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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband insulting me to MIL

336 replies

Helpinghand1234 · 09/12/2024 12:09

Honest opinions please?

I (40f) am married to DH (41m) I’ve always had a tricky but civil relationship with in-laws. They’re overbearing and emeshed (farming family so everyone but them is an outsider)

Things got trickier when we married, then much much trickier when I had DS 15months ago. I’ve basically felt like a surrogate. MIL complains DS is a mummy’s boy, I shouldn’t have breast fed as no one else could feed him, DS doesn’t want to know her when I’m there, she’s not good enough when I’m around etc. If I complain to DH he says I’m stirring up trouble, imagining it or that’s just how she is. He works long hours keeping their farm afloat and has very little time at home in the evenings. When he does come home, at some point mil or fil will phone to see what DH had for dinner etc and ask how DS is. All of his money goes on keeping the farm afloat and my wages pay all our bills (I owned the home mortgage free before we married) When I complained to DH they were intruding on the little family time we had in the evenings the calls became less but constant messages to his phone, but I thought we had created some kind of boundary.

Im now 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. MIL and SIL had a very cold reaction when we told them, and it’s been niggling at me. DH has a way of making me feel like I’m imagining things, but this time I just
couldn’t convince myself that I was imagining it.

I know I’m totally in the wrong here and accept that fully, but this morning around 5am I couldn’t sleep and things were just going around and around my head. DH hadn’t put his phone to charge on his bedside table and it was on the middle of the bed. I unlocked it and started reading messages between him and MIL. I now know why she dislikes me so much. DH has called me lazy, told her there no dinner ready for him when he gets home, he’s had to do all the laundry as Id been lazy all day, I’ve had takeaway but there’s nothing for him, I’m angry and unpleasant/or I’m in a reasonable mood that night, he’s had to clean up my mess as the house was a tip, that I took my son without a coat and hat in the cold weather until he stopped me. He’s told her DS is saying Gran a lot which I’m not pleased about (DS says 3 words and gran isn’t even one of them). Every single thing is a lie.
In all the time we’ve been married I can count on one hand the times he’s come home with no meal ready, and that will be because I’ve just arrived home myself or I’m ill etc. I do all of the laundry (he wouldn’t know how to turn washing machine on) do all the housework (I doubt he knows where the hoover is) and have never taken DS out without either a sunhat or cold weather hat. He says he’s had too cook dinner, put DS to bed and is now cleaning my mess as I’m in bed. (I go to bed the same time as DS as he sleeps for around 3 hours and it’s the longest stretch of sleep I get- he’s then awake every hour/two hours to feed). MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.” When he told her my DM was here, he called her “the old woman” and she responded “is she there to brag about how much money she has?” (My parents are fairly wealthy but not in an ostentatious way- they own property but drive a 15 year old car) She has also repeatedly told DH I’m angry and awful to be around as they’re not good enough for me. Everything he’s told her is a lie, but it’s like he wants to play little boy victim to his mother.

What on earth do I do? I confronted DH this morning- his response was he needed to vent somewhere, which is fair enough, but he wasn’t venting, he was lying and speaking about me in a very hostile and unpleasant way and actively lying. We argued recently as he took DS to mil with no car seat (10 minute journey) and they both had a moan about how I was still stomping my feet about it and being my usual unpleasant self.

What’s most confusing is to my face he’s lovely, we have the odd argument here and there but overall I thought we were happy, he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc but all the while messaging his mother how awful I am. We had a lovely day yesterday buying a Xmas tree and decorating etc and now I feel like my family is destroyed.

Ive spoken to my best friend and DB this morning- they both advised time to cool off before speaking to him to find out why he’s done this. I already know what he’ll say- he can’t get away from her etc, and really it doesn’t matter- how can I ever trust him again? This is the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader but is actively assassinating my character to his mother. I suppose I want some reassurance I’m not overreacting? Is it enough to call it quits? I don’t want DS and DC2 to come from a broken home and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation- all the signs were there that they have an unhealthy relationship but I honestly never thought he would speak about me with such contempt. And worst of all I really do love him- he’s my best friend and when we have time just the 3 of us it’s wonderful. I know he can never go NC with in-laws as without him they’d be destitute, but I’m heartbroken about the situation.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpinghand1234 · 12/12/2024 09:26

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I’ve asked him to spend the last three nights away from here, it’s just too upsetting. He’s been coming over in the evenings to see DS and Ive left them to it and gone into another room and then he leaves when it’s DS bedtime. I assume he’s sleeping at his parents.

