Disappointing birthday, AIBU?

I can’t for the life of me think that this is okay. Why on earth on earth are you being such a martyr unless of course you are being sarcastic and I’ve read your post wrong

YANBU at all OP

@Garden bird is bang on the money. ‘ make your wishes known’. Don’t be a martyr.

It took me a few years to get DH into shape for my birthday, partly because I don’t think he would notice his own if I didn’t make a big deal of it. Now he starts planning before I would expect him to.

Make your wishes known. Also, don’t forget to be lavish with the praise when he does it right (I know MN thinks that men and indeed the rest of the world should just do everything right without being told, but in the real world, thanks and praise get repetition - or even increase) .

I am not a princess, I am a chubby old gimmer, but between my dc and my dh i would not be allowed to do a thing on my birthday, we would go out to eat or get a takeaway at least, and if I requested a particular gift I would get it. That is all very basic stuff and you are definitely entitled to be disappointed.

Tell DH he either makes an effort again or you will match his effort from now on, which is to say - very little effort.

And tell him to return the necklace because it's not the one you gave him a link for.

Also match your parents low effort for their birthdays and leave DH to sort MIL's gift.

And did you feel like you had to have sex with DH?

No it doesn't have to be like this.
Treat yourself to the necklace you wanted, and book a treat like a spa day at the same time. Go and get a nice cake and some bubbly. Then say that this is how you prefer to celebrate, and you would like to go out to eat on your birthday from now on.
Make your wishes known x

You could have said 'no'. Not suggesting weaponising sex, but if you are not in the mood because you feel unappreciated and ignored, why would you go along with it?

Your DP doesn't know how easy he's got it.

Mine has to buy a lot of presents (from my Amazon wishlist because he'd be lost otherwise), cook my favourite meal, take me out somewhere, buy a nice bakery cake, and this year he planned a 2 day party on top (one day at home, one day he booked out a local cinema screen privately), and we went abroad as a couple (organised together, paid jointly). And it wasn't a milestone birthday.

Birthdays are huge to me so he knows he has to put the effort in. It sounds like yours needs to stop things sliding and you need to make it clear now or you won't even get a present in a couple of years from the sounds of things.

Have you thought of treating yourself to a divorce for Christmas? It's the gift that keeps on giving.

In other words, your life is shit and you'd like ours to be as well so you don't feel so bad about it.

Hard pass.

I get presents. And dinner and drinks and another dinner and drinks with friends and a homemade cake as well. And it's fabulous and I deserve it. So there.

That's rotten, OP. Very thoughtless of everyone. It doesn't take a lot just to even order a takeaway, put a few decs up, buy a cake, etc. You did get a cake from him, didn't you?

Don't make an effort for his birthday

OMG OP your response from DH is so sad!
Bit of gaslighting there in the "its not nice" and "he forgot" from your DH
No its not nice to have such little effort made on a significant birhday!
Please prioritise yourself a bit more
I'm not a big fan of birthdays but my DH alway says we can do whatever I want to do which generally means a lovely walk and a homecooked meal cooked by him!
Return the necklace and the fleece and get what you want

It’s hurtful for you. Take the necklace your husband bought for you back and buy the one you want

Tough shit, it’s not very nice to feel ignored and dismissed is it. You asked (and reminded him, which you shouldn’t have to do) one simple thing for your birthday and he didn’t have the decency to get it right. He evidently didn’t forget, he got a similar item in a ‘that will do’ manner thinking you’d not actually pull him up on it. Now he’s trying to turn it around on you because ‘at least he tried’ somehow equates to an acceptable effort. Now he has to fix it. And pull his finger out in general by the sounds of it.

Men should not need instructions as someone said, they are just as capable as women at buying a thoughtful gift and arranging a birthday meal. Why is cooking or arranging food in anyway always seen as womens work?

Some of this is on you though OP, why martyr yourself, you could have pulled him up about not doing his share of the housework and you certainly didn’t need to take him up on the ‘birthday sex’!

‘I get gifts for my husband and children and they don’t give me a second thought. As it should be’. I couldn’t live being a secondary character in my own family life. Someone just milling about in the background and who’s only worth is making other people feel good. Are your husband and children ‘pampered princesses’ for getting gifts? They’re worth your time money and effort but you’re not worth theirs, that’s not avoiding being spoiled it’s just a really sad thing to read. Especially since you’ve convinced yourself it’s the way it’s meant to be.

@Oldcrockpot , honestly I’d tell my husband straight that you asked for something specific and you expect him to make right. As for the birthday sex ‘for you’, urgh. He really needs to do so much better.

I would have used the garden scissors...

Yes my 40th was as you describe

My 50th won't be

OP - I agree, get your husband to return the necklace and buy the one you asked for. He should feel embarrassed, so that he does better next year.

That’s literally so sad. So you buy for all them, but no one buys for you? Why is that “the way it should be”? Because you’re an adult? But you buy for your husband and parents, who are also adults? Tragic.

Some of us have standards. We do not simply exist to be skivvies for our husband and children. It's not demanding for the people in our life to show some appreciation one day a year especially when they expect similar.

ETA: Having birthday sex, cooking, folding laundry etc... you're making a rod for your own back. You're saying loud and clear this is acceptable when you know it's not. Put on your big girl pants, grow a backbone and tell your husband what you actually want (and make sure HE returns the necklace).

That sounds crap and yes you shouldn't have to ask but if you do you should just give instructions.

DH isn't great at birthdays so I always organise it for myself so I can have a nice time! He is happy to pay for things and do childcare if I organise it.

I'd have refused to do any chores like folding laundry, at least got a nice takeaway if we couldn't get a babysitter and bought something I liked for myself.

I certainly wouldn't have had sex if I didn't feel like it!

I’ve given up expecting much now.

One birthday I met friends whilst I was bored walking round the supermarket, dh had gone for a lie down (3 hours).
My friends were so appalled with my lack of birthday fuss that they took me to their home and gave me gin. 😂

In what way is that 'the way it should be'