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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Families, weddings, drama

35 replies

LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 19:27

Despite my parents’ protestations, I’m stuck between them trying to organise a wedding.

Dad wants to invite his girlfriend of around a year. They are on-off, and have recently broken up and reconciled. I’ve nothing against her particularly, but my concerns are:

  1. I live abroad so we haven’t actually met
  2. Dad seems to be trying to use my wedding to “debut” her
  3. He doesn’t seem to get that there’s a broad spectrum between “having a problem” with him being in a relationship (I don’t) and wanting to be best mates and hear about his feelings (don’t want this either)

My opinion is somewhere along the lines of… I’m pleased you’re happy, but she’s not my family just because you’re dating.

Inviting her will cause issues with my mum (she’s not the OW, for the avoidance of doubt). I’d also have to give my mum a +1 as well and frankly I don’t have the space.

So, AIBU to not invite the gf?

YANBU - don’t invite her
YABU - how heartless, of course you must invite her

OP posts:
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Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 22:48

mitogoshigg · 15/12/2024 21:26

Does your mum have someone special she would invite if she had a plus one? She might be going along with no +1 to please you but she might also not be happy

I think my mum would like me to invite 150 people and have it in my hometown with all her relatives coming along so she feels like she has an army. I won’t be doing that

But no, she’s not seeing anyone. I mentioned grandparents as she was saying she might need to bring a friend to act as a shield. But my mum will have loads of people

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 22:46

harriethoyle · 15/12/2024 21:15

So why bother posting then - for the second time, by the sound of it? Do you just want validation for your decision?

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Fair point, the previous post was about putting feet down in respect of my fiancé’s family as they’d requested 30 extra guests and this came up. I guess validation but also help in dealing with it with my dad - it’s very challenging, mum is making drama about it constantly, it’s super stressful. I know I probably come across as a bit heartless but I’m really struggling with organising it all and having this side show in which nobody is happy. I don’t want to upset him but I want help in how to explain it to him so he understands. And dealing with my mum as well, who is on a crusade (she called me earlier to trash the woman again, which I didn’t engage with and asked her to stop, but it’s constant)

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 15/12/2024 21:26

Does your mum have someone special she would invite if she had a plus one? She might be going along with no +1 to please you but she might also not be happy

harriethoyle · 15/12/2024 21:15

LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 20:14

Because to do so causes issues with everyone else

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So why bother posting then - for the second time, by the sound of it? Do you just want validation for your decision?

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 20:14

harriethoyle · 15/12/2024 18:38

Good of you to invite your grandparents 👀 unless there’s a huge back story of shit parenting I don’t understand why you wouldn’t suck it up and give both parents a plus one to ensure they’re happy but that’s obviously not what you want to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Because to do so causes issues with everyone else

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 20:14

Sorry, yes, I know they’re my grandparents, I’m exhausted in the middle of a parental divorce and bored after decades of crap and they’re keeping scores on whose side of the family is coming (dad’s parents are dead) so it’s become a bit of a thing. That was quite bad of me though.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2024 20:13

In 20 years’ time, you’ll be able to count on one hand those friends that are still in your life, but your family will always be your family.

harriethoyle · 15/12/2024 18:38

LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 20:00

I suppose but (perhaps IAB a bit U) I have friends who I’d love to invite but we don’t have the space. It’s not a particularly small wedding, more that I have a huge family and we’ve lots of friends. My mum’s parents and her aunt are coming, my dad’s siblings are coming, so it’s not as if they’ll have nobody.

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Good of you to invite your grandparents 👀 unless there’s a huge back story of shit parenting I don’t understand why you wouldn’t suck it up and give both parents a plus one to ensure they’re happy but that’s obviously not what you want to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

janeavrilavril · 15/12/2024 18:27

this is one of the best I don't really give a fuck posts I have have read on mumsnet, My mum’s parents i.e. your grandparents OP? Do what you want, don't think anyone will be shocked.

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 14:45

Kitkatcatflap · 15/12/2024 01:14

This sounds very familiar - have you posted this before. I remember the on/off girlfrien

Yes, I NC’ed for this. It’s been an issue for a few months now

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 14:44

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2024 01:33

I’d also have to give my mum a +1 as well and frankly I don’t have the space

Make space. Your mum and your dad are your most important guests and if they want plus ones, that’s not unreasonable.