We’ve spoken (argued really) twice about it. He’s adamant he was just venting, he’s struggled with me being so distant and quiet since DS was born. I explained that I try to talk about an issue with him and he shuts me down with “Why are you looking for a fight, do you know what kind of day I’ve had etc” so that’s when I shut down.
I asked to see his phone as I wanted to know how long they’d been speaking about me like this. He’s deleted the entire message thread as well as with his sister, best friend and some other people. I dread to think what was being said that caused him to delete the messages, my mind is in overdrive. He has no real explanation for this. I feel this is a huge red flag?
My DB thinks he’s just doing it for mil’s approval and thinks I should confront them both together. I’m not sure I have the strength (pathetic I know) My best friend thinks we need to keep communicating and have some cooling off time before I do anything drastic. I haven’t spoken to my DM, we have a complicated relationship at best, although I think she would be supportive I feel she may escalate the situation which won’t help anyone.
I can’t see a way forward, even now I’ve cooled down and am trying to be reasonable, I can’t see how we can ever have any kind of trust, and I don’t think I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
Listopad · 12/12/2024 08:39

I was married to a farmer with a toxic overbearing family. It does not get better, sorry you are going through this.

lottielittle · 12/12/2024 07:41

I’ve never said this before but LTB. And I clicked YABU because you said you don’t want your children to come from a ‘broken home’ what an awful thing to say. Plenty of children come from 1 parent families and their homes are certainly not broken! I think you need to worry more about your DC growing up with them thinking it’s ok that their dad and their grandparents slag off their mum. I think that would damage a child more than mum & dad living apart…..

saffronspices · 11/12/2024 21:50

15 years post separation & mine has carried on lying through his teeth to his mummy & sister & my children are expected to dance round him & keep their mouths shut - no way - bye dad. Still playing the victim at 62 years old.

Xcxlxn · 11/12/2024 19:27

Oh absolutely not, I’m sorry OP but run and run fast. His living in your house, rent and bill free all his money is going back to mummy and the family farm, he works long hours and he is making up toxic lies about you. What is he actually bringing to this relationship or doing for you? The lies are just awful and there are so many, I don’t know how you ever come back from that.
Bringing your children up with an ex husband is a much better scenario than bringing them up in the household with this toxic poor excuse of a man. Also I’d be very reluctant to let him take the children anywhere if he feels it’s ok to drive them without a car seat. That is horrendous I report my OH to the police if he dared do that, that’s so dangerous. He just sounds like he doesn’t care about anyone but himself and his mum!

morethanspice · 11/12/2024 19:11

I haven’t had time to read the whole thread but I too was married to a farmers son and his family were vile and he did not have my back. Your husband does not deserve you.

PullTheBricksDown · 11/12/2024 18:49

I am doubtful that his mum doesn't suspect any of this is lies, even. It doesn't really probably matter to her. It's the story she wants to hear and that binds them together. So I don't think any of the 'make him tell her the truth' tactics will work. The OP is the villain in this setup and nothing that challenges that will be believed or accepted.

I'm so sorry OP. Leave them behind and make a life in which you have people on your side, who will love and champion you and protect you - your kids can do this as they grow, but there may be others too. It won't be this hideous crew though.

yellowlabrador · 11/12/2024 18:39

The fact that he lies so easily to his own family is not venting. It is the act of someone who is very damaged and mentally unwell. Be honest, do you honestly think you can brush this under the carpet. You are going to damage your own mental health trying to live with this person. Don't walk - run! Be prepared that he will probably try and drive a wedge between you and your kids in the future. He is a seriously twisted person.

Teddybear23 · 11/12/2024 18:05

Definitely marriage counselling at the least for him to explain/understand why he’s lying to his mum. After that he’d have to come clean to his mum IN FRONT OF YOU that he’d been lying. If this doesn’t work I’m sorry but if I were you I’d leave him (or kick him out back to mummy). It’s appalling behaviour.

liamharha · 11/12/2024 13:01

This is the start of a true crime documentary. Really think how much he's manipulating and recieving people .

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/12/2024 10:45

I hope you protected your house when you married him, I suspect not.

He will want 50% of it when you divorce, and I guess he has nothing so you will not get a penny in the divorce, as he will say anything and everything actually belongs to the ' family '

and i can see similar happening when you apply for CMS as he will claim he barely gets paid as the farm is not doing well.

