago he texted me inviting DH and I to a lunch to celebrate, asked if I could make it/save the date kind of thing. I said that would be great he said he would book the restaurant. It’s in a few weeks time.

So fast forward to a week ago and DH says oh btw you’re not invited to best friends lunch it’s just very close family and me now. I said well that’s very rude inviting me then not inviting me. DH got all defensive said take it up with best friend etc.

Now I know best friend can invite who he wants I have zero issues with that, what I do have issues with is inviting someone then I’m inviting them but not actually telling them yourself. I think it’s rude. It’s not a financial thing as best friend is very well-off.

Am wondering should I text best friend back and say innocently “have I still to save the date, I have a big thing planned for the night before anyway so may be “delicate?”

So AIBU or is best friend a bit rude?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 10/12/2024 12:46

I’d say back to dh well you’re my husband and he’s your bestie and what good are you exactly if you won’t take it up with him being rude to your wife??

id expect your dh to go but say any more cancelled invites and I won’t be coming next time mate, you’ve used your free pass.

PromoJoJo · 10/12/2024 12:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

DowntonFlabbie · 10/12/2024 10:46

HardlyLikely · 10/12/2024 10:19

Why is everyone assuming the OP’s husband is lying???

Yeah weird. Especially when he actually said take it up with the friend if you've an issue...would be a bad move if he was lying!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/12/2024 10:27

I think the birthday friend should have contacted you in person to explain that the plan had changed (since he contacted you to invite you) and I think that would have been absolutely fine. He probably trusted your husband to explain the change in a diplomatic way, which he has failed to do.

At the end of the day he's your husband's friend so I wouldn't care if I went to his birthday or not. It sounds as if the plans have changed, they aren't expanding it to partners, and I wouldn't feel offended by that.

AppropriateAdult · 10/12/2024 10:21

It's a bit rude, but it's not sinister - I'd say he's just having a smaller event than he originally planned. I wouldn't overthink it, or bother texting anyone.

HardlyLikely · 10/12/2024 10:19

Why is everyone assuming the OP’s husband is lying???

susiedaisy1912 · 10/12/2024 10:15

I think it's genuine and not your husband lying. I think his friend bottled it and let your husband pass you the message that you're not invited rather than messaging you directly like he did previously. Why he's done this could be any reason at all. Financial, personal, limited space in the restaurant who knows. I wouldn't bother chasing it up but maybe drop your Dh to and from the venue and give birthday boy a big wave as you do. 😁

Wimberry · 10/12/2024 09:52

Not ruling out the concerns people have shared above, but is it possible he's just been disorganised and booked it late? Just that it's Christmas party season and really difficult to get a group booking at lots of places now!

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 10/12/2024 09:49

Howdoesitworkagain · 10/12/2024 05:55

Similar to your suggestion, “Hello, going through my diary; have I still to save the date for your birthday lunch?” works well, I wouldn’t bother with the bit about being out the night before.

Yes this is ideal. Keep it dead simple and straightforward.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 10/12/2024 09:43

Seems like the other wives /girlfriends can't make it so it's changed as would be weird if you're the only one.

rainbowstardrops · 10/12/2024 09:25

I think it's rude! I'd be pretty miffed that my husband didn't at least question why you're not now invited (if he's telling the truth), instead of saying you'll have to ask the 'friend' instead.
I'd defo text him and confirm whether you still need to save the date or not.

rockstep · 10/12/2024 09:22

Mmm, I'd just text saying ' your save the date is coming up, what are the plans/is it still happening?'

Spondoolies · 10/12/2024 09:16

Maybe it’s about dynamics, for example if other couples or friend’s partner could not make it

Onlycoffee · 10/12/2024 09:09

To check I would text the friend "DH passed on your message, no worries, have a great time, catch up soon"
Then if your DH is lying he's not going to know what you're on about.

Yes it seems rude but it also sounds like men making arrangements.

InWalksBarberalla · 10/12/2024 09:05

crockofshite · 10/12/2024 08:35

Whaaaat?

Show quote history

I'm not sure why that would be so unbelievable? He was planning on having a larger celebration and now for some reason he is having a lunch with close family and best friend only. It's not like he's just excluded the OP.

pizzaHeart · 10/12/2024 08:59

Noodlehen · 10/12/2024 07:16

Yes, I understand that.

My point was - that if a) the husband is lying then why bring the friend into your relationship dramas and put them in an awkward position. She should figure it out with DH and not involve others. B) the friend is rude, yes of course he is but he’s not her friend he’s the husbands so again no need to have a drama with him.

I’d personally leave it unless I thought my husband could be lying to me. I’d not want to be somewhere I wasn’t wanted so why on earth would I drag the entire thing on any further.

Show quote history

Because without bringing friend into this OP can’t say if her husband lying or not . She has to check with BF.

crockofshite · 10/12/2024 08:35

AuDHDacious · 10/12/2024 06:09

I think this is the best option. Maybe DH is being a bit untruthful? I’d want to know.

Show quote history

Same

crockofshite · 10/12/2024 08:35

InWalksBarberalla · 10/12/2024 05:59

So he has reduced the invite list to close family and best friend - maybe he has something going on that he is struggling with like a health diagnosis or something?

Whaaaat?

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 07:23

I wouldn’t say anything other than have a good time. There’s no need to be passive aggressive, if you’re always like this it’s probably why you aren’t invited.

SadSandwich · 10/12/2024 07:21

your DHs response is underwhelming to say the least. This person is not a ‘friend’ to you and I would be grumpy with them. Thanks for causing an issue kind of text.

Noodlehen · 10/12/2024 07:16

IdylicDay · 10/12/2024 05:57

Because a) the husband could be lying and b) if it was the friend he needs to be told he's rude. That's why!

Show quote history

Yes, I understand that.

My point was - that if a) the husband is lying then why bring the friend into your relationship dramas and put them in an awkward position. She should figure it out with DH and not involve others. B) the friend is rude, yes of course he is but he’s not her friend he’s the husbands so again no need to have a drama with him.

I’d personally leave it unless I thought my husband could be lying to me. I’d not want to be somewhere I wasn’t wanted so why on earth would I drag the entire thing on any further.

BananaSpanner · 10/12/2024 06:13

‘Hi DHBF, DH seems to think that there has been a change of plans but I haven’t heard any thing since your last message so just wanted to confirm if the meal is going ahead or not’

Make him explain to you directly, given that he messaged you with the invite instead (which was odd to start with).

However if you’re not bothered about going anyway, just leave it and give him some light hearted (but pointed) stick over it next time you see him.

AuDHDacious · 10/12/2024 06:09

Howdoesitworkagain · 10/12/2024 05:55

Similar to your suggestion, “Hello, going through my diary; have I still to save the date for your birthday lunch?” works well, I wouldn’t bother with the bit about being out the night before.

I think this is the best option. Maybe DH is being a bit untruthful? I’d want to know.

InWalksBarberalla · 10/12/2024 06:04

I really don't understand why people are friends with people they think so poorly of. If this happened with one of mine or DHs friends my first thoughts would be - 'wonder what's going on, hope everything is ok'. Not 'how rude'.

JustAFear · 10/12/2024 06:02

InWalksBarberalla · 10/12/2024 05:59

So he has reduced the invite list to close family and best friend - maybe he has something going on that he is struggling with like a health diagnosis or something?

Possible. But you cannot be rude to people and expect them to make allowances for circumstance if you do not inform them of those circumstances.