My mum doesn’t want a +1, she only wants a +1 if dad is bringing his girlfriend. They both will have an extensive cast of family members attending with them, they don’t need +1s. We have also said no to fiancé’s parents wanting to invite their friends

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2024 01:33

I’d also have to give my mum a +1 as well and frankly I don’t have the space

Make space. Your mum and your dad are your most important guests and if they want plus ones, that’s not unreasonable.

Kitkatcatflap · 15/12/2024 01:14

This sounds very familiar - have you posted this before. I remember the on/off girlfrien

CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 00:43

Hopefully she’s reasonable and will understand not inviting her? The day isn’t about her

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 15/12/2024 00:43

ChristmasFluff · 13/12/2024 10:43

I think it's really off not to give both parents a 'plus one'.

Out of interest, why?

OP posts:
WendyA22 · 13/12/2024 13:53

LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 20:00

I suppose but (perhaps IAB a bit U) I have friends who I’d love to invite but we don’t have the space. It’s not a particularly small wedding, more that I have a huge family and we’ve lots of friends. My mum’s parents and her aunt are coming, my dad’s siblings are coming, so it’s not as if they’ll have nobody.

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Just tell your mum and dad there isn't room for plus ones.

ForgottenPalace · 13/12/2024 13:25

DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/12/2024 19:38

The US etiquette for weddings is that if someone is cohabiting they are a social unit and get invited together to things. However, it sounds like your father and his paramour are not cohabiting so you don't need to invite her. A year isn't that long, you haven't met her, they are on/off so may not even be together in a month or so.

I'm an American, and yes, you're correct.

SkunderlaiSkendi · 13/12/2024 11:10

Personally, it is a hard no, from me.

A wedding is an intimate and special time, witnessed by those nearest and dearest

Why would anyone even think that this is a time you would want gawping at by a complete stranger on this special time?

I would simply say 'No' - further explaination is not required and for your Dad to require you to explain yourself on this, is laughable. I would kindly advise him that if he has a problem with it, he too can uninvite hiimself

I think it is really off for anyone (especialy a parent) to expect a say on who you invite to your day.

Dont be pushed around on this

Lurkingandlearning · 13/12/2024 11:08

How about telling your father that you finalised your guest list when they were on one of their breaks and there is absolutely no room for her without uninviting someone else?

I realise that is a passive way of pointing out his on / off girlfriend isn’t a priority, but he should know that as you’ve never met her. If you meeting her is important to him he needs to arrange another occasion as you are unlikely to have more than two minutes to spare during your wedding for someone you don’t know. If he wants to debut her he can throw a party on another day. But of course, your mum wouldn’t attend that, perhaps that’s the point- to show off his girlfriend in front of your mum.

ChristmasFluff · 13/12/2024 10:43

I think it's really off not to give both parents a 'plus one'.

monkeysox · 13/12/2024 07:48

Give both parents a plus one. Ask dad and gf to visit you before the wedding.

Jellytotmum · 13/12/2024 07:43

It’s your wedding so invite who you want.

As you say, you don’t have space so your dad needs to understand that.

FoxtonFoxton · 09/12/2024 20:08

You don't know her, never met, your mum hasn't been extended a plus one and spaces are limited. Why should you exclude a closer friend or family member so your dad's on/off girlfriend can attend? Or be forced to squeeze a place in at your expense? There are more than enough valid reasons there to say no. He may choose not to come; that's up to him. Let's face it; chances are they won't be together this time next year and you'll have a random person in all your wedding photos.

Original poster
LovelyGirlImelda · 09/12/2024 20:00

DinosaurMunch · 09/12/2024 19:49

I would let your parents bring their partner. Assuming they are adults and can manage to be civil for 1 day.
It doesn't mean everyone needs a plus one. You can make an exception for your parents.

I suppose but (perhaps IAB a bit U) I have friends who I’d love to invite but we don’t have the space. It’s not a particularly small wedding, more that I have a huge family and we’ve lots of friends. My mum’s parents and her aunt are coming, my dad’s siblings are coming, so it’s not as if they’ll have nobody.

OP posts:
Anotherworrier · 09/12/2024 19:52

DinosaurMunch · 09/12/2024 19:50

She was not the ow

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Oh excuse me! I misread that… I’m tired!

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