Fraaahnces · 11/12/2024 09:35

The issue isn’t that you love him @Helpinghand1234. The issue is that you have allowed him into your head like a brain cancer and you don’t love yourself enough to think that you deserve any better. You can’t see that better includes not having him in your life at all. The other part of this is that you don’t love your kids enough to show them that their mother is worth more than this and they don’t have to become her saviors or her next abusers. If you get yourself out, you also break the cycle for them in your home and the sooner you do - the better.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 11/12/2024 09:19

He has such a lack of respect for you I would leave. He’s lying to get attention from mummy which is ridiculous at his age 🙄

sounds like the home is yours so I would be giving him his books and make sure he knows why. How can you trust him again 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dogsbreath7 · 11/12/2024 07:39

I voted you are unreasonable because at the end after everything you had written you said you loved him and he was your best friend.

get a grip of yourself. If it’s your home send him packing to his mum. He is contributing nothing to your life. I hope you took screen shots.

get thee to a solicitor. Now.

there is no guarantee he will inherit the farm and if he isn’t bring money get double rid.

Justkeepswiimming · 11/12/2024 07:13

End this now. This is absolutely vile. You are not overreacting. This is absolutely below the belt. My ex did similar to his mother. She would get involved in our marriage breakdown which was of course my fault. You are correct. He should be your biggest cheerleader, particularly to hostile in laws. Ad it is if he's saying these things, he's at least thinking them. Which is shocking enough. He's treating you like doormat and giving you no credit for it. I mean expecting his dinner on the table when he gets in. You sound like a saint because I wouldn't be doing this all the time. Is this the example you want setting for your ds?

saffronspices · 11/12/2024 03:27

I've been through this. He's a mummy's boy. She calls the shots and if he doesn't tell her what she wants to hear when she complains about you then his life isn't worth living. If he doesn't do what she wants she'll keep on at him until he gives in and gives her what she wants - that shuts her up. She says negative things about you & your son to get attention thereby taking his attention off his wife & child and onto her. Clearly you 2 should be his priority but he's got to keep her sweet too - whoever he sides with he can't win with the other. He finds it easier to make you feel like shit so you'll do what she wants & that gets him an easier life.

So many relationships have this issue but I've never heard one this bad. She's making him choose and the only way to passify his mother is to agree with her, even if it is at your expense.

Firethehorse · 11/12/2024 02:46

OP I felt I had to respond.
Please leave this man, he is not your best friend or your partner in the true sense of the word.
If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your children. Ensure you tell your parents everything, you need them on your side 100% and it sounds like you need their resolve to go through with this.
I really hope the house is just yours

Nantescalling · 11/12/2024 01:22

Cyclebabble · 09/12/2024 18:15

Hi OP. I am really sorry this must have been horrid to see. You are right that you are now in serious territory and you need to think carefully what you do next. I would leave it a couple of days and then have another discussion with DH. Ask him why an earth he thought it was good to do this, and does he understand how this has made you feel? What he has done is to build/reinforce their view of you by using lies and deceit. You would need to see massive change to continue this marriage and he needs to know that you are on the edge.

Why should she even have to be dealing with him any more. What does she have to gain by getting him to see her point of view. He would just see this as weakness

Nantescalling · 11/12/2024 01:01

This is no place for you to be. More importantly, it is no place for your kids to be. A bed of lies and insults because of this weird hold his mother has over him. They are both disfunctional people and the sooner you get your children out of their clutches, the better.

Thatcastlethere · 11/12/2024 00:35

Omg I'd really be heartbroken. And then I'd be livid. How can the relationship survive that? I'm not sure I'd want it to survive because I could never trust him again. It sounds like deep down he has zero respect for you or anything you do for him. I can imagine your entire world is shaken. This isn't OK and it's not normal. Lying is not just venting. It's really weird behaviour from him. It's also extremely misogynistic. Why do you always have to have dinner ready for him, why do you do all the night wakings get up with the baby etc.. when you bloody also pay all the bills and own the home?!? wtf??
What does he actually bring to the table here?
You say you love him and he's your best friend... but he's doing nothing fir you and talks trash about you...
I'd be kicking him out tbh.
Let him go home to mummy.
What do you need him for?
I know you've a young child and one on the way but I really hope you find the strength to send him on his way because you deserve better.

lovelysunshine22 · 11/12/2024 00:29

Helpinghand1234 · 09/12/2024 12:09

Honest opinions please?

I (40f) am married to DH (41m) I’ve always had a tricky but civil relationship with in-laws. They’re overbearing and emeshed (farming family so everyone but them is an outsider)

Things got trickier when we married, then much much trickier when I had DS 15months ago. I’ve basically felt like a surrogate. MIL complains DS is a mummy’s boy, I shouldn’t have breast fed as no one else could feed him, DS doesn’t want to know her when I’m there, she’s not good enough when I’m around etc. If I complain to DH he says I’m stirring up trouble, imagining it or that’s just how she is. He works long hours keeping their farm afloat and has very little time at home in the evenings. When he does come home, at some point mil or fil will phone to see what DH had for dinner etc and ask how DS is. All of his money goes on keeping the farm afloat and my wages pay all our bills (I owned the home mortgage free before we married) When I complained to DH they were intruding on the little family time we had in the evenings the calls became less but constant messages to his phone, but I thought we had created some kind of boundary.

Im now 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. MIL and SIL had a very cold reaction when we told them, and it’s been niggling at me. DH has a way of making me feel like I’m imagining things, but this time I just
couldn’t convince myself that I was imagining it.

I know I’m totally in the wrong here and accept that fully, but this morning around 5am I couldn’t sleep and things were just going around and around my head. DH hadn’t put his phone to charge on his bedside table and it was on the middle of the bed. I unlocked it and started reading messages between him and MIL. I now know why she dislikes me so much. DH has called me lazy, told her there no dinner ready for him when he gets home, he’s had to do all the laundry as Id been lazy all day, I’ve had takeaway but there’s nothing for him, I’m angry and unpleasant/or I’m in a reasonable mood that night, he’s had to clean up my mess as the house was a tip, that I took my son without a coat and hat in the cold weather until he stopped me. He’s told her DS is saying Gran a lot which I’m not pleased about (DS says 3 words and gran isn’t even one of them). Every single thing is a lie.
In all the time we’ve been married I can count on one hand the times he’s come home with no meal ready, and that will be because I’ve just arrived home myself or I’m ill etc. I do all of the laundry (he wouldn’t know how to turn washing machine on) do all the housework (I doubt he knows where the hoover is) and have never taken DS out without either a sunhat or cold weather hat. He says he’s had too cook dinner, put DS to bed and is now cleaning my mess as I’m in bed. (I go to bed the same time as DS as he sleeps for around 3 hours and it’s the longest stretch of sleep I get- he’s then awake every hour/two hours to feed). MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.” When he told her my DM was here, he called her “the old woman” and she responded “is she there to brag about how much money she has?” (My parents are fairly wealthy but not in an ostentatious way- they own property but drive a 15 year old car) She has also repeatedly told DH I’m angry and awful to be around as they’re not good enough for me. Everything he’s told her is a lie, but it’s like he wants to play little boy victim to his mother.

What on earth do I do? I confronted DH this morning- his response was he needed to vent somewhere, which is fair enough, but he wasn’t venting, he was lying and speaking about me in a very hostile and unpleasant way and actively lying. We argued recently as he took DS to mil with no car seat (10 minute journey) and they both had a moan about how I was still stomping my feet about it and being my usual unpleasant self.

What’s most confusing is to my face he’s lovely, we have the odd argument here and there but overall I thought we were happy, he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc but all the while messaging his mother how awful I am. We had a lovely day yesterday buying a Xmas tree and decorating etc and now I feel like my family is destroyed.

Ive spoken to my best friend and DB this morning- they both advised time to cool off before speaking to him to find out why he’s done this. I already know what he’ll say- he can’t get away from her etc, and really it doesn’t matter- how can I ever trust him again? This is the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader but is actively assassinating my character to his mother. I suppose I want some reassurance I’m not overreacting? Is it enough to call it quits? I don’t want DS and DC2 to come from a broken home and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation- all the signs were there that they have an unhealthy relationship but I honestly never thought he would speak about me with such contempt. And worst of all I really do love him- he’s my best friend and when we have time just the 3 of us it’s wonderful. I know he can never go NC with in-laws as without him they’d be destitute, but I’m heartbroken about the situation.

WWYD?

Op my ex husband used to do exactly this and not just to my MIL but literally everyone! Its an awful trait to have and he won't change! Please leave him and take yourself and your dc out of this toxic environment.

MelodyFinch · 11/12/2024 00:25

He really has dealt your relationship a death blow. I agree with the people who say walk away from this screwed up mess. Lord knows when it began - this role playing with his mum - it will have a source - can you be bothered to find out? Marriage counselling would get to the root of it, but it might take years. If he wants to save your relationship, he needs to tell his mother in front of you that it was all a fabrication. He also needs to commit to Relationship counselling with you. It will be a mammoth task but you say you love him. Try this and see if it can be saved or walk away. I am so sorry. Without a remedy this will cause you much more pain.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/12/2024 23:54

I remember your previous thread regarding this prince.

I am surprised you have chosen to have a 2nd child with him, I would have been long gone by now.

oneeggisunoeuf · 10/12/2024 23:47

I couldn't forgive this. Kick him out back to mummy.

kurotora · 10/12/2024 23:33

I feel for you OP. I was in a relationship with a guy from a weird, enmeshed family and he did something similar to me - told his mother than I did nothing around the house, didn’t ever cook, I stopped him cooking the healthy food he liked and it made him get fat, I wouldn’t let him talk to friends etc etc. I have no idea why he did it, to this day other than he was a very warped human being.